


We Are the Kids From Yesterday

by daughter_of_writers_block



Category: Danger Days: The True Lives of the Fabulous Killjoys (Album), My Chemical Romance
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Frerard, Lets just go with it, Long, M/M, Music, They have different names, but you meet them waaaay later, danger days, fun poison, healthy mix of both, i just based the characters off them, lynz jimmy etc are all killjoys, my chemical romance - Freeform, yee yee
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2020-02-18 13:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 26
Words: 69,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18701017
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daughter_of_writers_block/pseuds/daughter_of_writers_block
Summary: After witnessing the death of his parents, Party Poison was hardened to his core. Since that day he vowed revenge on those who dared to get near those he cared about. Ten years later, he and his brother are in a gang of misfits they never thought they'd call family and though it's against all he stands for, Party's even falling in love.*ON HIATUS*If some words or phrases cited seem unfamiliar, check Zone Slang by KilltheDJ (https://archiveofourown.org/works/18073904/chapters/42718598) because that work has been a lot of help in mine. Most, if not all of the Killjoy slang was NOT CREATED BY ME and credit to those who came up with it!!





	1. You Only Hear the Music When Your Heart Begins to Break

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: This is solely based off the album and what I found on a wikia. As of now, I haven't read the comic so please don't get all pissed if I go seriously against canon cuz this is just for fun.
> 
> This'll probably be the start to something. There won't really be much Party Poison/Fun Ghoul yet, but it will build up and happen, I just want it to be natural. Also, so sorry if it's poorly written, getting this into something decent to put out took a lot.

It was the screams that woke him up. The horrible ear-splitting screams, waking a thirteen-year-old Gerard from his sleep, probably at around 4 am. The day had been rather normal so that’s what everyone assumed that’s how the night would go too. But it wasn’t, in fact, it was horribly abnormal. Who expects agonized screams at 4 am? Gerard looked over at his little brother’s bed across the room from his where Mikey had also shot up, with his eyes full of panic rather than confusion. But they both seemed to have thought the same thing because the moment they both made eye contact, the brothers got out of bed and sprinted to their parent's room.

And that’s where the horror truly was.

Gerard stopped dead in his tracks as he reached the entrance to the room where he saw his parents all right. But they were dead. Their bodies were bloody and mauled, obviously killed brutally. He stopped Mikey before he could reach the room, hoping to spare his little brother, only 10 from any trauma this would obviously cause. But it didn’t work, Mikey managed to push through him.

“No-no, I don’t want you to see this!” Gerard said as he grabbed his brother’s arm as he took a few steps into the room before freezing. His hands went to his face and he looked back at Gerard for a second, his mouth had dropped open and tears welled in his eyes.

“Wha-what happened?” Mikey said, stepping back towards his older brother. But that was short lived because he then quickly ran to the bodies, stopping at his mother’s and trying his hardest to get her to open her eyes. “Mom? Mom, wake up. Mom, wake up!!” Now he was sobbing and blood had dirtied his hands from his mother’s fresh cuts, seeping the sticky red substance.

“Mikey--” Gerard said, not knowing what to say to comfort the little boy. But right after he had opened his mouth, Mikey came running up to Gerard, hugging him close as he cried. Gerard rubbed his back and hair a look of anger and vengeance on his face. Whoever did this? Oh, they’d pay alright. He would make them.

 

**TEN YEARS LATER**

 

The fire burned bright orange, a bit blue at the roots, it being the only of heat when the temperature in the desert that was the cursed Battery City dropped to at least freezing at night. Party Poison sat against a trashcan, warming his hands as he saw his other friends, all falling asleep. They were all members of a well-known gang, The Fabulous Killjoys but they’d gone off for a bit, like they did often. They wanted some adventure without the intense possibility of getting murdered by glancing down the street.

“You guys tired already?” he said, tossing his shoe at his brother, Kobra Kid. “C’mon, so boring! You know, times like these make me wish I chose another group of fugitives to roll with.”

“Shut up, Party, it’s late, we get it, we’re losers,” another one of the killjoys, Jet-Star piped in, already half asleep.

Groaning loudly, Party stood up and started trying to get the boys up and moving. “You guys, get up! In this world, who knows how long until we get shot? We can party all day and all night, do whatever it is we can do, and drink all the coffee we want.” A small smile edged onto Kobra’s face and Party knew he had gotten him. The two had a bit of shared coffee addiction and they’d always take any chance to grab a cup. But the smile was very, very subtle as Party was sure Kobra hadn’t smiled since he was ten years old.

“See? You guys are getting into it,” Party said, gripping Kobra’s shoulder. “Hey, stop your snoring,” he added, knocking his foot lightly into the last of the killjoys with them now, Fun Ghoul, probably his closest friend, besides Kobra.

“Leave me alone,” Ghoul murmured, turning around and tossing the backpack he had been using as a pillow at Party.

So Party kneeled down next to him and said, “If we’re gonna die, you might as well get a few more tats. Who’s gonna stop you?”

Ghoul laughed, opening his eyes and starting to sit up, “You have a point.” Tattoos were a sure-fire way to get Fun Ghoul interested in something. Though he had so many, he’d constantly talk about how he wanted more. But the tattoos did make him look rather badass and quite beautiful.

So walking back towards Jet-Star, Party kneeled down and said, “Jet, don’t be boring. I mean, yeah you wanna protect us, but we’re a group of misfits in a world where misfits don’t fit. We’re gonna die. We should live it up while we can. Plus…” Party reached into Jet’s bag to pick out his ray gun, one of which belonged to everyone. They all had stolen these ray guns and adopted the names, hoping to get rid of bad memories. He took the bright blue gun in his hands and ran his fingers down the side as he continued, “You haven’t had too many opportunities to use this beauty.”

Jet rolled his eyes, snatching the gun from Party saying, “I guess. I don’t want to ruin all your fun anyway.”

“Let’s go break some laws!” Party shouted, throwing his arms up, seeming way more excited than the others. They all grabbed their stuff and soon enough Jet was getting into it. The boys were all laughing together and ready to go cause chaos.

The boys had met each other four years before when Party was only 19 and Kobra was 16. Somehow they had all ended up in a search for the ray guns and they all ran into each other, originally at each other’s throats. Then they figured out they weren’t the ‘bad guys’ and when it became obvious everyone was on the same side, they decided to team up. That was when they adopted the names of their guns, not wanting to reveal the painful memories that their given name caused them and that marked the birth of the Fabulous Killjoys. They had all gone through a lot together and got through thick and thin. But of course, Party always relied on Kobra the most to help him through stuff, sometimes scared to trust the people who had just appeared in their lives. It was about a year after that they had gotten with the Fabulous Killjoys after the leader discovered their possession of the ray guns. They hadn’t been with the gang for long at all, but sometimes Party would find himself bored like he did just four short days before. Which meant he’d run off and rebel.

But still, there were times when Party had been questioning himself. Such as when he had gone to Kobra panicking and confused. Kobra was the only person that knew of his ‘feelings’ for Ghoul. It was hard for him to accept, wondering how he was crushing on the boy who he had run into one day, both of them after the same thing. Party didn’t believe it, especially when their first real interaction was Ghoul grabbing Kobra and holding the gun he had stolen to his temple, threatening to shoot if he got any closer. But somehow it had happened and Kobra helped him figure it out and live with it.

Of course, Ghoul would never know.

But even as the boys walked on and Party looked behind him at Ghoul smiling and laughing to Jet, he couldn’t help but smile. He really was very attractive but Party snapped himself out of it the moment he felt Kobra brush up against him.

“How subtle of you,” his brother said with a laugh, ruffling his hair lightly. “But don’t you worry, you’ll get him someday.”

Blushing red as his hair, Party pushed Kobra a bit too aggressively, as he said, “You shut up. You’re so annoying.”

“You love me regardless,” Kobra said, patting his back jokingly. “It’ll happen, trust me. I believe in you.”

Of course, that was the moment Ghoul had come up, throwing an arm around Party and practically hanging on him as he said, “Where we off too, captain?” He laughed, giving a death glare at Kobra for about a millisecond at his little brother’s suggestive grin.

“I don’t really know,” Party said, smiling and laughing as the shorter boy practically dragged him down. “Maybe we’ll rob a convenience store.”

“Perfect!” Ghoul said, jumping off Party and walking to get in front of him. “It’s not like any of them are open anymore. Who’s gonna care if we steal some candy from an abandoned store.”

The world had not exactly gone to hell yet, but they were practically living in a desert no matter where they went. Especially in Battery City, the way it was always scorching hot and there really wasn’t anything if you strayed too far from the city. But the boys weren't too far off, only near the city borders where it started turning into a suburban area, an old neighbourhood that hadn’t had a proper family living there in years. At least since climate change got out of control. Now where they were there were markets and grocery stores, mostly abandoned with the occasional business still running, looking to sell to Battery City runaways, similar to the killjoys. And of course, one of those was the one that they had ended up stumbling upon. The sun was rising in the sky when they had finally arrived, though none of them really seemed tired.

There was a loud ringing came from the door as Party pushed it open and there was a teenager sitting at the register, looking rather uninterested. He glanced up from his phone at the sound saying, “Welcome to Alley Mart, still open. Unfortunately.”

“We won’t stay for long,” Jet said, with a small grin towards the kid.

“But we may steal some shit. You don’t mind, do you?” Ghoul picked up a pack of M&M’s, putting it in his vest.

“Go crazy, I really don’t care,” came the teen’s response, getting an excited jump from Ghoul, who continued shoving candies in his vest.

Party started grabbing some things, essentials rather than what Ghoul was doing. He looked back at Ray who was really just watching them, probably making sure they didn’t get too out of hand and then over at Kobra who had just sat in a corner and grabbed some comics from a shelf and an iced coffee from the refrigerator. He was such a dork. So a lot of time passed, the boys really enjoying themselves before Party finished grabbing stuff before glancing back at Jet and saying,

“Hey, we’ve been here for a bit. Should we be leaving soon?”

Jet glanced out the door real quick before nodding and saying loud enough so they all could hear, “We should probably get going. It looks like it’s around noon? We’ve been here for a bit now.”

“C’mon!!” Ghoul whined, sticking his tongue out at Jet, but eventually complying. Quietly, Kobra looked up from the comic he was reading and shoved it and a few others into his bag before following the boys out. The teen cashier still seemed unbelievably uninterested, but they ignored him completely as they left and he did the same.

“So now we have some stuff…” Party said, looking in his small bag where he had shoved essentials, water and any food he could find that would last without a refrigerator. “We should be able to stay on the road for a few days now without another rest stop. So do you guys have any idea where we should be going?”

Jogging slightly to get ahead of Party, Jet said, “We probably need somewhere to spend tomorrow night. Contrary to popular belief, even we need some sleep.”

“I think there’s a hospital not too far from here,” Kobra said. “Party and I were on the road for a bit before we got with you guys and the Killjoys and I feel like we’ve been around here… I remember staying in this old hospital for a bit.”

They didn’t usually have any kind of plan, so the start of one put a smile on Jet’s face as he started, “That’s per--”

“No!” Ghoul chimed in loudly, causing them to stop to listen to him. “I-I can’t-I don’t do hospitals. They’re freaky and they smell like death and I just really don’t like them.”

With an anxious looking grin on his face, Party went up in front of him and kneeled down slightly to get to his height. Ghoul’s eyes were closed and squeezed tightly shut and he seemed bothered. “You know there aren’t many active hospitals left? Kobra and I’ve been here if he’s right about where we are. It hasn't been used since I was I think 15. Probably before.”

“I just really don’t like the whole……. thought of sleeping in a hospital,” he said, opening his eyes finally. “Blah, blah, blah, I won’t go into details. It’s just the basic ‘I was traumatized as a kid.’ I don’t wanna go into it.”

Jet, Party, and Kobra all shared looks of concern and worry. Of course they cared about Ghoul, but they weren’t gonna force him to relive memories he’d rather have buried forever. None of them wanted to relive their childhoods, why force him to.

“But it might be our best bet,” Jet said. “If Kobra’s right, I don’t know if we’ll find anything else.”

Ghoul took a long breath and let it out again, looking slightly more calm. He smiled again, trying to erase the conversation from only a couple seconds ago and he just said, “I-I can handle it. I’ll try, I’m strong. Let’s do this.”


	2. You're Just a Sad Song With Nothing to Say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woahhh the vulnerability pOPPED OUT  
> an important note for this + next chapter: they are HUGE plot indicators, so they're TRUE personalities won't start developing well yet. I'll leave a note when I have all the major plot chapters published

Kobra had been right about their general location which seemed to please all of the boys except Ghoul. It seemed he really really didn’t want to stay in a hospital and once they got near it, Party noticed a small shudder from his friend. It was odd but at the same time, he wanted to know what was wrong. He wanted to know what was it from Ghoul’s past that made hospitals so bad? Maybe they were creepy on their own, but Ghoul seemed like he couldn’t bring himself near one. 

“We still have time until night,” Ghoul said as they got to the entrance and Jet went to open a door. “We don’t need to go in just yet.”

“It’ll be fine,” Jet said, opening the doors. “We need to make this a little makeshift place we might be staying in for a few days. Just in case. We don’t know what might happen, the weather is really unpredictable.”

Sighing, Ghoul just said, “Fine.” But he didn’t really look fine, he actually looked like he was mentally preparing himself for a traumatic event. Party was worried, to say the least so as Ghoul followed Jet in, he slowed down and walked back to catch up with Kobra, who was trailing a bit behind the rest.

“Hey, is Ghoul acting weird?” he started, already knowing how Kobra would respond. Of course Ghoul was acting weird, anyone could see that.

“Yeah,” Kobra said. “He said it was something from when he was a kid so it must’ve been really bad. It seems… It almost seems like it’s painful for him to be within ten feet of this place.”

“I’m a bit worried,” Party continued, starting to lead Kobra forward into the house. “Like, he’s perfectly capable of handling his own problems but I don’t want to be hurting him by taking him here.”

“I mean, he did say he was fine,” Kobra said, pulling his backpack up his sleeve. “I guess the best we can do is trust him. If something happens, we’ll be there to help. We’ve been here for him the past four years, that’s not about to change.”

Party nodded. Kobra was right. He had no reason to be worrying, they had to simply trust Ghoul when he says he’ll be fine and if he ends up not being fine, help him through it. Though Party was sure that the extra nerves were from those pesky feelings that just shouldn’t be there. It just felt so  _ wrong  _ to get such a fluttery feeling whenever Ghoul would sweep his long black hair out of his eyes or when he wrapped an arm around Party’s shoulders, likely in a friendly way but what he wished was more.At the same time though, these wrong feelings… felt right.

But Party pushed them aside for now as Jet called him and Kobra to hurry up. The two rushed in where Jet seemed to be observing rooms, making sure it was safe for them to stay in. No point in a shelter that gave you tetanus. But as Jet walked out of a room, he saw where the three were waiting and said, “No point in staying down here. There’s nothing. Let’s head up, there’ll be actual beds.”

“Hopefully,” Kobra said.

“Yeah, it’s been like eight years since we’ve been here,” Party added. “But I doubt someone would’ve taken everything.”

The four of them squeezed into a rather small elevator with Ghoul being rather silent, for reasons the boys only knew of vaguely. Party ended up having way too much fun pressing buttons to the point where they eventually ended up on the second highest floor. Once they got out and started looking around was when the unease started setting in for the rest. It likely wasn’t as bad as what Ghoul could be going through, the poor boy’s trauma but they were all really starting to get a bit nervous. Hopefully no undead bodies would appear out of nowhere or Party would have likely jumped out the nearest window, not giving a second thought to how high they were off the ground.

“I guess we could all just set up camp in our own rooms,” Jet suggested. “There are enough. I mean, it’s a bit creepy in here but we’ll all be fairly close together.”

The four of them really all looked at each other silently for at least a straight minute, which though a bit awkward seemed to be all of them trying to convince themselves they weren’t about to get killed. But then slowly they trickled out of the hall, taking areas to stay until the sun was setting. The lack of sleep finally seemed to be affecting everyone, with Kobra asleep on the bed the moment he laid down on it. Jet was loudly snoring in the next room and Party, no matter how dead-exhausted he was, couldn’t sleep. Sleep problems had been a regular thing since he was a kid, suffering from consistent night terrors and nightmares, sleep paralysis and major insomnia. So he sat in the hospital bed, sketching something in the notebook he would take with him everywhere. He’d draw in it, write song lyrics he’d come up with. This book was his safe haven. Everything was fine and calm until he heard a voice, making him jump.

“You up, Party?” came Ghoul’s voice, a little too loudly. He was standing in the doorway, just barely illuminated in the moonlight but someway, somehow Fun Ghoul found a way to still be stunning.

“Agh, what the hell, Ghoul,” Party said, wiping pencil lead off his paper where a thick line covered his sketch from when he jumped. He sighed, but accepted it. Small things would happen all the time and he had really just learned to get over it.

“Sorry,” he said, quieting his voice a little. “I couldn’t sleep, wanted to know if you were up too.”

“I am.”

“So you draw? I didn’t know that.” Ghoul walked over and sat down next to him, looking at his drawing with the large pencil mark over it. Embarrassed, Party blushed bright. Hopefully Ghoul didn’t recognize that he was the inspiration behind so much of Party’s art. Including this piece.

But rather than visibly displaying his worry, Party just said, “Yeah, before now Kobra’s really the only person who knew. I used to draw him pictures all the time when we were kids. He loved my art.”

“Well, you are very good,” Ghoul said, running his fingers on the pencil lines. “I mean, I know I’m impressed.”

“Thanks,” Party said, flipping to a page in his notebook. “I’m proudest of this one. It was a bit before we met you guys, it’s of Kobra. He just seemed… serene. It was nice. So I drew it. I figured since it’s not something that happens all too often… might as well capture the moment in my own way.”

In the picture, Kobra was sitting on a raised chair at a high table at some abandoned restaurant. He was reading something with the cover scribbled out and ha his legs bent so they didn’t go to the ground. The best part was, it looked almost just like him, but more cartoon-y.

“Wow… this is… this is really good,” Ghoul said, looming at the sketch. “I’m speechless.”

“You really think so?” Party said, trying to hide his blushing. It wasn’t so dark Ghoul couldn’t see the blushing so he covered his face with his hand for a second hoping it would go away.

“Yeah, I do,” continued Ghoul. “Wow… I’ve never had much of a talent for art. I’m impatient, I don’t like how it never comes out how I picture it. I get frustrated and just give up. I have so much respect for people like you, who can do this.”

“I guess… I guess I just had a lot of time to do nothing,” said Party, running his fingers over the lines, each one carefully placed to perfection. He had spent so much time on this, just sitting under a tree, casually sketching his brother.

“I just think that’s so cool.”

Now Party’s blushing was obvious, so he tried to calm down as Ghoul continued, saying, “Before I met you guys, it had been a bit since I actually had a family. Or a real family, that is.”

“What do you mean?” said Party, taking his notebook into his lap. What would happen if Ghoul did end up trusting him with something deeply personal? He had never been the best at comforting people, even when he had first went on the run with Kobra. As much as his little brother needed it, he had never been able to give him the little bit of comfort and hope he needed.

“A lot happened to me,” started Ghoul, his voice quiet and somber. “I… I guess I suffered a lot as a kid. I could never really catch a break, it was miserable.”

Though it wasn’t direct, Party didn’t want to force anything else out of his friend. He knew that he himself hated to be vulnerable and he wouldn’t force Ghoul to get out of his comfort zone. “I-I’m sorry. Now you have us though, and those memories are far in the past. Remember… remember when we first met?”

Ghoul chuckled and looked down. “How I tried to kill Kobra? How could I forget. I don’t know why you still talk to me.”

“It’s in the past now,” Party said. “But in the moment, I can tell you now I was so pissed. You had just grabbed his sleeve, and had this kid who was so much taller than you with his head against your gun and I swear I was so scared he was gonna die. At the time, he was all I had. I know it’s not as bad as you or Jet who had nothing but… but I’d rather die than lose Kobra.”

“You seem to care about him more than yourself.”

“I do,” Party said, realizing it himself. “I’d do anything to keep him safe. He’s my little brother and he means the world to me.”

“Must be nice to have someone who cares about you that much,” Ghoul said. “I had someone like that before. You don’t think someone means it when they say they’ll die for you until they actually do.”

“What?”

Ghoul took in a shaky breath before he started, “You’re the… you’re the one person I’m trusting with this, okay?” Once he got a small nod from Party, he went on nervously, “I guess it’s like you and Kobra. I have… I had an older sister, Georgia. We were really close, she took care of me after… after I guess the reason I don’t like hospitals. But I really don’t want to go into that part if you don’t mind. I was, I think nine when we were attacked. Someone had came after us, I don’t know why but they were here to kidnap us since we were both so young, they didn’t expect a fight from a fourteen and nine-year-old. They tried to get me but she freaked out and tried to protect me. She managed to fight them off for a bit until backup for them arrived and then… and then they shot her. Right in front of me. I had to run away before they could catch me but I’ve regretted not giving her a proper burial since that day.”

Ghoul’s eyes were shining with tears and he was blinking fast in an attempt to stop himself. He started getting choked up as he added, “I-it’s hard to even think about her. She’d be so disappointed if she saw where I was now. In a gang and still mourning her.”

“Don’t say that,” Party said. “She’d probably be happy that you’re safe. And that you had the courage to go on without her.”

“I don’t know,” Ghoul said, quietly.

“It’s getting late,” Party said, glancing out the window. “Well, it’s been late for a while. We should be going to bed.”

“About that…” seeming a bit embarrassed, Ghoul continued, “I’m-I’m a bit scared to be sleeping alone. Do you mind if I…. if I sleep here?”

Great, now Party was blushing again. Trying to hide it, he just nodded and said, “Sure.”

Of course he didn’t expect to wake up wrapped in Ghoul’s arms.

It took a bit before Party actually realized what was going on. He clutched Ghoul’s arms around him close with his eyes still shut, still asleep. And he was calm until a pillow got thrown at him and he heard Kobra’s voice shout, “Get up, loverboys!”

And then Party realized what was happening and he jumped as Ghoul’s eyes fluttered open. Party was already standing up going over to the door as Ghoul stretched and looked over at his Party, smiling big. It was a sleepy smile, eyes still half closed but it was nonetheless beautiful, putting a smile on Party’s face as he, ever so awkwardly left the room.

So after Party had gotten up fully and gave himself time to wake up properly, Kobra took Party out and they went and got coffee, Kobra grinning and teasing him the entire time. “You were in bed with Ghoul. You two were spooning. What happened last night?!?”

“Nothing, leave me alone,” said  Party, trying so hard not to blush. “He… he opened up to me about something and then told me he was too scared to sleep alone. Look, I thought he meant he’d sleep on the floor or opposite side of the bed or something.”

“You didn’t seem to be minding what did end up happening.”

“Leave me alone!!” he whined, taking a sip from his coffee. “You’re so annoying.”

Kobra just giggled though, almost falling backwards. They both got up and started walking back, joking and teasing each other. But once they had gotten back, Ghoul and Jet were standing outside talking to a girl, blonde hair with hot pink tips. Party recognized this girl as Silver Shot. The right hand woman of probably the head killjoy, Neon Blade.

“Look who finally decided to show up,” Silver said, seeming rather annoyed. She tossed her long hair over her shoulder. “You know, Blade’s a bit pissed you guys left without warning again. It’s not the best habit to get into unless you want to be running off alone in Battery City. Which I wouldn’t recommend.”

“C’mon Sil, the guys and I like to have fun,” Party said, going up with Kobra not far behind him. “Blade needs to be a bit less uptight.”

Rolling her eyes, Silver just went up to him with her arms crossed and said, “I was sent to bring you guys back so that’s what I’ll be doing. You’re all getting your trackers fixed when we get back too, dismantling them isn’t the best idea.”

Rolling his eyes, Party sighed loudly and mockingly. Neon Blade, head Killjoy had an obsession with rules and order. Every Killjoy had a tracking slip and Party had a bad habit of dismantling his before he traveled outside of Zone 3, where Blade had access too. Yes, the tracking got annoying and sometimes Party just wanted to live on the edge, but it wasn’t exactly approved since Party would never notify Blade when he was taking the boys out to the far desert. Obviously Party wasn’t a favorite of Blade’s, but he just didn’t know how far Blade’s hatred could go. But he’d find out. Oh, he’d find out.

Party shared a look with each of his friends as Silver continued, “Ghoul, you can ride. Take Party with you, I got Kobra and Jet.”

Kobra smiled cheekily at Party, who ignored it as he got behind Ghoul on a motorcycle and the two of them got on their way, not too far behind Silver. Back to Battery City. Back to the place murders were so common, they weren’t even covered by police anymore.

Back to hell.


	3. These Pigs are After Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just thought I'd let y'all know the timing these are published will be really inconsistant--I'll stick to Wednesday (might switch to Tuesday so I have more time) and Friday as much as I can but the timing won't be regular. I live in Eastern Standard Time so it'll be that, some nights it'll be at midnight, sometimes 7 AM, sometimes 3 PM, maybe I'll forget and post it at like 11. I really don't know tbh so you'll just have to wait and see :/

The motorcycles arrived back at Battery City, pulling up in front of a large building where Neon Blade lived along with his girlfriend and the people who worked for him. So it seemed Silver was bringing them to the man himself to get their punishment.

“Blade’s gonna be piiiiiiiiissed,” said Ghoul under his breath in a bit of a sing-song voice as he parked his bike next to Silver’s.

“Oh, he is,” she assured them. “He’s really pissed.”

Party blew a lock of his blood-colored hair out of his face as he followed everyone else up into the building and up an elevator. As much as he acted like he didn’t care, he did. He left again knowing perfectly well he’d get caught and perfectly well that Blade would be angry with them. But going around Battery City without the protection of the Killjoys was practically suicide. He wasn’t about to let his friends and his brother get killed because of his decisions. So they arrived up and saw Blade, a rather handsome young man with jet black hair and piercing brown eyes glare at them.

“Party Poison,” started Blade with a bit of a chuckle. “The main cause of all my problems. Just give me one good reason I shouldn’t let you off now.”

Not making eye contact with his teeth clenched, he just said, “I’ve never let you down on a mission before.”

“But you see, you have let me down before,” continued Blade. “Just in general. And it’s definitely getting on my last nerve.”

“It won’t happen again, I mean it this time,” Party said. “The boys and I, we need you.”

Now that got a sarcastic laugh from Blade as he said, “Well, now this is unusual. Party Poison admitting he needs help, not that big leader he’s all out to be. But you listen here, I don’t care how famous your crew is, I am more powerful. I don’t care that the Fantastic Four practically rules the desert because I rule the Killjoys in that desert. They can turn on you in a second if I tell them too. You can’t make your own rules, getting off my radar is the perfect way to get yourself and your buds dusted.” He slammed his desk hard and loud at the last word, right in Party’s face, getting a jump from each of the boys and even Silver was a bit surprised, it seemed. He calmed down slightly saying, “We don’t want that, do we?”

“N-no sir,” Party said after he was sure Blade’s temper had settled a bit. He still wasn’t looking him in the eyes, unsure of himself and what would happen if he did. It was an unnecessary fear, but Blade could do some pretty unexplainable things.

“Good. So I wouldn’t go forcing your guys into these rebellions unless you’re in the mood fo--”

“Stop it!” Party shouted, suddenly angry. His eyes were clamped shut and he began opening them slowly as he continued yelling, “I’m not forcing them to do shit! You really think I’d force any of them, especially my baby brother into things that could get them killed. None of them are doing this for any reason other than that they wanted to.”

“Keep down the sass, Poison,” Blade said, starting to raise his voice again as well. “Or so help me, I will dump you and your pals over there right in the middle of Battery City, right under Korse’s radar.”

Korse, the head hitman of Better Living Industries, S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W Unit. Being under his radar meant you’d be dead in seconds. There was no way Party was about to let that happen to any of these people, who he couldn’t live without.

Taking a deep breath, Party finally made eye contact with Blade and said, “Don’t. Just… just let me off with another warning I guess? I won’t do it again, I swear I wouldn’t do anything to get them killed.”

“This is your last warning,” said Blade. “I mean it this time. One more strike and Korse’ll have you all ghosted in no time. Silver, get them out of here.”

Silver lead the boys all out and once they were from the building, Party just sat on the steps with his head his lap. He could tell the boys were going around next to him and he looked up and said, “Why are you guys even still here? You heard the man, sticking with me is gonna get you killed.”

“That’s not what he said,” Jet said, putting a hand on Party’s shoulder. “You just need to get your act together. Keep your tracker in touch, stay under Blade’s radar, notify him when you’ll be out farther than Zone 3.”

“That’s not me, Jet,” Party said, looking up at him. “I live crazy, I can’t stay in one place. I can’t stay in this godforsaken city.”

“Then we’ll follow you,” said Ghoul, kneeling next to him.

“We’re not about to leave you on your own,” Kobra said, the only one still standing.

“Thank you guys but I’m not risking any of you,” Party said. “You all… you all mean too much to me. And Kobra, I’ve already seen you in enough danger. I don’t want to watch you get killed now as well.”

“Party, we’re a family,” Ghoul said. “We’re not just leaving you. We’re the Fabulous Four, taking the desert by storm.”

“I don’t want anything to happen to you guys,” Party said, wiping his eyes trying to hide the tears that were pooling in his eyes.

“If something happens to us, then you’ll have comfort in knowing we asked for it,” said Jet. “We’re not letting you just go alone.”

“Fine,” said Party, standing up again. “Thanks, I love you guys. I just really want to protect all of you.”

“We want to protect you too, Party,” Kobra said. “If we die out here…… then so be it. But we won’t get separated.”

“Thank you…” Party murmured. Jet, Kobra, and Ghoul all sat down around him, Ghoul getting close and  clutching his hand, protectively. Trying to keep himself from blushing, Party squeezed his hand back.

And for a second, Party felt okay.

 

**ONE MONTH LATER**

 

The desert would snow about once every ten to twelve years and now was that one snow. Leaning against the ‘Welcome to Battery City’ sign, Party put his hand out to catch a snowflake on his hand. His mask was hanging around his neck and though it was freezing, Party didn’t care. It was nice to see snow again 

“What are you doing out here?” came Ghoul’s voice, as he walked out from behind him. “You were doing good staying in the city.”

“Hey, Blade’s radar ends in Zone 3, technically I’m not even in Zone 1,” Party said. “I wanted to get out of the city. I’m getting annoyed with it, I’m sick of it.”

“Party, Blade will take any reason to drop you,” said Ghoul going over next to him. “He’ll find a way to figure out you’re doing something wrong. It’s better if you just play it safe.”

“I’m not the kind of person to play it safe,” said Party, seeing Ghoul and just in awe. This man was beautiful. The way snowflakes just laced in his long black hair and how he’d brush back strands that would blow in his eyes. Party was nothing short of mesmerized.

“I don’t want you dead, Party,” said Ghoul, already sounding worried. “All of us are and you know it. You just… you haven’t been yourself.”

“Of course I haven’t been myself, I had to tone ‘myself’ down quite a bit,” said Party. In the past month he had been quieter, more tame. He had tried to stay as mute as possible so Blade couldn’t send him out to die. He needed to stay alive for Ghoul and Jet and Kobra… He hadn’t been able to really be himself when he knew this time Blade meant it. Next time he screwed up, he’d be dead.

“Blade’ll get over it soon,” said Ghoul, putting an arm around Party, snow in both their hair and all over both of them. “We can do this, Party. We can do this.”

Letting out a bitter laugh, Party glanced at Ghoul and back in front of him. “I hope you’re right. Cuz I’m sure sick of all this.”

“And… I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this,” muttered Ghoul, just loud enough for Party to hear him. “But Jet said I had too when I said I was looking for you. You… you’ve seen the posters, right?”

“What?”

Taking a deep breath, Ghoul walked over slightly away from Party so he wouldn’t be facing him. “Ko--You’re on Korse’s radar. I don’t know if the rest of us are too, I don’t know if Blade let something slip… At the very least  _ you’re  _ on S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W’s radar. There have been a ton of wanted posters. He has your picture, he knows your name… He’s after you.”

“Well, we knew it’d happen someday,” said Party quietly, a wicked chuckle following. “I’m just begging for death, aren’t I?”

“We all came to the agreement that if Korse is taking you down, he’s taking us down with you,” Ghoul said.

“You already know what I’m gonna say,” Party said. “So I’ll just go with it now. The Fabulous Four, we live together, we die together.”


	4. Mama, We All Go to Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOAh sorry if this is like REALLY FUCKING EDGY I was listening to Bullets when I was editing so I was kinda feeling like an edgelord so I expressed it in this........ But this is probably my favorite chapter so far. I feel like the true personalities really start to show. These are definitely the boys you'll keep saying.

What was better news than knowing that surely, you were going to get killed? Party himself couldn’t think of anything. He had slowly head back to Battery City, the snow falling in his face, the storm getting worse and worse with Ghoul trailing behind him. He got to the building the boys had been staying at and just strutted in announcing, “Guess who’s ultimate murder is on its way!”

“You really did tell him,” Jet said, spinning around in a chair once he heard Party. “I didn’t think you had the guts.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ghoul said, his teeth chattering as he shivered and warmed his hands in front of the small fire they had lit up in a like of junk.

“I just didn’t think you’d actually tell him,” said Jet, glancing at Kobra who had a slightly sad, worried look on his face. “Thought that he’d have to figure it out himself, I know neither of us could.”

“Of course I told him,” said Ghoul, sounding a bit annoyed for whatever reason. “What do you take me for?”

“Just saying it’d be hard for any of us,” said Jet. “None of want Party gone, he’s too important to all of us.”

“Aww, you’re makin’ me blush,” said Party, plopping into a chair next to Kobra, who was quietly sitting on the floor with his bass guitar in hand. That instrument seemed to be the kid’s pride and joy, he was always playing it and always working on something new. “But you see, now I just have more excuses to live it up while I have the chance. I don’t want my shamefully early death to be for nothing.”

“You’re not gonna have a ‘shamefully early death,’ so don’t get in the habit of saying that,” Kobra piped up, setting his bass down. “None of us are. We’re supposed to protect each other, that’s exactly what’ll be happening.”

“Woah, Jet did you get the Kid all heated before I came down here?” joked Party, knowing perfectly well that no one else was in the mood for any jokes.

“Shut up, Party, I just don’t want to see any of you guys get ghosted out there,” Kobra said, slightly quieter as he leaned his head against his brother’s chair.

Reaching to ruffle his hair, Party looked at him and said, “Hey, I’m just joking. You know I am. You know I won’t let any of this shit happen to any of you guys or myself.”

“I know,” said Kobra, Party able to tell from his expression he likely wouldn’t be speaking again. “It’s just gotten all too… all too real.” He didn’t go to swat away Party’s hand like he would in the past. The realness of it all was getting to him, knowing it was possible any day his brother would just be gone forever. He even took Party’s arm, clutching it once he draped it over his shoulder.

“He’s right,” replied Jet, standing up. “We can’t ignore this anymore. Better Living and S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W aren’t just little comic book villains to play hero with anymore. They’re real. They’re targeting our friend, our brother. We need to show them who the Fabulous Four really is. If they want Party, they’re asking for all of us.”

A smile slowly spread across Ghoul’s face as he heard the last bit. “Nice pep talk, Jet.”

Jet grinned and squeezed Party’s shoulder before going on, “I can tell you’re thirsting for chaos, but it’s getting late. Don’t you think we should head on to bed?”

“Not now Jet, I’m mourning,” said Party, sarcastically as he dramatically tossed his head back and spun the chair in circles a bit. Kobra rolled his eyes and picked his bass back up, silently strumming a few notes, not loud enough to be an interruption.

“Mourning what?”

“The loss of myself. I might just go off and get blue-lined in the desert. Gonna die soon anyway.”

It wasn’t unlike Party to get fatally drunk or high when a slight inconvenience occurred, but this wasn’t slight. This was a perfectly understandable reason for Party to drink himself to death but he wasn’t gonna. He’d likely head out in the desert in the next day anyway, find some ‘joys and just enjoy what life he had left.

“Well, I’m heading to sleep,” said Jet. They didn’t exactly have beds, so going to sleep was finding the softest patch of warehouse floor available and using your bag as a pillow, which wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but to Killjoys who spent life running around and about, it was paradise.

“Me too,” Ghoul said. “It’s been… it’s been a long day.”

The two had started falling asleep by the fire when Kobra, without even looking over at Party, said, “Please please please just stop risking your life.”

“Kobra—”

“No, I don’t want you to die. I don’t want anything to happen to you,” Kobra continued, finally glancing at his brother. “You insist on risking your life every. Damn. Day.”

“Risks are kinda my thing, kid,” said Party, hoping to lighten the mood a little bit, though he knew that Kobra would snap at him. And he was right.

“I don’t care, Party!” Kobra said, realizing he was a bit loud and quieting so he wouldn’t wake the boys. “I don’t care that taking risks is ‘your thing.’ You know what else is ‘your thing’? Being my brother. And I don’t want that to stop because you made some stupid decisions.”

“Kobra, you know I wouldn’t leave you.” Party said, softly. “I care about you more than I care about anything else. I’m not leaving you.”

“You seem pretty keen on leaving me if you ask me.”

“I—Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’m being hunted by the most dangerous person in Battery City, this isn’t exactly something I can take slowly. It all came at me really fast… really fucking fast, Kobra. I just want to forget about all this and let it go but I can’t exactly do that.”

“Just be careful,” Kobra said. “You need to be less reckless. Someday it’s gonna catch up to you and it won’t be a good day for any of us.”

At that, Kobra went to join Ghoul and Jet, sleeping by the fire, just leaving Party to sit awake and think. Kobra was right, if he kept being as reckless and careless as being he was bound to get caught sooner rather than later. But the likelihood good of Korse maybe catching one of his friends got greater every day and Party didn’t know how he’d live with it if he was responsible for the deaths of any of them. Even if it was indirect, he’d blame himself and ultimately destroy himself. This was all just getting to be too much so fast. And Party didn’t know how much more he could take.

* * *

 

Party woke up to the smell of cigarette smoke and opened his eyes to find he had fallen asleep in the spinning chair. Ghoul was lighting a cigarette a couple feet in front of him, leaning up against a post. His hair was slightly messy and in his face, obviously having just woken up but it sure was a sight to wake up to, Party running his fingers through his own hair, hoping he looked okay as well.

Jet entered the warehouse, seeming to have left earlier saying, “So I managed to get some food…” he threw Pop-Tart packages at all three boys, still half asleep and scoffed when he saw Ghoul. “C'mon, you gotta stop smoking, dude. I told you, that’s gonna destroy your lungs.”

“Anything that gets me closer to my grave is a gift from heaven,” Ghoul said, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and blowing smoke in Jet’s direction as he grabbed a Pop-Tart.

Rolling his eyes, Jet sat down next to Kobra, who still seemed a bit heated from the night before. His usually (oddly) neat hair was flying every which way and he seemed (rather adorably) angry as he ate his Pop-Tart, but that might’ve just been his face.

“So today,” Party started, ruffling his own hair again and rolling up the sleeves on his blue jacket. “Today I’m going to Blade’s. I want to find out exactly what he let slip, if anything.”

Each of the remaining three had their own reaction, each a sort of ‘No!’ type. Kobra’s expression seemed to read ‘What did we talk about?’ and Ghoul’s cigarette fell out of his open mouth. Blade seemed to hate Party enough, anything he could do would somehow make the situation worse than it already was.

“I’m heading up in a bit,” he continued, ignoring the seemingly troubled reactions from his friends. “So don’t try and catch up. This is something I need to do alone.”

“Party,” Jet started, his voice stern. “Party.” No response. “Party Poison, Blade obviously hates you. If he didn’t let something slip and you manage to make him more mad, I’m sure he will.”

“What if he tipped of Korse about you guys?” Party said. That was the real reason he was going. He knew it’d piss off Blade, but if he had gotten anyone else he cared about on Korse’s radar, he needed to know who’s ass to beat and exactly how hard.

“We can handle it—”

“Well I can’t,” finished Party. “You can’t stop me, okay? I’m going.”

And at that Party left the building, seeming angry. He didn’t care for any of their worry. Not until he had made sure they were safe, safer than him at least. He didn’t care about himself anymore, it was all about the people he cared about. None of them deserved to die, especially if it was because of him.

So storming up to Blade’s office, Party loudly burst in running going up to his desk, hs face riddled with rage. “Really, Blade? Ratting me out to S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W? I thought you had more respect for yourself. You’d stoop that low?”

Calmly looking up from the paper he was writing on, Blade looked at Party, not seeming angry. Just annoyed. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“The posters all over town? With my picture?” said Party, arms crossed as he leaned against the desk. “How’d they get there? I’ve never gotten in a fight with an exterminator. Not once. You explain to me who tipped off Korse and his buddies.¨

“Ah, that,” said Blade, leaning back slightly. “I didn’t tip him off, I’d never give myself and my Killjoys away. My _loyal_ Killjoys. But I won’t deny that your name didn’t slip from the mouths of one of our recently ghosted. Won’t deny he didn’t have your ID picture in his vest. But of course, I’m not so cruel to give him your tracking number, so you’ll survive.”

Party sighed, putting his weight back on his feet. “Neon Blade, you son of a bitch. Did you slip the boys as well?”

“The rest of the Fabulous Four,” Blade said, his voice in a thick, mocking tone. “Not so fabulous anymore, are you?”

“Blade, did you slip my friends to Korse? Did you slip my brother?” Party said, trying to hide the panic in his voice when it came through obviously with his worrying eyes and shaking hands.

“ _I_ didn’t,” started Korse, suspiciously. “I can’t say for sure someone won’t.”

“Don’t you dare get your little henchmen to get them out there,” said Party, his voice starting to shake as well. “They deserve to live. More than I do at least. If it feeds your painfully large ego, they insist on going down with me, but I’d do anything to keep them living. Please.”

With a soft, evil chuckle Blade went back to what he was doing before and simply murmured, “No promises.”

So, frustrated as ever, Party slammed Blade’s desk hard as he walked back to the warehouse, heated as ever with angry tears in his eyes that he just refused to shed. “FUCK THIS!” he shouted, punching the wall until his knuckles began to bleed. Though his knuckles were raw and bloody, he continued punching hard, despite the torn skin and throbbing pain in his hands

Jet was the only one there when Party had returned, jumping as he heard his voice. “Party! Wha-what happened?” He ran over to his friend and grabbed his arms, “Hey, hey, hey. Calm down, don’t torture yourself. What’s up?”

“Blade. Neon fucking Blade,” Party said, wiping blood from his knuckles onto his vest and pants, his hands stinging but he completely ignored it, just leaning his back against the wall and falling to the ground. “I don’t know what he’ll do. It’s… it’s scary. I don’t like being vulnerable, but I can’t let you guys get hunted down. This is all because I got Blade mad.”

“Party,” Jet said, going over by his bag to grab something to wrap Party’s hands with. “Don’t blame yourself, please. It’s really not your fault, I promise.”

Party didn’t respond. He just sat, a miserable, guilty look on his face as Jet wrapped his hands. It took a lot more bandages than Jet originally though, bleeding through the first batch and as he continued wrapping them, Jet looked Party in the eye and put his hands over Party’s bandaged ones and said, “Try not to stress yourself out for the next few days. It’s really bad for you and you… no offence, but you don’t exactly handle it well.”

“I know,” Party said, his voice monotone and deep as Jet finished up the bandages. As Jet tore the final bandage on his left hand, Ghoul and Kobra had walked in laughing. But both their smiles had dropped the moment they saw Party laying on the ground, in tears with bandaged, bloody hands with Jet near him.

“Wha-what happened?” Ghoul said, running over with Kobra short behind him. “Party? You okay?”

Party nodded, cringing in pain when he tried to lean his head against his hand. He looked to Jet, his expression begging him to tell the story instead. Him not speaking was the first sign of something being wrong, normally he’d never shut up.

Jet put a hand on his shoulder, looking to Ghoul and Kobra and saying, “I-Party didn’t really explain. He was kinda having a bit of a meltdown but he told me he can’t let us get hunted down. He doesn’t know what Blade will do. When I found him he was hitting the wall and screaming… his hands were all bloody.”

Party opened his mouth, trying to get words out. When he finally managed to get words out, his voice was low and raspy. “He… One of Blade’s… one of his people. They turned me in before they got killed. And… And Blade told me that he wouldn’t make promises for not dropping all your information. I’m… I’m scared.”  

They all just looked at each other, everyone anxious. They were silent until Ghoul piped up, saying, “That absolute ass. He’s just looking for an easy way to get rid of you now. I bet he’s threatening us to get you to turn yourself in.”

“I might as well,” murmured Party.

“That’s what he wants,” Ghoul said, Jet muttering an agreeing response.  “Don’t let him break you.”

Now Party’s voice had lowered until it was nothing above an eerie whisper, “You’ve seen what everyone’s like now. I don’t think there’s any chance any of us will end up so-called saints. In a world like this, we all go to hell anyway.”


	5. The Sharpest Live Are the Deadliest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> switched to one upload a week--just so I don't get everything out to quick

It was a dark next week, Party spending most of his time inside, quiet and bitter. He’d flinch every time he heard a door open, always thinking, ‘It’s them, they’re here for me.’ He had been living in a constant fear  until one day, Jet had came home. He had come with a fairly pretty girl, the three had all assumed was his girlfriend, but she wasn’t, surprisingly. She had come to talk to Party. 

“Party, this is Noir Angel,” Jet said, leading the girl with long, black hair and a stern look on her face. “A Killjoy, she’s here to talk to you.”

“I don’t trust her,” Party said loudly, ignoring her as much as he could. He had learned the hard way to be very careful who he could trust, leaving him a list of explicitly Kobra Kid, Fun Ghoul, and Jet Star. No one else. He thought he’d made that quite clear, but apparently not.

“C’mon Party,” Jet said. “Just talk to her. You don’t need to let her into your life or anything she just… she seems to really want to talk to you.”

“Jet, I thought I made it clear who I trusted,” continued Party, glancing at him from a chair, bending back to look at him. “Don’t make me take you off that list.”

“Party.”

“Fine!” he eventually agreed. “Noir Angel? What do you want?”

“I want to talk to you in private,” she said sternly. Her voice was high, a bit too high to really be taken seriously but she appeared scary enough people would. 

Rolling his eyes, Party led her to where they wouldn’t be bothered before saying, “If you’re gonna kill, please just get it over with. I wouldn’t mind if I’m being 100% honest.”

“That’s not what I’m here for,” she continued. “Here,”--she stuck out her hand-- “Call me Noir. Is it okay if I call you Party?”

“Call me sweetheart if you really want to,” Party said sarcastically. “Just get this bullshit over with. I have better things to do.”

“Like what?” Noir said, tossing part of her dark hair over her shoulders. The sun shining in from a window illuminated her caramel skin gorgeous as she continued, “Cowering and waiting for Korse or someone in S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W to just find you?”  
“I mean, I  guess so! What else do you recommend I do?”

“Party, that’s exactly what I’m here for. I saw your posters up and I thought I’d be a good ally. I’m pretty squeaky in the world of Killjoys.”

Party chuckled saying, “A good ally? What do you want to do?”

“Well, I have some ideas,” said Noir calmly. Her face was tough and determined as she continued, “We need to take your weaknesses, anything Korse can find in you and take advantage of… and we need to destroy it. You need no weaknesses, nothing that he might be able to use against you.”

“My weaknesses?” Who did this ‘Noir’ girl think she was? He had just met her, he wouldn’t go around telling her weaknesses and how to make him vulnerable when he wasn’t even 100% sure she was on his side. So he just sat and listened to her. Maybe she’d give him a valid reason to trust her but at the same time, he didn’t know what he was looking for to trust her.

“Yes, your weaknesses,” repeated Noir. “If we can make you immune to those, we can make you immune to anything but a bullet. I can help you, Party. Trust me.”

“‘Trust me’? You know what those words mean, right?”

“Obviously.”

“No, I mean you know how serious those words are? Someone like me isn’t gonna trust a little girl who one day told me too. Kobra, Ghoul, and Jet… the things we’ve done for each other are insane. I trust them Why should trust you?”

“Kobra, Ghoul, and Jet…” Noir said to herself quietly before saying louder, “They’re your weaknesses. ‘The things you’ve done for each other.’ You wouldn’t hurt them for anything, huh?”

“I guess--”

“There! We have a start,” said Noir. “But we have to start small… who would you say you’re weakest for? Yes, you’d die for any of them, but who in particular is it physically painful to see them in danger?”

Party didn’t respond at first, hating how he unintentionally gave away probably his biggest weakness. He hated being vulnerable but that’s exactly how he felt right now, with this girl he didn’t even know having his greatest weakness in her hands. Anyone who knew about this could literally control Party and it had happened before. He vowed never to let it happen again, but here we was. With it happening again.

But having already dug himself a deep enough hole and knowing she wouldn’t leave him alone, he dropped eye contact and murmured, “I mean… Kobra, I guess. He’s my little brother. Mess with him and you’ve hit a nerve so hard I’ll never forgive you.”

“We need to change that,” said Noir. “If you’re weak because something happened to him, that’s a way to get exploited by exterminators. In this world, you can’t give up because you have to watch someone you care about die. I’m sure we all have.”

“He’s my… he’s my brother,” repeated Party. “I’m not gonna stop being protective of my brother because you don’t like it.”

Noir rolled her eyes and put her hands on Party’s shoulder, “That’s not what I’m saying. Go ahead, be as protective over him as you want. You just need to make it so that if you have to watch something bad happen to him, you won’t give in. Giving in is the worst thing a person can do in this kind of world.”

“I’m not gonna take your advice,” Party said, a bit angry. Who was she to tell him what he had to do to survive? She said it herself she was ‘pretty squeaky’ for a Killjoy, meaning she wasn’t on the Bat City radar. Did that even make her a real Killjoy? She wasn’t constantly running from death. Even before S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W had come after Party, he and the boys were on the Bat City radar. It was hard to find a Killjoy who wasn’t, they were often treated like trash until they got bullied into their life of crime.

“Fine, do what you want,” Noir said, crossing her arms. “I’m not forcing you. But just take my advice, it might keep you alive. And… I think I’m a valuable ally. Maybe you don’t think so, but I’ll stick around and maybe you’ll agree.”

Party doubted it. He just angrily left, not able to believe she believed she could control him, tell him what to do. He wanted to punch something and to punch it hard, but his hands were still covered in filthy wraps. Jet had said he needed to change them soon and clean the wounds so they wouldn’t get infected, but Party didn’t really mind if they did. They were still hurting, his knuckles still felt raw but he could tell they were healing. He had started to pick off the bandages and his knuckles were still pink, dirt gathering where the skin had broken and though he did desperately need to clean them, they weren’t as bad.

So he walked into the room Ghoul would often disappear too, knowing Noir wouldn’t be following it. He hoped she at least had that much courtesy, to leave him be. So entering the room, Party saw Ghoul was sitting by an open window, a cigarette in his mouth. He had always disappeared to this room to smoke, which made sense since Jet hated it whenever he did and the pestering likely got on his nerves. He was sitting with his knees to his chest on a large windowsill, looking outside solemnly with his eyes squinted slightly.

“Hey,” Party said once he saw his friend. Ghoul glanced over at the sound of his voice, taking his cigarette between his fingers and blowing out smoke. He just nodded rather than actually responding so Party continued. “You know that hot girl Jet brought over? She wanted to talk to me and now she’s out telling me how to live my life.”

“Bitch,” Ghoul said with a sigh. “She gone now?”

Party shook his head, saying, “I don’t know. She said she didn’t plan on leaving, she wanted to be some sort of ally.”

Ghoul sighed loudly before saying, “She’s hot at least. What did she want?”

“My weaknesses.”

Ghoul finally looked over at Party with his jaw dropped. He leaned his cigarette against his raised knee before simply saying, “The fuck? Who does she think she is?”

Shrugging, Party just said, “She got a bit out of me. You guys. I don’t know if she is on our side or if she’s working for someone against us… I’m slightly worried on what’ll happen but I am not excited to find out.”

And then Party’s heart stopped as he felt Ghoul reach down from his ledge and clutched his hand. “Hey, it’ll be okay. Trust me, Kobra, Jet, and I, we’ll help. She won’t get to us, we promise.” Party loved it when Ghoul was like this… he could go from distant and cold to empathetic and caring so quickly  and it was another thing that made him even more beautiful to Party. 

Party blushed, looking down at his hand in Ghoul’s. “T-thanks. I’m about to do something. I might regret it. Stop me if you don’t like it.” And though he knew it was a risk, he knew it would likely blow up in his face, he did it. He got on his knees until he was at eye level with Ghoul, sitting on the windowsill, he moved forward and kissed him. Right on the lips. 

Party completely expected Ghoul to push him away, maybe yell at him. But he didn’t. Ghoul seemed fairly into it, wrapping his arms around Party’s shoulders and leaning into the kiss. When the kiss started to get intense was when the two separated, knowing they shouldn’t let themselves get so far. Party was speechless when he saw Ghoul in front of him, smiling, hand still around his neck and shoulders so all he managed to get out was, “You… you’re a great kisser.”

Ghoul chuckled softly before saying, “You feel it too?”

Nodding somewhat excitedly with a giddy smile on his face, Party whispered, “Yeah,” and Ghoul went in for another kiss, light and playful this time.

“I’ve been thinking it. For so long,” Ghoul said, the smile still on his face. “The thought of just sitting with you, not needing anything but you… running my hands through your hair… I hope that’s not creepy.”

“No, it’s not,” said Party, not able to (or trying) to hide his blushing. “For so long I’ve just looked at you and wondered what you’d see in someone like me. You’re beautiful and funny and just plain incredible. I look at you and you define flawless.”

A small laugh before Ghoul responded, “I don’t think you could be further from the truth there. I’m none of those things, hate to break it to you. I’m broken. Almost beyond repair.”

“Well… we all are,” Party said, Ghoul brushing a strand of hair from his face. “We can be each other’s glue though. We’ll put each other back together.”

“If anyone can do it, it’s you,” Ghoul said, staring at Party’s lips before he took his arms from around his shoulders and said, “We shouldn’t really play around now.”

Though Party agreed, it was slightly upsetting. He didn’t feel as horrible about loving someone anymore, he felt happy. He knew that Ghoul loved him as well now and he had someone in his life who could make him truly feel like he was doing something right. He just wanted to lay in Ghoul’s arms, like he had that night in the hospital without feeling guilty. To be curled in the shorter boy’s chest, safe in his arms and lightly kissing his lips… there was so much he wanted but mostly, he just wanted Ghoul and now he had him. Now he had someone who’d love him more than he’d ever been loved. So, still smiling and red he and Ghoul left the room, Ghoul having extinguished his cigarette and clutching Party’s hand. 

“Party, that girl just walked over,” said Kobra, looking up from where he was sitting in one of the spinning chairs, playing his bass. “She seemed pretty pissed. You told her off?”

Releasing Ghoul’s hand, Party walked over to sit near his brother as he said, “Pretty much. She’s trying to get weaknesses out of me. Said I can’t protect you if I wanna stay alive. Crazy stuff, but she promised she’d stick around. Thought she’d be a ‘good ally.’”

Rolling his eyes, Kobra set his bass down as he said, “Just ignore her but…. But what do you mean you ‘can’t protect me’?”

Party shrugged, but Ghoul said instead, “He said we were his weaknesses. Noir doesn’t want him having any, so obviously it’s an issue for her that he’s protective.”

Scrunching his nose, Kobra looked at both boys and said, “What a load of bullshit. Well, hope she chokes.”

Both boys sort of laughed in response. Though he had seriously considered getting Kobra in on everything, Party knew he shouldn’t. He wanted Ghoul and his relationship to stay private as possible for as long as possible, especially now that Noir was involved. If she were to find out that he was romantically involved with someone, what would she do? Especially if she was working against them, would she target Ghoul? And Party wouldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t. He didn’t know how much Ghoul needed him, but what he did know was that he needed Ghoul. Maybe more than he thought.

“Goddammit!” came a frustrated grunt, familiar but at the same time no one expected to hear Jet sound so angry. He quickly ran into the building from outside where he held a crumpled poster in his fist. “Look at this!” he said angrily, unfolding the poster where Ghoul’s mugshot was along with his name. He had a poster for Party too and he threw both of them to the ground. “I grabbed them quick as I could. I was trying to take down Party’s when I saw one for Ghoul too.”

 

_ FUN GHOUL, Killjoy, wanted for crimes against Better Living Industries; If sighted, please contact your nearest S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W representative _

_ PARTY POISON, Killjoy, wanted for crimes against Better Living Industries; If sighted, please contact your nearest S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W representative _

 

“He’s just slowly letting us slip,” Ghoul said, a mortified expression on his face as he looked at the poster. “He’s risking more and more men, just to get rid of us. How far is he going?”

Jet stepped on the papers, violently rubbing them into the dusty floor with his foot, which was unlike him. He must’ve been really angry. “He’s still got Kobra and I. Who knows when he’ll just drop us.”

“At least it’s not Blade’s first wanted poster,” Party said, trying to lighten the mood. The leader had first been branded ‘WANTED’ not by S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W, just by BL-Ind. It was for stealing a car and the president at the time’s daughter. He had used her as ransom to get taken off the radar, which was smart but it was only BL-Ind. Being wanted by S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W was a much bigger deal.

“I don’t know, I’d love to ransom my way out of this,” muttered Ghoul. “Now I gotta look over my shoulder a bit more.”

“Well,” started Party, standing up. “We chose this life. To do what we believe and maybe what we believe got us some enemies we’d be better off befriending. But we knew the risks going into this. The lives we chose are deadly so we might as well enjoy them.”

It was good logic to have. Live every day like you’ll die tomorrow, that’s how Party liked to live and he kept trying to get the boys to live like that too. Because once you lived like you were gonna die, you knew you were truly ready for whatever came next.

And oh lord, they had to be.


	6. Fake Your Death or It's Your Blame

All hope died once you had made it past Zone 3 in the desert. You really weren’t under anybody’s control anymore, it was no man’s land. But also every man’s land. If you could get your hands on it, you were lucky as hell, but the chances were very very slim. Most murders happened in there and Zone 5 was the home of probably the largest Killjoy mass grave, the notorious Burial Gardens. For the most part, the bodies were properly buried but occasionally you’d come across a corpse that had just been dumped there. It was always disturbing, but something a ‘joy in the desert had to accept and go with.  Party had been there a few times, first during his first time off in the desert and he had panicked. The constant feeling of death made you feel like someone was always watching you and it was really just an uneasy place to be. But after that, before joining the Bat City Killjoys, he had gone there a lot just to clear his mind or think. It went from a place he dreaded to something of a sanctuary.

But Party didn’t know why he was standing there right now. He had decided to be smart by making sure Blade knew he was heading into Zone 5 and had left early in the morning, renting a motorcycle that Ghoul had started to teach him to drive. He was sitting on a gravestone, staring into the distance. He needed to ponder, think about everything.

How he could very well just have gotten into the relationship he’d wanted for so long.

How he and the person he wanted were both being hunted by a group of the head exterminators.

How his best friends and his brother could start getting hunted any minute.

Was it really worth it?

Party was so tempted to just… not go home. His friends were so much better off without him, there chances of survival would shoot up. But he just sat, running fingers through his cherry colored hair and letting the stress overtake him.

“You got a minute?” came a voice Party recognized, but barely. He jumped a bit before looking back and seeing it was Noir. How did she find him?

“Were you following me?” Party said, glancing back at her. “Trackers disable past Zone 3…”

Noir shrugged before saying, “I saw you leaving. I thought maybe I’d have a better time convincing you if you were away from your weaknesses.”  
“Don’t call them that,” said Party. The audacity of this girl, calling his friends his weaknesses like they were something she could just get him to forget about.

“They are your weaknesses though,” insisted Noir. “I need to get you blind to them. Blind to their struggles. Trust me, you’re better off when you’re not always worrying about three guys who can take perfectly good care of themselves.”

She had a point. Party really had no reason to constantly feel like he needed to protect them. But he did because it was just in his nature to be a very protective person. He had always been protective over Kobra, even before their parents died and it seemed like the moment he had more people in his life who were just as important, he couldn’t bare to lose them. And he really couldn’t.

“Maybe you’re right,” admitted Party, sitting on the grave again, not making eye contact with Noir. “But I don’t want to change, you know. Me being over-protective is the reason I haven’t lost Kobra yet. You know what I’d be like if I lost Kobra? You don’t want too.”

Loudly sighing, Noir said, “I’m not telling you to stop protecting them. I’m telling you that your well-being absolutely cannot surround theirs. If it does, then you’ve already doomed yourself. If they die, you’re pretty much useless.”

“Likely.”

“That’s not good, Party. Which is why I’m here. To help.”

“Just leave it alone, okay? I don’t want your help or for you to be an ally. That shouldn’t be so hard to understand.”

“I--” Noir grunted and rolled her eyes before continuing, “You know, I’m not trying to hurt you. Ever since I heard of you before Blade took you in, I’ve thought you were incredible. I guess I even looked up to you. But since then I’ve became a strategist and I think you could really use my help. You don’t want to appear weak, no matter what. In a world like this, if you don’t die, you gotta fake your death to survive.”

“You know, sometimes there’s power in weakness,” Party said, getting up off the grave and heading towards Noir. “Sometimes someone sees you vulnerable around the people you care about the most, my brother for me and thinks, ‘Wow, I guess this world hasn’t completely ruined everyone yet.’ I know it’s hard to believe, but a lot of people still feel. I for one hate being vulnerable, but sometimes it’s my greatest advantage.”

“But sometimes vulnerability will get you killed,” insisted Noir. “Maybe rogue Killjoys honor it, but Korse doesn’t care. Korse and the people in S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W exploit your weaknesses, take advantage of them, and leave you dead in a ditch before you have the chance to fight back.”

“That doesn’t sound all too awful.”

“Just listen to me. We don’t need to rid you of weakness. You’re human, that’s not possible. But we can make those weaknesses so they don’t control you. We can make you virtually invincible.”

Party crossed his arms before saying and turning around, “Noir, just… just leave me alone. I don’t want you in my life. I told you. Leave. Me. Be.”

“Fine,” said Noir. “But, I just want you to know… I know about Ghoul. About you and Ghoul. Being _together_. You can’t let people in the way you let Ghoul in. Something’s gonna happen and you will be destroyed.”

Turning back around, suddenly feeling panicked and shocked as he looked at her. “H-how do you know about that?”

“You were both making out in front of an open window,” she said, matter-of-factly. “I saw you guys. You can’t let him in your life in that way.”

“You can’t control my goddamn life!” shouted Party. “You know, I think I’ve found someone I actually love. It’s against everything I wanted but now it’s something that I want and I’m not letting you take that happiness away.”

“Don’t come crying back to me when you’re all alone,” said Noir, her hands in the pockets of her leather pants as she got on her motorcycle. Before she got off, Party noticed the logo on the jacket she was wearing and saw the name ‘Motorbabies.’ The biker Killjoys. She must’ve been a new recruit. Ghoul always loved hanging around them and seemed just as confused to her identity as the rest of them did.

So Party just sat back against a gravestone out at the Burial Gardens for just a bit longer before deciding to head out back to the boys. It was around midday at this point, so he had likely caused some sort of panic among the boys, but he’d explain when he got back. He drove around a bit before parking Ghoul’s bike outside and tearing down a wanted poster for himself off a nearby pole. He walked into the building where his friends were staying, all their faces shooting to the door and flooding with relief as he walked in. Ghoul even came up to hug him tightly, saying,

“Dude, you can’t just scare us like that,” Ghoul said, his arms around Party just like they had been the day before with his chin resting on his shoulder. “You coulda gave me a heart attack.”

“Yeah,” started Jet, standing up as well. “Next time, leave a note or something. We were all so sure Korse or S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W had nabbed you. You know how much that’d suck?”

“A lot, I assume?” Party said with a small chuckle. “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again. I needed to clear my mind so I got the okay from Blade and head out to the Burial Gardens to think.”

“I’ve always found it so weird you go to a mass grave to clear your mind,” Kobra said, sunglasses on as he remained sitting on the floor, leaning against a chair. “Ever since we stumbled across it, it’s stressed me out.”

“I don’t know,” said Party, finally breaking the hug from Ghoul when the shorter boy loosened his grip a bit. “There’s something about it… the aura of the place gives off these calming vibes… it’s nice.”

As the boys talked to each other, Party couldn’t help but tune them out. All he could think about was his conversation with Noir. She was crazy, she was insane, but worst of all she knew about Ghoul. She saw them kissing the day before and she was bound to use that against him. The way she had told him ‘not to come crying back when he’s all alone’... what was she going to do to him? Was she gonna hurt him to prove her point? She couldn’t. Not even she would be so cruel or just so plain sadistic that they’d kill someone who made Party just so happy. He’d be broken without Ghoul. He had to tell him, to warn him so he knew to look out in case she targeted him.

But the moment he opened his mouth to call Ghoul he couldn’t. The boy was worried enough about S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W catching him, he didn’t want to add to that. Maybe it wasn’t the best decision with the possibility Noir wanted to prove her point that badly. But he’d look out for him. He’d keep him safe.

He had too.

“You know, it’s been a bit since we spent some time in the desert,” said Jet. He was right, it had been almost two months since that treacherous time in the desert where they had gotten caught and caused Blade to do some things no one though he’d ever do. But it was also unlike Jet to want to go back. He was a rather cautious person and very very against anything that could get any of the boys hurt. He had pretty much acted as the helicopter dad three reckless guys needed in their lives.

A grin slowly formed on Party’s face as he said, “You’re right. We should head back out there soon. The Burial Gardens was the first time I’ve been there for a bit.”

“What about Blade?” said Kobra, glancing back over. “I don’t want him dropping Jet or my information… now we know he means business. He’s sacrificed Killjoys to get you two out there.”

“We’ll be safe this time,” said Party. “Let him know. He still technically has us under his protection so he can’t get us if we abide by his rules.”

The smallest grin came on Kobra’s face as he nodded and said, “Sure. We should. Soon.”

“Looks like little bro’s still fun.” Party joked before going to ruffle Kobra’s hair. After laughing with the boys for a bit, them planning to go again within the next week or so, Party walked another one of the rooms in the warehouse where, big surprise, Noir was waiting. Spying on him again.

“How do you keep getting in here?” he said, not whispering, but just quiet enough for the guys in the next room not to here.

“I mean, it’s a pretty big building,” Noir said, before continuing. “But that’s besides the point. When are you gonna stop risking their lives because you need a little entertainment?”

“What?”

“You say they are your only weaknesses, but you’ll gladly take them past the safety of Zone 3 cuz you’re bored. That doesn’t add up.”

“Noir, hate to break it to you, but we’re grown-ups,” said Party, rolling his eyes. “They know how to keep themselves safe. If they couldn’t, they’d never be leaving Bat City. It’s dangerous enough here.”

“Exactly my point,” continued Noir. “It’s dangerous as hell here. But it’s worse out there. Once you’re in Zone 4, you’re officially off the grid. No protection, no safety, you’re on the list of any gang out there. You’re risking your life and theirs just to have a little fun.”

“You realize this is completely voluntary, right?” said Party. “They all want to go out in the desert. Not just me. We all want some fun. Give us a break.”

“You know what I think you should do?” Noir said and continued right on without waiting for Party’s response. “Just… just fake your death before all this ends up your fault. Go… go fake a suicide or a murder or something and let your friends mourn you and let your friends get over you and then you can go to the desert nd start a new life. None of this will be your fault.”

“I’ve never taken your advice and I never will,” Party said, before turning to leave. “It was a mistake coming over here, I was betting on finding you. You’re not welcome in here, go ahead and leave. I have a great pair of lips attached to a great guy waiting for me.”

Party left at Noir’s face, shocked he’d just leave her like that but he was done with her bullshit. She could keep preaching her dumbass ideas but there was no way she could get Party to listen. And as great as faking his death and leaving all the blame behind him seemed, he had just gotten Ghoul and he wasn’t about to leave him.

“Ghoul, can I get you over here?” Party said, just poking his head into the main area. Ghoul smiled in response before going over to Party who lead him into the room they had kissed in yesterday. Once Party sat down, Ghoul collapsed on top of him, laying stomach down on Party’s lap and grinning as he said,

“What do you need, Party?”

They had only known about both of them feeling for each other for about a day, but Ghoul was already so comfortable with it. He was always seizing the opportunity to jump right into Party’s arms or kiss him on the cheek or whatever, even if Jet and Kobra were around. Party didn’t fully mind, but sometimes things got too far and he’d have to quickly move so his intentions weren’t revealed.

“I just wanna spend some time with you,” Party said, twisting a finger in Ghoul’s long black hair. “Alone, for a bit. If you don’t mind.”

“I will never mind,” Ghoul said, moving up to kiss Party lightly. “As long as it’s with you.”

How had he been living without this? A day gone by and Party couldn’t believe he had lived without Ghoul’s love. It was crazy how someone could change you in that short a timeframe, but he had and Party felt lucky and happy. And in love. Crazy in love.

“So… how long have you felt this way about me?” Party asked. His little crush had started not too long after they first met but he had never noticed Ghoul’s. Kobra would warn him and warn him how obvious he was but with Ghoul… it never seemed to shine through.

“Two years I think,” said Ghoul. “We’ve known each other for four, right? Yeah, I think two years. I didn’t think you’d ever feel the same way.”

“Really? Kobra would always say I was _so obvious_.”

“Either he was teasing or I’m just blind.”

“Likely both.”

The boys laughed, Ghoul’s smile huge and adorable as he continued just laying overtop of Party’s legs, his arms around his back. He looked up at Party before saying, “I know this just started… and I know you probably aren’t ready to go full out… but I hope you know I’m ready when you are. I really care about you, Party Poison.”

And Party grinned, somewhat sad but also happy.

God, he hoped nothing happened to this guy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, I love interacting with you guys so do that--  
> And also in my Google Drive draft I'm quite a bit ahead so just know I have big ass plans I can't wait for y'all to see 😈😈


	7. Late Dawns & Early Sunsets

As usual, Party went to completely disregard any advice Noir had tried to give him. He wasn’t about to let some squeaky motorbaby, barely even a Killjoy tell him how to live. In the next week he and the boys had gotten ready (mostly mentally) to head down to farther zones. They had some authority there from making their names known in the past. The Fabulous Four was probably the most well-known crew of Killjoys by far and it was known that you couldn’t mess with them if you loved your life. Party and the boys refused to kill too often, only they would ruin lives to the point it’d be more merciful to kill, but they’d leave you alive unless you hit a real agitated nerve.

But in the next week, Party had also spent so much more time with Ghoul. Just the two of them. And it felt so good to be with him all the time as obvious as everything was likely becoming to Jet and Kobra with how often they’d disappear together. But it had been beautiful time. They’d cuddle and kiss and just talk and wonder how they had lived without the other so intimately, so completely. They were both happier than they had ever been before and it was because of each other.

“You guys ready?” Ghoul called from outside the warehouse. “C’mon, hurry up!! I wanna get going soon as possible!”

“Be a bit patient, will you, Ghoul?” called Jet, stuffing a few more things into his backpack before putting it on and walking out, followed by Party and Kobra who were chatting quietly.

“Kobra, I’m pastel,” said Party, his eyes not moving from Ghoul, though he was talking to Kobra as they walked. In love. Something Party never thought he’d admit to. 

“Lemme guess, you can’t tell me with who?” said Kobra, trailing slightly behind Party.

“Not yet…” said Party. “I bet you have a guess but I want to know they’re comfortable with you guys knowing first.”

“I guess that’s thoughtful of you,” Kobra said with a small grin on his face. “I just hope the person treats you well because no one can hurt you and get away with it.”

Smiling, Party ruffled Kobra’s hair and said, “Aww, love you little bro.”

The border from Bat City into Zone 1 drew nearer and nearer until they had crossed. Ghoul lit a cigarette once they got out of the city and Route Guano, the main road in the zones drew near.

“Guys guys guys,” Party said, getting excited. “Can we head to Volt Central?” That was one of the most populated area in the zones. It was in Zone 2 and full of any party place you could ask for. Bars and clubs and strip joints and casinos lined every path and it was definitely the best place to go for a good time.

A questioning expression was on Jet’s face until he saw how excited the boys had all got. “Fine,” he said, letting out a soft chuckle. “You boys deserve some real fun anyway.”

Party and Ghoul both cheered as Kobra turned red and gave out a little laugh. Kobra had always been less into drinking and clubbing than Party had, very rarely getting drunk. And even if he did get drunk, he was always rather calm, unlike Party who was a rather loud and outrageous drunk. But Volt Central wasn’t purely for Killjoys, there were some workers who went by their birth names, but it wasn’t as good for business, especially in the brothels. There was something about Killjoys that was even more attractive to many people. Especially the names they’d go by. It was a bit odd, but a regular trend throughout Volt Central.

“It’s been some time since the last time I had a good beer,” Party said, quickening his pace. “This is gonna be nice.”

“Don’t get too drunk,” said Kobra, a bit quiet but loud enough to be heard. “I don’t want to be carting you around later.”

Laughing, Party just said, “You’ll have Jet to help you. I can’t confirm or deny what will or will not happen.” 

Chuckling softly, Kobra just murmured, “I hate you,” under his breath. The boys definitely were a giggly bunch as they continued, smiling and talking. Ghoul kept talking about how excited he was to see the girls at those strip joints but really, none of them had really seen a girl in that sense. The half-naked, dancey sense. At least, not that Party was aware of.

They could tell they were reaching the area when music started blaring. Buildings and hotels started populating the sides of the streets. Bright lights and screaming people became more and more regular as they made it right to the middle of the city. Volt Central. The people’s city. The city where the most attractive, best liars, and lightest drinkers were the few that made it out alive after staying over a week. 

“I’m home,” Party said with a sigh as he got slightly ahead of the others. “I’ll be down at one of the bars if you guys need me--”

“Uh, should he be supervised?” Jet muttered to Kobra, partially joking and partially actually meaning it. Party was well-known in the crew for his self-destructive tendencies and no one wanted him passing out with no one to find him or getting alcohol poisoning while he was there.

“Probably,” said Kobra. “I’ll watch him, you watch Ghoul,” he added quickly. “The two of them together is sort of a recipe for disaster.”

Jet laughed, agreeing before Kobra took off, shortly behind Party. He had always been more of the kind to hang in the back, never really coming forward unless they were in the midst of some sort of battle and he was actually needed. In conversations, he hanged towards the back or near Party. Even with friends he was pretty quiet and didn’t talk to much. The only person he was somewhat extroverted around was his brother, who he’d tease and laugh with.

“You don’t need to worry about me, Kobra,” Party said, one he started to get near a bar. “I can be responsible, I’m a big boy. I’m 23, maybe Ghoul needs some supervision being the stupid 19-year-old he is, but I’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but I don’t trust you to drink responsibly,” said Kobra, his hands in his pockets. “You never have and to be honest, I don’t think you ever will.”

“C’mon, you can’t think that low of me,” said Party, turning around and walking backwards to face his brother. He wasn’t wrong, but he didn’t want Kobra to feel he was like that. To feel he was irresponsible or had a drinking problem or just needed to be babysat in this kind of situation.

“I mean, I kinda do,” Kobra went on, sort of mumbling as if he didn’t want Party to hear him. “You drink too much when you do drink. Every single time you’ve been in the presence of alcohol, you’ve passed out. I need to watch you so you don’t go and die due to your bad decisions.”

“Kobra, c’mon.”

“I mean it, Party, I worry about you,” said Kobra. “I’m not leaving, okay? Jet has to watch Ghoul so I have to watch you.”

Party sighed, before turning back around and saying, “Fine. Point made, now let’s head down to one of those bars.”

So that’s what the brothers did. It was the first time in years Party had been in any sort of party building so when he got in, he could tell this place was meant to be some sort of club. He took Kobra’s arm and dragged him towards the bar area before ordering two beers for the two of them. Kobra stayed pretty quiet for the most part and was awfully hesitant about letting him go anywhere.

“C’mon, lemme have fun,” said Party as he finished his first beer and sent for another. “I can’t have fun just sitting here and drinking. I wanna go out, talk to people, dance.”

“Party, I’m not just letting you go off,” said Kobra. “I’m smarter than that. Something’s gonna happen to you.”

So Party got quiet again. Blaring lights and screaming people numbed Party’s senses as he continued to get more beers and slowly got drunk. He was tempted to just go away but he wasn’t so intoxicated yet. Eventually, a girl came up. She was barely wearing anything, just a really small red dress that barely extended onto her thighs. But she seemed to be here for Kobra.

“Hey hottie,” she said, her hands on his legs as she leaned forward so she was up really close to him. “You having fun?”

Seeming nervous, Kobra tried to lean back saying, “Y-yeah.”

“Well, I know how to make your night, babe,” she said. “I’m a dancer at the Rose Garden Club and it’s my day off… but I don’t take days off.” At this point, she was on Kobra’s lap and seemed to not be able to tell how uncomfortable he was. 

But Party took this as an opportunity. With Kobra distracted with this girl, he was able to sneak away unnoticed where he got with another group. The other group seemed really drunk as well, so rather than questioning Party, they bought him drinks and he was welcome to dance with them. He had ended up dancing with this one girl and though he didn’t end up getting her name (he had forgotten to ask, being so intoxicated) she sure was lovely. But they had danced for hours until they had gotten tired and he sat down with the beautiful girl near a wall away from her friends and the other club-goers.

“You a Killjoy?” she asked, panting after having danced with him for so long. “I am. The people I’m with, they’re in my crew.”

“Yeah, I am,” Party said, not too far gone yet, but had still drank enough to hardly be thinking straight. “I’m with my brother. He’s in my crew though.”

“Where’s everyone else?”

“I, uh--I don’t even know. Somewhere,”--a drunken laugh-- “But my brother came to watch me. Said I’m irresponsible.”  
“Where is he now?” she took a drink of whatever was in her glass and smoothed her black hair back. She really was such a beautiful specimen of a person.

“I dunno,” said Party, with another drunken giggle. “I ditched him when he was getting a lap dance from some stray dancer.”

She smiled, letting out a loud laugh. “You’re funny,” she said as she punched his arm. “I like you.”

Party laughed as well as he said, “You from Bat City?” His words were flowing together in the sense you could tell he had been drinking, but he was still thinking. Sort of.

“In a sense,” she started before going on. “The guys and I are sorta Tumbleweeds. We’ve been to the city though, it’s a mess.”

“Me and my crew, we’re Batt Rats,” said Party, still slightly slurring his words. “Always in the city, my friend and I are kinda being hunted by S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W.”

She laughed as she said, “Oh, we all are. It’s so easy to piss them off.”

He nodded. “You know Blade? He’s been trying to get me dead for so long. I’m pretty good at pissing him off.”

“You’re Party Poison, aren’t you?” she asked, taking another sip from her red solo cup. “I’ve seen your picture up around the desert. Took it down for you, we look out for our Killjoys.”

“Yeah, I am.”

But still, he didn’t bother asking her name, not thinking well enough to ask. But then after a few minutes he felt her arms around his chest. She had closed her eyes and seemed to be asleep. He accepted it, putting his arms around her as well until she opened her eyes and looked up at him saying, “Do you mind if I…”

“If you what?”

“Kiss you?”

The next morning, Party would feel guilty. He’ll know he should’ve thought of Ghoul but at the time he was too drunk. So he just said, “Not at all.”

She climbed onto his lap before lightly pressing their lips together. Her arms were suddenly around his shoulders and he had his wrapped around her waist. Before he could put up any guard, the kiss got passionate and she clutched his shirt and pushed him into the wall they were sitting near, her hands slowly moving up his neck and into his fairly long red hair. The kiss was long and continued until a familiar voice interrupted.

“Party?” 

Party broke the kiss almost immediately after he heard the voice. Looking up, he saw it was Kobra who seemed to have finally gotten away from that dancer. “Come with me,” he said, taking Party’s arm and dragging him away once the girl had gotten off his lap. He noticed her soft smile as he left and how her bright red lipstick was a bit smudged. He touched his lips, expecting some of it had come off on him but he couldn’t tell as Kobra dragged him from the building. 

“What is wrong with you?” Kobra said, dropping his arm as they stopped behind the building. The drunk had kinda started fading and Party was getting back to a sober state so he could sort of understand but at the same time, he was still really giggly.

“What do you mean?”

Kobra scoffed before going on, “What do you mean what do I mean? You just ditched me to go make out with some cute chick you ran into.”

“Well… kinda,” said Party. “Look, the point of tonight was to have fun. I had fun. You seemed like you had some fun, if you know what I mean.”

“Do you honestly think I enjoyed that?” Kobra said, obviously really angry. “To have some random dancer I’ve never even met just…. Just act like that. I can’t handle that kind of thing! I was halfway to an anxiety attack! You can’t just do that to me, Party! I’m your brother!”

“Kobra, it’s not like something happened to you,” said Party, crossing his arms and leaning against a wall they were standing by.

“But you can’t just leave me! You know how I am in this kind of situation,” Kobra went on. “What happened to you being my big brother? You doing everything in your power to protect me? What happened to that?”

“I--”

“Ever since you’ve been disappearing into that room with Ghoul every day you’ve just completely disregarded everything I’ve done. When Ghoul’s poster went up you were so worried but what would have happened if that was me? Would you have just let it go? That’s what it seems like you’d do. What’s so special about Ghoul anyway?”

“Ghoul, he--”

“Wait are you two…?” started Kobra before going on. “You are, aren’t you?” Party didn’t respond, just looking down guiltily as Kobra finished, “Oh my god, you are! What the hell?”

“Kobra, it’s my life and my relationships,” Party said, somewhat quietly. Party was really the only person he’d yell at and when he did…. Well he got mad and it was scary.

“You could have had the courtesy to tell me?” said Kobra. “What happened to me being the only person you trusted with when you carried a little torch for him? What happened to that?”

“Technically I told you,” said Party a bit silently. He had brought up how he had just felt in love but he didn’t say Ghoul’s name.

“Yeah, you mentioned you were pastel but I would have appreciated it if you told me it was the guy you’ve been drooling over for four years,” said Kobra. “You know what, this isn’t even what I’m mad about. It’s just fuel to the fire. But I hope you’re perfectly aware of what you’re becoming. You went from my best friend and now what are you? I’ll tell you, you’re a horrible brother and an awful person.”

“I’m--sorry,” Party said quietly, just wanting to get away. “Let’s find Ghoul and Jet. They’re probably close, I bet.”

Scoffing again, Kobra said, “Yeah, sure, let’s. They probably didn’t get too far.”

Party ran slightly ahead so it was the the typical with Kobra slightly behind him. The two didn’t really talk until they got to a fountain in the middle of the area. It gave a good view at most of most of the main bars and clubs. Kobra just sat on the ledge and waited until Jet came out, carrying Ghoul bridal style from a building. He had passed out. Jet went up to them, holding him and said, “We should check in at a hotel… Ghoul’s not getting anywhere tonight.”

“Yeah,” said Party, looking at his adorable sleeping face. And suddenly he thought of kissing that girl at the club.

Shit.

Kobra had found a hotel with two full beds available so they had to share. Once they had gotten in their rooms and settled, with Ghoul sound asleep on one bed, Kobra laid onto the other, facing away from Party. Party sat down on the same bed Ghoul was laying on and just muttered, “Good night,” as he saw Jet smile and lay down. He and Kobra had themselves as separate as possible, but when Party laid by Ghoul, he just took the smaller boy in his arms. The smaller boy who’s trust he had betrayed. But no, they weren’t in an official relationship and he had been drunk. Hopefully that would be enough if Ghoul were to ever find out.

“Party?” he heard Ghoul’s sleepy murmur as he wrapped his arms around him, eyes still closed. “That you?”

“Yeah,” whispered Party into his ear. “It’s me.” He was closer to Ghoul right now than he had ever been to a person. He could feel Ghoul’s warm breath on his chest and how he had just cuddled into his arms. Party laid his head on the boy’s shoulder as Ghoul silently went on, opening his eyes.

“What happened tonight?”

“I don’t know… you were with Jet and you drank a lot and I guess you passed out.”

Ghoul giggled softly, looking up at Party as he said, “What about with you?”

“I don’t even know,” said Party. “I… I made some stupid choices after one too many beers… Kobra and I got in a fight….”

“It’s fine though, right?” came Ghoul’s sleepy murmur. His hazel eyes were almost shut. He seemed to not have fully sobered up yet as he said, “Cuz you guys are brothers?”

“I really don’t know,” muttered Party, feeling tears well up in his eyes thinking about it. He couldn’t cry, he wouldn't. Not now, when Ghoul was half asleep and he was still a bit drunk. So he went on, saying, “We… we’ve never had a falling out like this before. He seems like really really mad…. I don’t want to stop having him in my life because I made some dumbass choices.”

“Tell him that if you’re really worried,” muttered Ghoul finally after a few minutes of simple silence and cuddling in close to Party’s chest. “You guys love each other, right? He won’t stay mad forever.”

At that he felt Ghoul drift off again, asleep holding Party. It was good advice for a partially drunk, mentally asleep person but Party just kept thinking. One thing he had always been great at was quickly snapping out of his drunken mindset and regretting everything and that was what was happening now. What he was really worried about though, was how badly did he affect Kobra? In the past, it was Party’s duty to talk him out of doing something stupid, to grab his raygun when it was at his temples or to rip the pill bottle from his hands when it was at his mouth… but with him angry, what if he got bad again? What if he attempted something this time and there was no one to stop him? What if Party lost him because he couldn’t keep himself in check. If that were to happen, Party would never be able to forgive himself.

And then there was Ghoul… beautiful, amazing, incredible Ghoul. Who he good as betrayed by kissing that girl… he hadn’t been thinking and just let it happen and let it get passionate. Who knows how far it would’ve gone if it weren’t for Kobra? Ghoul didn’t deserve this, he didn’t deserve Ghoul. So as he had his arms wrapped around the boy, curled up in his arms, sleeping and safe… what would happen if he woke up? Party’s only real thing to say was they weren’t officially in a relationship. It was more of they’d kiss and cuddle but they technically weren’t together, so to speak. Hopefully (if he ever found out) he’d understand. He squeezed Ghoul tight in his arms and kissed his forehead. 

And though it was something he never thought he’d say to someone, he’d never make himself this vulnerable for anyone. Except for Ghoul, though he was asleep. That’s what encouraged Party to speak as he whispered softly into Ghoul’s ear, “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a tough one to write..... but as usual, please leave feedback!! I hope you enjoy it, so much happens!!  
> And who do you think that girl was meant to be?? I had someone relevant in mind when writing her, I wanna know if you guys got it.


	8. Tell Me Where We Go From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: vivid memories of a suicide attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***PLEASE READ***  
> In the next few chapters, characters remembering, thinking about, and considering suicide becomes a minor theme. If you are sensitive to topics like this, please read this chapter and the next few with caution. Specific trigger warnings will be placed over chapters.

The pill bottle shaking in anxious hands and Gerard could hear it from outside the door. He was knocking the door hard, banging it loudly and screaming. “Mikey, let me in!” he screamed. He was in a state of utter panic, his little brother was trying to kill himself. The kid would rather die than keep going, let things get better. After struggling through something really similar himself, Gerard couldn’t let that happen to his kid brother. This was the only thought in his mind as he hit the door loudly, screaming and in angry tears as he kept hitting the bathroom door. “Mikey, open the door! Open the damn door!”

He heard the bottle shaking more but then he heard it drop and Gerard got silent. No, he hadn’t… he didn’t… but did  he? “No! No, Mikey!” he shouted, tears in his eyes. He was only 14, he deserved to live but he couldn’t see that. Was he dead?

The door opened. Thank God, Mikey was alive. He had tears streaming down his face and Gerard glanced behind him at the spilled pill bottle behind him. He hugged his brother tight, sobbing now as he squeezed him. “Stay alive, please. I love you Mikey, I fucking love you, I don’t want you dead.”

Hugging back, Mikey was sobbing now too. “I… I love you too, Gee…. I’m here, I’m alive. I hate seeing you cry.”

“If you hate seeing me cry, you wouldn’t be trying to lodge a bottle of pills in your throat,” Gerard said, angry but just glad he was alive. But he wasn’t mad at Mikey for being depressed… more of angry at him for thinking he was alone. Thinking he didn’t have his big brother, who would listen to any word he said and dedicate his life to making sure he was okay. But having had almost the same experience, he knew just how it felt. It just sucked he couldn’t protect the person he cared about the most from this horrible mindset.

“I’m sorry, Gee,” said Mikey, crying into his brother’s shoulder. “I--I shouldn’t have scared you like that.”

“Damn right you shouldn’t have!” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Mikey sobbed, hugging his brother tight.

“Don’t apologize,” said Gerard, rubbing his brother’s back as his voice softened. “It’s… it’s not your fault. Things are bad, things are hard. But don’t you dare think you’re alone. Never think you have nobody. You will always have me.”

_ You will always have me. _

He had meant it then.

But this scared little teenager was still there.

This scared little teenager just wanted his big brother to tell him things would be okay.

But would he?

* * *

Party shot up, waking up hyperventilating in a cold sweat. That was a recurring nightmare he had, brought on by the exact memory of the first time Kobra had tried to kill himself. He hated thinking about it, especially now when he thought that it was possible Kobra would be in this situation again, but this time with no one to stop him or let him know he was okay…

“Party?” said Jet, who was awake looking over at him. Party looked around and saw that Ghoul had also stirred a bit from Party just throwing himself up like that and Kobra was still sound asleep. But Jet continued, “Party, you okay? What happened?”

“No-nothing,” he said, quietly. “Just had a nightmare. I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Jet, I’m fine,” he said, his breathing calming. He looked over to the side where Kobra was sleeping, soundly and looking quite peaceful. Was he having the same nightmares, despite his state? Did he worry about Party the way Party worried about him. These were thoughts he couldn’t bring himself to ponder as he laid back where Ghoul had opened his eyes for a second before getting back to sleep. This time it was Ghoul who had wrapped around Party and he glanced up at Jet who was watching Party, his worried expression fading into a grin when he saw Ghoul cuddle into him.

But rather than getting back to sleep, Party ran his fingers through Ghoul’s hair and he just laid, not getting up until he felt Ghoul stir again and open his eyes, smiling. “Good morning,” he said softly, gazing into Party’s eyes. 

“You feeling hungover?” said Jet once he heard Ghoul’s voice. “I have pain medicine if you are, cuz we’re not staying here another day.”

“A bit,” came Ghoul, getting up. Party looked and saw that Kobra had gotten up since he originally woke up and was getting his bag together, so he got up as well. As he stood, he heard Ghoul groan and say loudly, “Yeah, never mind, it’s a lot. You got that medicine? My head’s officially trying to kill me.”

As the boys prepared to leave, Party took a risky glance at Kobra before saying to Jet, “Kobra figured this out last night, so I thought I’d tell you, Jet… if you haven't already guessed. Ghoul and I are together-ish? We’ve kissed a few times and we’ve been like…. Cuddling I guess.”

Jet smiled before saying, “I thought that much. Ever since you started disappearing with Ghoul, I kinda assumed. You’re happy about it though?”

“Yeah.”

“Then it’s a good thing.”

Party bit his lip and leaned in so he could whisper to Jet, “Kobra’s not too happy about it…. I mean, not about me and Ghoul. He’s upset I didn’t tell him. It’s not just that, he’s…. He’s just really mad at me and I don’t think he’ll go anywhere near me so… can you look out for him for me?”

“Of course,” said Jet. “Look out for him how?”

Party sighed quietly, saying, “Make sure things don’t get bad again. I’m worried things are gonna be bad while he’s pissed and he’s--he’ll try to kill himself again and he’ll succeed cuz I won’t be stopping him. Please make sure he doesn’t.”

“Kobra’s like a brother to me,” Jet said. “I’ll try to keep him alive.”

“Thanks.”

Leaving the building, Party just pondered his thoughts, his horrible, horrible thoughts. Everytime he glanced at Kobra, the boy was looking at the ground, looking rather angry, but that was just his face. He didn’t say anything to him, scared he’d be snapped at again. But he needed to fix things or else he was so sure something awful would happen.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I barely remember last night. I got so drunk!” Ghoul said, laughing as he walked (practically skipping) ahead of everyone. This kid was hungover and he was still somehow perky and jumping around. Party didn’t know how he did it, his hangover was bearable but he still wasn’t feeling great enough to be laughing and skipping.

“I can recall a bit,” Kobra said, his arms crossed with the smallest glance at Party. Guilt flooded him and he looked at his brother before Kobra looked away to prevent eye contact. 

“Last night was… a mess,” said Party, going off what Kobra said once he managed to snap himself out of that for a second. “For me at least. I wish I drank more so I could forget it.”

“At least Kobra kept you in check,” Jet said, sighing. “I can’t even get Ghoul to drink responsibly when he’s with me.”

“Jet Star, you’re perfectly aware nothing I do is done responsibly,” said Ghoul, giggling. 

“You’re so peppy during your hangovers,” said Party, with a small chuckle. “So giggly. What did you take last night?”

“I don’t know but I want more.”

“No!” Jet said quickly. “No more alcohol for him. He’s a very…… extravagant drunk. I am not going through that again.”

Laughing, the boys walked through the rest of Zone 2 and were in Zone 3 by midday. But something felt off…. It looked just like it should, but Party was getting a feeling, a complicated and confusing feeling. Almost as if--

“Do you guys feel like we’re being watched?” said Kobra, his bag slung over one shoulder with the neck of his guitar sticking out. Everyone tried to convince him not to take his bass, saying it would be too heavy or too big--but he didn’t listen and insisted. It was true he would always be silently plucking something in the corner, which gave him reason to really bring it.

“You’re right,” said Jet, starting to anxiously look around. “Hopefully we’re not being followed. We should keep going. For a little bit longer at least… the closer we are to the Zone 4 border, the harder it is for anyone with the information on our chips to track us.”

“Good idea,” murmured Ghoul, significantly less enthusiastic. The heat was nothing short of scorching today. Usually the desert was hot, but this was a new extreme. The blaring sun had been on them all day, causing beads of sweat trailing down Party’s face more often than he could wipe them away.

Ghoul went up next to Party and glanced at him, squinting his eyes while walking. His expression turned to a soft smile and he took his hand and wiped sweat from Party’s brow. “You’re so sweaty,” he said with the smallest giggle.

Grinning back, Party lightly ran his thumb across Ghoul’s cheek before saying, “Yeah, it’s kinda gross. Apparently I have overactive sweat glands so I’m always sticky and gross.”

“It’s still adorable though,” Ghoul said, planting the smallest peck on Party’s lips, standing on his toes to reach him.

Blushing with a soft, vulnerable smile, Party immediately changed his expression, looking away as he said, “God, you’re gonna make me sweat more, little bitch.” Ghoul giggled again in response and Party’s blush grew. His laugh, oh, his goddamn laugh. It was the sweetest sound he’d ever hear and something he looked forward to hearing every day. And then there was the fact that no matter what part of Party it was, Ghoul found him beautiful. Even his damn overactive sweat glands and sweaty, greasy, grimy face. It made him feel so good to have Ghoul near him, someone who was in awe of everything he did…. Someone who he actually believed when he complimented him.

“I wanna kiss you,” said Ghoul, taking Party’s hand and clutching it tight. 

“And who’s stopping you?” joked Party, lightly and playfully nudging into the boy. 

“Walking and making out aren’t the best combination in the world.”

“True.”

After the laughter died, Party looked back to where Kobra was walking. He had his sunglasses on now, still looking down and it seemed that Jet was trying to talk to him. Kobra was somewhat participating in the conversation. He seemed anxious, maybe still upset about their fight. He couldn’t hear what he and Jet were talking about though, so he carried on talking and laughing with Ghoul.

After about an hour, the sun had started to set and Jet said, “We should set up soon. Before it gets too dark, at least.”

So they did. They found a place fairly close and it made sense to stop and set up their bags. Jet spent about 15 minutes with Ghoul trying to get a fire started, but once it got going, Ghoul jad taken Party’s arm and took him over so Party could lay on his chest as everyone warmed up. It could get so cold at night. Kobra had gotten out his bass and though he was a bit isolated from the others, he was playing something the boys managed to hear.

“Kobra, that sounds really nice,” said Party, partially as an attempt to get his brother to talk to him “It’s pretty.”

“Thanks,” was all he muttered in response. A start. But then he looked up and said quietly, “Do you guys really think we’re being followed? You think someone’s hunting us down?”

“I hope not,” Jet said. “Hopefully it’s just an… an impulse and we’re wrong and we’ll be okay. I bet it’ll be fine.”

“And even if we are, it’s pretty hard to take us on,” said Ghoul, with a smile. “It’s hard to fight us off, if I do say so myself.”

The boys all laughed and Party said, “I’m not letting anyone near you guys anyway. You guys mean the world to me.”

“Aw, stop making me blush,” Ghoul said as the boys all softly laughed. All except Kobra, who’s face remained in a slightly upset expression. “You’re so sappy.”

“You know, let’s pretend it’s like it was thirteen years ago,” said Jet. “Let’s pretend… Better Living hasn’t taken over yet and we’re still kids and we’re all happy… Let’s pretend we’re on a camping trip with our families. My dad would take me and my brother camping all the time.”

“That would be nice,” said Party. “If only that was really true.”

“Hey, we’re roughing it at night with a fire and we’re sleeping on the ground,” said Ghoul. “It pretty much is camping.”

Everyone was smiling now, small laughs from all the boys, even Kobra now. Camping sounded better than what they were actually facing but with reality, an early death was inevitable. You were lucky to live past 30. So they might as well make the most of it while they were still alive because it was the only thing they could really do.

Party glanced up at Ghoul, who was holding him and running his fingers through his hair. “How much of last night do you remember? After we got into the hotel.”

“Not much at all…” said Ghoul, his hands tangled in Party’s mess of crimson hair. “I remember falling asleep in your arms…. And that’s really where it goes blank.”

“Well, I guess I mentioned how Kobra and I had gotten in this huge fight…” Party said, quietly since he saw Kobra was still awake, though Jet had passed out. “How I’m scared I won’t have him in my life anymore since I made some bad choices.”

“It’s that serious?” Ghoul said, seeming fairly surprised. “I assumed something happened because you two didn’t talk at all but… really? You okay?”

“I don’t know,” said Party. “He was mad… mad as hell. Last night while you were drunk and half asleep… you told me that we loved each other. He won’t stay mad forever because we’re brothers and we love each other.”

“Drunk me is wise as fuck,” said Ghoul, with a grin. “But that’s true. I’ve seen you guys, you two care about each other so much. You jump into any argument with Kobra since you know he’ll panic and you know exactly what he’d say. He hears someone even bring up hurting you and he goes into a full on rampage. I’ve never seen closer siblings.”

“I can’t lose him,” whispered Party, trying so hard not to burst out sobbing. “He’s just so important to me. My baby brother. I care about him more than I care about myself and he thinks I don’t… I can barely stand that.”

“You just… you just gotta give him some time to cool off. Then apologize and you’ll hug it out and there, you’re good again.”

Party smiled and chuckled softly before closing his eyes. Ghoul said he only remembered falling asleep in Party’s arms…….. Did he by any chance hear what happened directly after? Did he by any chance hear Party make himself more vulnerable than he ever had been before.

Did he hear Parry whisper ‘I love you,’? Part of him really wanted him to remember and for him to say it back. That part of him wanted to say it again and again, ‘I love you Fun Ghoul, I love you.’ But another part of Party wanted to stay quiet. Was he ready to give that to Ghoul? Was he ready to give Ghoul part of himself he had never given to anyone else in his life?

He heard Ghoul’s steady breath and got the impression he was asleep. Party was overthinking it. They had barely been ‘together’ for a month and even so, they weren’t officially ‘together.’ Did he actually know whether it was love or just a little long-time crush acting up. He sure hoped it was love, because in this moment, all he wanted was to just spend all his time with Ghoul. Forever.

* * *

“Party, Ghoul, you guys get up,” Kobra’s voice came in the morning. The two slowly opened their eyes, tangled in each other’s arms before starting to stand.

The sun had just started to come up as Ghoul groaned and said, “Jet, why’re we leaving now? It’s barely dawn and I was having a good time with Party.”

“You’re such a whiny little bitch,” said Jet in response, a smile on his face as he stood with his arms crossed and bookbag on. 

“Funny, Party called me a little bitch yesterday too,” Ghoul said, with a yawn. “Did we finally find something we all agree on?”

“Shut up, idiot,” Party muttered as he grabbed his bag to prepare to go. He hoped the heat was less intense today. It would be nice for Party to not sweat his body weight daily.

“You don’t want me too.”

Party laughed as Ghoul pressed a kiss to his temples, needing to stand up on his toes a bit to reach it. They had finished packing their stuff and as they got ready to leave, they heard a shuffle in the vegetation near them. They all stopped, looking around a bit but then there was a shot. A raygun shot and they knew someone was there.

“Come on out and fight us yourself!” Jet said, taking his gun out of his bag.

Party, Ghoul, and Kobra all took out theirs as well all preparing to go full on war mode as a person ran out from the grass. A Killjoy man with a shaved head came out, aiming at them as he said, “Just stand still and I’ll make it a quick, easy death.”

“You’re not taking any lives today,” Ghoul said, shooting at him. Backup came for the man with the shaved head and the boys were outnumbered. The four all spread out and ray gunshots were shooting every which way.

This wasn’t what any of them were expecting, to just get attacked the moment they were ready to leave. Party was trapped in a panicked state, looking from to each of his friends to make sure they weren’t getting overpowered. He shot at a short blonde girl until she tried to shoot, but her gun had ran out of charges. She looked at Party, seemingly begging for mercy so he decided to let her go and she ran back, likely where the group had come from. He then looked over and saw Ghoul had gotten someone in the leg, knocking them down and someone had ran to grab the guy who had fallen. Ghoul looked over at Party grinning and ran over.

“Outnumbered but taking them down!” he shouted, excited as he got near Party.

But Party wasn’t able to smile in response. He looked around and saw Jet and Kobra were still getting mercilessly shot at and Kobra was surrounded. From what Party was able to get from his face, he was overwhelmed and struggling. He was shooting every which way, fast so he wouldn’t get hit. Party needed to help him. He looked at Ghoul and put a hand on his shoulder as he said,

“Hey Ghoul, just in case I don’t make it out of this alive--” he kissed Ghoul lightly on the lips before taking a deep breath and saying, “I love you.”

Party then ran to his brother, leaving Ghoul to stand there confused with a shocked expression. “Wait, Party--” he started, but Party had already gone. He managed to get in with Kobra, helping the kid take on the people surrounding him. Relief was obvious on Kobra’s face, obviously so glad someone had come. 

But then a guy got Kobra alone. Backing him into a wall with his gun aiming at his chest and when Party saw, he ran to him. But the moment Party made it in front of Kobra was when the man shot his gun and the ray came, piercing Party’s side. He fell to his knees and saw the guy who shot him look shocked and run back, the few people who were left slowly stopped when they saw Party was it. Almost as if the reason they were sent was to kill Party.

Kobra ran to him immediately, putting his hand over Party’s wound to stop the blood flow. “Oh god, Party--”

“I’ll be okay kid, don’t worry,” Party said, his eyes closing and almost immediately passing out.

Jet and Ghoul ran over the moment they noticed. Jet rummaged through his bag for a second before he took out medical wrap and kneeled down next to him. He removed Party’s jacket and shirt and saw the ray had angled in the skin like ray gun wounds usually did. The skin where it hit was charred and black, smelling like smoke. The skin that wasn’t charred around the wound was a red as if his skin had been sunburnt and peeling. It was hot to the touch as Jet prompted Kobra to try to hold up his body so he could wrap it.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Ghoul said, going up to them and kneeling next to Party’s head. He touched Party’s cheek before grabbing his right wrist to check pulse. After around 30 seconds of that, he sighed in relief as he said, “Oh, thank god. He’s alive.”

“I don’t know if it hit an organ or something though,” said Jet as he tied off the bandage. “If it’s just through his skin and fat tissue, it’ll take a bit, but he’ll heal. But I can’t fix a pierced organ.”

“Please be okay,” Ghoul whispered, still holding Party’s wrist as he held his knuckles to his lips and kissed it softly.

Jet looked over at Kobra who’s eyes were just wide in shock. His breath seemed choppy and uneven as he looked at his brother’s unconscious body. “Hey, you okay?” 

Kobra just shook his head, looking horrified as he sat on the side of his older brother, unsure of what was to come for him.


	9. Without You Is How I Disappear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: characters consider and briefly talk about suicide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are in for an emotional trainwreck with this one..... bring tissues!!

It was so hard for Kobra not to resort back to his old, self-destructive habits. He was always at a constant battle with himself, nights he’d be the only one left awake with his eyes on a blade, trying so hard to fight the urge to grab it and draw blood. Or to take his gun to his head and just end it all. This was Kobra’s constant daily battle, but now he was fighting it alone. It had been a few days since Party had gotten shot but the boys had set up a (rather large) tent they had gotten from a nearby convenience store to keep Party’s body safe in. Ghoul could stand up in it, but Jet and Kobra had to bend a little. Kobra had sat outside with his back facing the guys, shaking and quietly sobbing as he fought the urge to grab his gun and just shoot himself.

“Hey Kobra? You okay?” said Jet, walking over in Kobra’s direction. He went up and put his hands on Kobra’s shoulders.

Taking in a painful gulp, Kobra shook his head. “I left things on a really really sour note,” he said quietly. “I told you about how mad I was at him…”

“And now you regret it?” said Jet, rubbing Kobra’s shoulders. “It’ll be okay.”

“The last thing I told him was that he was an awful brother,” said Kobra, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I said he was an awful person. I shouldn’t have said it, he’s neither of those things. He’s the best brother I could have and he’s an incredible, genuine person but I was mad and… and now I may never get to make it up to him… how is he?”

“As of now, he’s alive,” said Jet. “I keep having to change his wraps, but he’s alive. Ghoul is with him now, you wanna go see him?”

Kobra nodded as he followed Jet. Maybe he’d be unconscious, but Kobra needed to see his brother. Jet took him into the tent Party was laying and his face just seemed so… tense when Kobra saw it. His shirt was still off, likely so nothing that could make the wound worse would get into it and it was heavily bandaged. Somehow he kept bleeding right through it and that was what worried Kobra the most. He was so pale, did that mean he’d be dying of blood loss sometime soon from all the bleeding? It was unlikely, but Kobra’s paranoid mind jumped all over the place.

Ghoul was on his knees, right next to Party. He was clutching one of his hands with tears streaming down his face. Kobra and Jet, they had never even seen Ghoul cry. They didn’t think Party had either so this must have meant that Party really was very important to him. Kobra looked back at Jet who was wiping his own eyes. He was trying so hard to stay strong for Ghoul and Kobra, to not just break down… but Party was his friend too and Kobra knew this was hard for him. Harder than he got credit for.

“You know he was worried about you,” said Ghoul when he noticed Kobra. “He’d tell me how even though you guys fought, he was scared. He thought you’d do something to yourself and he wouldn’t be able to stop you. He cares about you so much.”

“I shouldn’t have gotten so mad,” muttered Kobra. “I don’t want him to… I don’t want him to die before I can make it up to him.”

“Right before he went off to you…” continued Ghoul. “He… he told me if he didn’t make it out alive, he loved me. He said ‘I love you,’ Kobra. I didn’t get to say it back, he just ran to you….. I never got to tell him I love him.”

“We both have regrets,” murmured Kobra, pushing hair out of Party’s pale, comatose face. “I just hope he wakes up.”

“You and I both.”

In the back, Jet said with a low and quiet voice, “He’s in a pretty good condition now. His body just isn’t… it isn’t strong enough I guess, to bring back consciousness.”

“I can’t stand seeing him like this,” said Ghoul. “And knowing that if he was just a little more careful, he could be in my arms…”

“He saved my life,” Kobra whispered, through tears. “I would've gotten hit, but even though I had said… said that complete bullshit, he saved my life.”

“I don’t think the shot would’ve even killed you,” Ghoul said, bitterness clear in his voice. “At the worst, something like this would have happened. You’d have been fine. He ran in front of the goddamn ray gun flare so you would stay untouched!”

“Ghoul, calm down,” said Jet, noticing Ghoul’s temper start to rise. He had a notoriously outrageous temper and especially when he got mad, he got violent and he seemed to be heating up quite a bit.

“I’m not gonna fucking calm down!” said Ghoul, his voice raised before he looked back at Kobra. “You know how much you hurt him? A lot, he was fucking broken cuz that’s how much he cares about you. And he still didn’t want to see you hurt. And now because you’re so…. just so careless, look at where we’re at now! No way around it anymore, is there?”

“Ghoul, this isn’t Kobra’s fault--”

“You shut up.”--to Jet and then back to Kobra-- “You’re damn lucky to have him as your brother. He was kind and genuine and sassy when he needed to be and you threw that all away because you got pissed at him one night. This could all have been avoided if you just talked to him about it!”

“Tell me how talking would’ve helped!” said Kobra, raising his voice now. “You think I’d honestly do anything that’d jeopardize him, no matter how mad I am? I know what he’s like when I’m in danger, he puts himself in the situation instead. I wouldn’t try to hurt him!”

“If you had just talked to him maybe you’d have been together when we got attacked,” said Ghoul. “Maybe he wouldn’t have had to run to get you out and maybe he’d be okay right now.”

“Ghoul!” Jet said, going up to him and putting his hands on his shoulders. “It’s not Kobra’s fault. Party made the choice to protect him. You need to calm down.”

“How am I supposed to calm down?” shouted Ghoul, pushing Jet off him violently. “I love him and now he might die without me being able to tell him! I didn’t think it was possible for me to even love someone, especially this quickly. And now I love someone and it hurts. It hurts, Jet.”

“We are all hurt!” said Jet, Kobra just sitting behind him with tears in his eyes, truly believing Ghoul was right. Jet went on, “Maybe you’re in more pain than I am but you cannot say it’s worse than Kobra’s. Maybe he was mad, but have you even really seen Kobra since Party got hurt? They’re brothers, don’t even blame him when you see how completely broken he is.”

“I just want to be able to tell him I love him!” shouted Ghoul, before falling to his knees, obviously upset. His voice quieted, sounding absolutely filled with intense pain and sadness as he said, “That’s all I want. Before he goes.”

“He’s alive…” said Kobra quietly, his voice raw as he glanced over at Ghoul. “He’s alive now… and in good condition. Maybe that means he’ll wake up.”

Ghoul took Party’s hand and pressed his lips to his wrist as he said, “Please,” quietly, barely above a whisper. 

Jet looked over at Kobra, still with a pained gaze at his brother’s limp body with his mouth slightly dropped. “Kobra, you want some time alone?” Kobra nodded, barely able to speak as Jet tapped Ghoul’s shoulder and said, “C’mon, let’s give him a bit.”

Ghoul stood up, following Jet out as Kobra kneeled next to his brother and managed to force some words out, “Hey Party,” he started, quietly. “I really miss you. Like, a lot. Even before, when I was mad, I missed talking to you… you’re the only person who can make me laugh when I’m particularly down like I’ve been. I thought I’d lost you but you really just found someone and I shouldn’t have acted the way I did. I’m so sorry,” --a couple seconds of silence-- “I just couldn’t stand the thought of being without you and I just cracked. And….  and now I really am without you.” Kobra sighed, looking at Party’s face. It would’ve at least been nice for him to at least look at peace, but he looked tense and stressed. Kobra didn’t like seeing him like this.

“You probably can’t hear me,” he continued, lightly touching his arm. “But if you can, please wake up. I need you, you’re my brother. Ghoul needs you, he loves you. Jet needs you, he can’t keep trying to stay strong for us. You’re our leader, we all need you. Wake up please, come back to us. Do it for Ghoul if that’s enough convincing for you.”

Party didn’t stir, not like Kobra was expecting him too. He rubbed his forearm with his thumb before leaving and just sitting down against the tent, laying his arms and crying.

* * *

Ghoul was just angry since everything happened. He wanted to hit someone, just get out all his frustration and misery. He had finally found someone he really loved and that person was just ripped away from him. He’d never cry, especially in front of his friends but he couldn’t stop the angry tears, quickly rolling down his face. Was it too much to ask to be able to kiss Party again and feel his hands grabbing at his jacket and back? To lay down with Party in his arms and feel his lover just nuzzle his head into his neck? To see his beautiful smile, grinning at him just happy to be together?

Apparently it was.

Apparently it was because Party was laying, unconscious in a tent with a ray gun wound heavily bandaged on his side. He looked in pain which didn’t ease Ghoul’s mind whatsoever, even more worried. Party didn’t deserve to suffer, he deserved to be happy and alive and okay… if, no when he woke up Ghoul was determined to protect him to an extreme extent. He needed to keep him safe.

“Ghoul, I know this all hurts but it is not okay for you to go blaming Kobra for this,” said Jet, getting near Ghoul. When he was mad, he didn’t think. Ghoul would make bad decisions and had made some pretty undesirable enemies through just being bitter and petty. Jet continued, adding, “Kobra is Party’s little brother and best friend. You’ve seen how much they love and care about each other. Kobra did nothing but defend himself, Party alone decided he needed to step in.”

Grunting in frustration, Ghoul said, “I know, I’m just upset. It’s so much easier if I can place the blame on anyone except Party, even if it is the person he cares about the most. I want him in my life, Jet.”

“We all do.”

“I just wanna kiss him,” muttered Ghoul. “He’s such a good kisser… and his lips are so soft somehow, even in the middle of the desert when mine are all dry and cracked. I want to run my fingers through his hair with his hands on my back. I don’t even need to be kissing him, I just need to be near him. To see his smile and hear his voice and cuddle with him.”

Jet’s expression softened and he seemed less angry, rubbing Ghoul’s shoulder. “This is a lot, isn’t it? You’re 19 and you’ve already experienced so much and lost so much. But you’ll make it, Fun Ghoul. I know you will. You can be vulnerable around me.”

And at that, for the first time since he was nine-years-old, Ghoul couldn’t take it anymore. He just burst into tears into Jet’s arms. “I know we’ve barely been together…” Ghoul said through sobs, “but I really really love him.”

“I believe you,” said Jet, hugging him tightly. “You must love him a lot if he makes you cry. Especially like this.”

“I don’t even understand how much I love him,” continued Ghoul, still sobbing. “But more than I love my own life, that’s for sure. I don’t wanna be alive if it’s not with him.”

“He’ll survive, Ghoul. I promise.”

Ghoul got up, rubbing his eyes fiercely, suddenly becoming extremely uncomfortable. Jet had just seen him cry. Jet had just seen a side of him no one currently living had ever seen. “I’m sorry about all that,” he said quietly, turning slightly away to break eye contact.

“It’s fine, you couldn’t hold it in anymore,” Jet said softly. “I think if you’re gonna talk to anyone about this, you should talk to Kobra. I’m sure both of you are hurting more than I am. Kobra’s his brother and you’re his…” 

Of course he didn’t know what word to use, they weren’t ‘dating’ technically, but they did seem in love. “I like to refer to myself as his lover,” Ghoul said, not very loud at all.

“His lover,” Jet said, his voice soft. “That sounds nice. But I stand by my words, you should go talk to Kobra about it. I think he definitely needs it.”

Jet motioned over to where Kobra was sitting outside of Party’s tent, his head in his arms, sobbing. He needed someone to comfort him, tell him everything would be alright and Party was really the only person who could do that, but Ghoul could provide a shoulder to cry on. Maybe they’d relate to each other’s pain and maybe they’d help each other get through it.

“Hey kid,” Ghoul said softly as he approached Kobra. Though he was almost a year younger than Kobra, he was always the baby of the group. The one everyone protected. He looked up when he heard Ghoul’s voice with tears streaming down his cheeks. “You okay?” Ghoul continued, sitting down by him.

Kobra nodded, wiping his eyes but not saying anything. Ghoul sat down next to him and said, “You’re not, I know you’re not. Look, I’m so sorry I said it was your fault, it’s not. I was--I was mad and said something stupid. I just really don’t want to believe it was his own free will that took him away from me… But it’s only because I’m hurting too. I can talk to you if you’re willing.”

“This all hurts,” Kobra started, his voice low and pained. “It hurts like hell. I want my brother.”

“It’s painful to see him like this,” said Ghoul, staring forward with a blank expression. “So weak… so vulnerable.”

“That’s the worst part of it all,” muttered Kobra. “I’ve seen him weak, I’ve seen him vulnerable. I’ve seen him in states he’s never shown anybody else. I’ve seen him depressed and just hanging onto life… but the difference is he could always put his guard up. He doesn’t have that ability now.”

“We’re all being exposed to a side of him he didn’t want us to see.”

“Exactly. And then I don’t know if things were getting bad again because he didn’t talk to me about it… he gets like that when he’s really suicidal. Puts himself in these outrageous, deadly situations.”

“He didn’t tell me anything either,” said Ghoul. “And I love him so fucking much but he doesn’t know that cuz I’m too much of a goddamn coward to admit it.”

“I never once thought Party would tell someone he loved them before you said he told you,” said Kobra. “Obviously we love each other, we’re siblings but he told me meaningfully I think twice… both times after I tried to…”

Kobra trailed off, but Ghoul knew what he meant. Each of the members of the crew were aware he was suicidal. It was a hard topic for him though, especially now that the person who stopped him could very well be on his deathbed. But Ghoul knew he had attempted suicide once, not twice. It was in the crew, two years earlier and he was all alone after having been temporarily kidnapped and held for ransom by another desert crew. They had tortured him physically and mentally and since the three had to pay pretty much everything they had left to get him back, he felt like such a burden he had just shot himself in the leg without thinking. When was this other time? Though he wondered, that didn’t matter now. It was definitely not a topic any of them wanted to talk about.

“He was worried about you, kid,” said Ghoul softly, his voice suddenly airy and high. “Didn’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I can’t see why he cares so much,” Kobra murmured. “I’ve never done anything but drag him and you guys down. “I’d be better off dead. I’d understand saving you….. But why me?”

“Kobra, he’s dedicated so much of himself to protecting you. You’re his greatest weakness, that’s what he told Noir.” 

“But what about you? You mean so much to him.”

“Kid, all this is new. Why would he risk himself on what might not last when he has someone like you, who he’s been with for most of his life and isn’t going away anytime soon?”

“I shouldn’t have brought this up.”

Ghoul put a hand on Kobra’s shoulder and looked him in the eyes as he said, “No, I’m glad you did. I wish you understood how loved you are. By all of us, not just Party. You are in no way better off dead.”

“I wish I could believe that,” said Kobra, continuing with, “I thought about what you were saying and you’re right. All this is my fault. Party would be okay now if not for me.”

“Shut up, shut up, shut up,” Ghoul said. “I was mad. You know how pissed Party would’ve been if he heard me? He would have dropped my ass quicker than anything. He… he made the choice. It’s so hard to blame him, you know? I was looking to find someone other than him who was responsible and because I was….. mad and not thinking, I said you.”

“Let-let’s talk about you. I don’t wanna think about myself,” Kobra insisted. Ghoul didn’t want Kobra to feel that way but he wasn’t gonna force the boy to talk. If he needed time with his thoughts, that’s what he needed and Ghoul wasn’t about to take that away. Kobra went on, “You really love him, don’t you?”

“I do, I really do,” said Ghoul. “I wish I would have told him. Put my hand on his cheek and said, ‘I love you too,’ before he ran off. But I’m scared. To say it to his face. God, I miss him.”

“He’s an incredible person,” said Kobra. “I think we all didn’t realize how important he was to us until now.”

Jet was right. They did relate to each other’s pain, in a sense. Ghoul’s pain was romantic and Kobra’s was brotherly, but for both of them, they were terrified and they missed him like hell. And all this pain would just go on and on and on until maybe Party woke up. But until then, they mourned.

Why him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this one was not easy to write whatsoever.... I hate seeing Kobra in pain, I love him so muchhh  
> Hope you enjoyed it!!


	10. So Long & Goodnight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY!!! I saw a play last night and forgot to edit/update. This is a bit late and I am so so so sorry--I'm publishing an extra chapter Sunday at midnight if I remember too because I'll be out of town the following week so keep updated for that.

Two weeks. That’s how long Party was laying unconscious, his body supposedly healing the best it could. But Kobra didn’t believe it, Kobra didn’t believe he’d ever be getting his brother back. They weren’t moving until Party could and everyone had been horribly quiet. A piece of them all had been missing since Party had been gone and the group just felt… incomplete. It was the strangest thing how empty they all felt without Party. Things had gotten so bad, Kobra became reckless, much like Party would get when depressed. He’d throw himself in danger, just really wanting to die at this point. It was so hard for him.

_ You’ll always have me. _

That’s what Party had said the first time Kobra had tried to kill himself. And Kobra genuinely believed whenever something was wrong, he’d be able to go to Party and everything would be okay. As they hugged and Party comforted him, he had hope he’d be okay because he had his big brother. But he didn’t have his big brother now. And he wasn’t okay.

_ Godammit, you can’t keep scaring me like this. _

That’s what Party said the second time Kobra tried to kill himself. When he had been laying on the ground in a pool of his blood, his leg bleeding violently, He had wanted to just let himself bleed out, but Party had come to find him the moment he heard the gunshot, panicking and calling Jet in immediately. The only time Jet and Ghoul had seen Party cry was that day when he hugged his brother and promised everything would be okay…

But who would Kobra be scaring if he tried it again? If anything, he’d be lifting a burden from the shoulders of Jet and Ghoul. Technically, it would be helpful.

So with thoughts in mind, Kobra had told the guys he was going to buy some food from a nearby convenience store where he got some snacks and then stopped where over-the-counter drug section. There weren’t very many, mostly painkillers. Ah, sleeping pills. Kobra grabbed a few bottles before checking out and heading back. After BL-Ind took over, most over the counter drugs started becoming lethal. There were tons of overdose reports from even a bit too much and nobody really knew why. But would he do it? He didn’t know. He’d keep the pills with him just in case he decided to. Walking back, Kobra had put the three bottles in his own bag so Jet or Ghoul wouldn’t notice and say anything. He wasn’t even sure if he’d actually…

But Kobra didn’t want to think about that. He walked back to the camp, looking down and not even making eye contact with his friends when he approached them. “I’m back,” was all he said, rather quiet when he walked into camp. “I’m gonna go… I’m gonna go see Party, okay?”

Jet looked up from the book he was paging through, smiling when he saw Kobra and saying, “Go ahead. He’s been doing better.”

“You think he’s waking up anytime soon?” said Kobra, clutching his own bag as he put the store bags down. 

“I’m not so sure,” Jet went on, his smile fading slightly. “I clean the wound everyday and it looks like it’s starting to heal.”

A fake smile, as Kobra said, “That-that’s good enough.”

He walked over to where Party’s tent was and he stopped when he heard speaking through it. A soft voice, Ghoul’s, in pain.

“And if you can hear me…” he said with a sniff. “I want you to know how much I care about you. And that there will never be anyone else. And I regret not stopping you and keeping you safe.” His words slowly got more choked as he continued, “I just want to hold you in my arms again and see you smile at me when you see me… hear you laugh at the stupid, stupid things I say,”--a pained laugh-- “I wanna feel your velvety lips and your hands on me… I want to feel the pure happiness I felt every time I saw your face. Your face was always so full of life. How could that just be gone?

It was a sweet sentiment. But it made Kobra, in a sense feel worse. Was it his fault these lovers were separated? These guys who had finally found someone not of blood to look at and give their love too.

“Ghoul?” Kobra said, walking into the tent and bending down next to his brother.

“Oh, hi Kobra,” said Ghoul. “You been back long?”

“No, I only just got back.”

“You wanna be alone with him? I just was for a long time.”

“Thanks,” muttered Kobra. Ghoul seemed a bit hesitant to leave the room, kissing Party’s knuckles before he left, looking back. Once he was sure Ghoul was gone though, Kobra completely broke down. “It’s getting to be so hard to go on without you,” started Kobra through sobs. “I miss you so much Party, I don’t want to live without you. I don’t know how much longer I can force myself to stay alive. I need you here…”

He calmed himself down a little bit before going on, “You… you’ve given me so much strength since I was 12 when everything started going downhill. You’ve stopped me from doing some dumb things and I’m grateful but… I can’t keep going, I just can’t. Maybe you’ll wake up soon and maybe you’ll forgive me someday but for now, I can’t go on much longer. I just can’t. I know what you’d say, ‘It’s not an escape.’ That the only thing I’m doing is… is taking away the possibility of things getting better. I know. I’m not looking for a way out. I’m not looking for an escape. I don’t think that it’s the only way to relieve myself I just… being in a world without you is impossible. I have no will to live anymore.”

And at that he got up and left, taking a final glance at Party and squeezing his hand one more time before he took his bag and went back to an area he couldn’t be seen.

* * *

“You know where Kobra is?” asked Ghoul after a couple hours had passed. He had heard the very beginning of what he was saying to Party and he didn’t want to intrude at the time, but he really was concerned. The kid had been lost without Party and he really seemed like he needed to talk to someone.

“I think he went back behind Party’s tent,” said Jet. “Why?”

“I’m worried about him,” said Ghoul. “I heard him talking to Party and it sounds like he wants to do something to himself.”

“What was he saying?”

“That it’s… it’s so hard to keep going, pretty much.”

“Party asked me to protect him,” said Jet, suddenly seeming rather anxious. “But he would never open up. He wouldn’t to anybody except Party.”

“I-I’ll check behind Party’s tent,” Ghoul said. He immediately went to the boy’s tent, it seeming fairly empty except for a few empty pill bottles scattered around the area. They were likely old, so Ghoul didn’t think anything of it. They had all been taking a lot of pills to help them sleep since this all started. As Ghoul started to leave, he heard Jet call,

“Hey Ghoul, c’mere. He’s in still Party’s tent.”

So Ghoul went out and went back to Party’s tent where Kobra was. “Kid, you okay?” was all he said when he saw him, sitting Party’s side.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” said Kobra, not looking at Ghoul. He was clutching his older brother’s hand and staring at his face. The expression had relaxed slightly, but that scared everyone even more. Did it mean he was dying?

“I don’t know,” said Ghoul. “Just with how hard everything’s been on us”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure.”

“Mm hmm.”

Everyone was quiet for a bit. Just staring at Party’s still body, everyone upset. No one was expecting what came next. Party stirred slightly, causing everyone to jump and his eyes slowly fluttered open. He could barely open his eyes but nonetheless, he said with his voice raw, “Wha-what happened?”

And everyone’s jaws dropped. Kobra was sobbing suddenly, uncontrollably and Ghoul’s hands flew to his mouth. Jet had his arms wrapped around Kobra and said as Party sat back up, “You saved Kobra’s life. You’ve been in a coma for a bit now.”

“I-I have? I guess I kind of remember getting hit… I remember…” he looked at Ghoul, blushing soft pink as he said, “I remember telling you I love you.”

“I love you too, I love you so fucking much,” Ghoul said, immediately jumping in for a kiss right on the lips. “I thought I’d never get to tell you.”

After the kiss broke, Party just held Ghoul tight until he glanced at Kobra, sobbing. He kissed Ghoul’s shoulder before the hug broke and Party opened his arms for Jet and Kobra. He hugged the two, saying, “How’ve you guys been?”

“Not good at all,” said Jet. “We all need you. The Fabulous Four doesn’t function without our leader.”

“Aw, your leader, I’m blushing.”

“You really are though,” said Jer. “We’re lost without you.”

Party smiled, patting Kobra’s back, when the boy’s sobs just didn’t seem to stop. “Hey kid, how’re you doing?”

“I’m so sorry, Party,” said Kobra through sobs. “For getting so mad and for…. And for….”

“For what?”

Kobra pulled away, looking at Party with dreary, tear-filled eyes. His breathing was labored and shallow. Party’s eyes widened, seemingly aware of what Party meant as he simply fell to the ground and Party freaked out.

“Jet, get something! We need to make him throw up,” said Party, managing to get Kobra laying on his lap. “Sleeping pills again?”

Kobra weakly nodded and Party yelled again. “Jet, grab something. He overdosed!”

“O-okay,” said Jet, starting to leave. “Party, don’t overexert yourself.”

“Wait, what’s going on?” asked Ghoul, seeing Party rub his brother’s arm, a look of fear in his eyes.

“He tried to overdose,” said Party. Looking back at his brother, he said, “What did I tell you about scaring me like this, kid? I don’t wanna lose you.”

“The pill bottles,” said Ghoul quietly. “He had pill bottles in an area behind your tent--I thought they were old--”

“Well, he tried to kill himself again.”

Jet ran back in with a bottle in his hands. “Here, sit him up.” Party managed to get Kobra sitting up straight as Jet said, “Hey, Kobra? I need you to drink this, okay? It’s not gonna taste the best, but you’ll be able to throw up the medicine.”

Kobra nodded and Jet put the bottle to the boy’s mouth and helped him drink it. “Here, I’ll help you,” Jet continued, helping Kobra to his feet so he could take him outside. Within a few minutes of Kobra being taken outside, they heard violent retching and vomiting noises. The poor kid…

“This--this should help,” said Party. “How’s he been while I’ve been…… gone?”

“He didn’t seem too good,” said Ghoul. “He spent a lot of time with you. Cried a lot, but we all did. He really needs you, Party.”

“We need each other,” said Party. “It’s always been that way for us. Something happens to one, the other gets overwhelmed and can’t take it. We’re a both or none situation.”

“You two have a sweet relationship,” said Ghoul. “But Party? Party, I don’t think I’ve ever regretted something more than not telling you I loved you.”

“I mean, I don’t think I was surprised you didn’t say it back,” said Party. “It was heat of the moment. I thought I was gonna die and I needed to say it before I died.”

“Just know I really…. really…. love you too,” said Ghoul. “Believe me.”

“You don’t know how happy I am to hear that,” Party said. Ghoul went in for a small kiss an gave Party a light peck on the lips. 

For a couple minutes, the two just sat in silence with Party resting his head on Ghoul’s shoulder. That’s when Jet lugged Kobra back in the room and softly placed him down, saying, “He’s exhausted. Party, I thought you’d want to look after him.”

“You know me well,” said Party, looking at his brother, asleep. “How about all of you sleep in here tonight? There’s room and I just want all you guys here with me.”

Jet and Ghoul looked at each other and smiled as Jet said, “Ghoul, be careful with him. I know you’re excited he’s back, but take it slow, he’s still got the wound.”

“I will, I will, don’t worry,” said Ghoul smiling, wrapping around Party from behind though the two were still sitting up. He laid his head in the crook of Party’s neck as he noticed him glancing at Kobra, asleep next to them.

“The poor kid,” muttered Party. “I just want him to feel loved for once. That’s all.”

“Third time?” Ghoul asked. He didn’t want to say it, but Party knew what he was implying.

Nodding, Party finally laid down and cuddled in close to Ghoul, who was so happy to have him back. He kissed Party’s forehead as the two of them slowly drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for this being a poorly edited shitshow--I just felt bad that I completely forgot so I rushed it out!!


	11. I Am Not Afraid to Keep On Living

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING** suicidal thought, longing for death

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, a Sunday chapter. I'll be irregular this summer but please read this for a bit of a schedule:  
> I'll be at a camp all week so no Friday update. I think I get back Friday so I'll try to post Saturday at midnight but I might not make that.  
> Then I'll be at a wedding so I won't be able to update and I'll try to do a Sunday at midnight update if I'm back. Not so sure when I'll be back, so it might be best to just sign up for notifications or something for now so you're more likely to see my horrible schedule  
> Thanks for sticking with me!
> 
> UPDATE PLEASE READ:  
> I will not be at the camp so Friday will have a update

It was the next morning when Party woke up in Ghoul’s arms. He was facing him, seeing Ghoul’s peaceful, sleeping face and smiling. He wasn’t the first awake, he saw Jet preparing something in a corner of the tent.

“Morning, Jet Star,” said Party. “What’s that?”

“I gotta check your wound again,” said Jet, looking up at Party. “I have to everyday to be safe, but also so I can check the progress of healing. Gotta clean it and wrap it again.”

“You think I’m almost better?” Party said, putting a hand on the wrapped wound.

“Yeah, it’s closed up a lot,” said Jet. “You’re not really bleeding anymore, but it was still a bit tender when I checked yesterday. It might hurt, I don’t know, you haven't exactly been conscious when I’ve been working on it.”

Smiling, Party said, “I’m tough, I can handle it.”

“Baby…” he heard Ghoul mutter in a sleepy voice, still laying down. “Come back to sleep.” His eyes still weren’t open and he had grabbed Party’s arm.

“I’m up,” said Party. “You wanna get up too?”

Ghoul shook his head eyes still closed as he turned around. Party chuckled, ruffling the smaller boy’s hair before looking to Jet and saying, “There is no one in this world that can make Ghoul a morning person.”

Jet laughed, coming towards Party and saying, “Okay, c’mon, let’s clean it.”

Party moved into a more open space and laid down so Jet could unwrap the bandages on his naked chest. The wound was still rather nasty to look at, Party’s skin shiny and pink and he jumped when Jet touched it. There was a slight char on some of the skin and it was not very attractive at all.

“Sorry,” Jet said when Party jumped. He took a wet cloth and dabbed at the wound, it stinging slightly when Jet touched it. He then took bandages and wrapped it again. “You can put a shirt on if you want,” Jet said when he finished.

“Yeah, I’m gonna,” said Party going over to where his stuff was in the corner. He went through his bag until he found a shirt to put on. He had always been a bit self-conscious, always having been a bit chubby. He’d especially feel bad when he compared himself to Kobra and how skinny he had always been, it didn’t feel good. He hated knowing they had all seen his bare chest. Yes, at this point in his life he had lost quite a bit of weight but he still hated how he looked. He constantly felt disgusting and was in a constant state of hatred for his appearance.

Party went over to Kobra once he had put the plain white t-shirt on and sat down next to him. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna end up in a coma too.”

“I don’t think he will,” said Jet, putting the stuff back. “He threw everything up. He’s just exhausted from like never sleeping while you were gone and then the fact he puked his guts out yesterday. That stuff, it’s pretty strong.”

“The kid doesn’t seem to be having the best week.”

“No, not at all.”

At that was when Kobra woke up, rubbing his eyes, looking miserable and sick. “Party?” he said quietly when he saw his brother looking at him.

“You had a rough night, kid,” Party said.

“You shouldn’t be up,” said Kobra, seeming slightly concerned. “You should be resting. To get your strength back.”

“I’m fine, Kobra,” said Party. “I appreciate your concern, but right now, you’re my main worry. You tried to kill yourself again. This is the third time.”

Kobra sat up, not looking Party in the eyes as he said, “It had been two weeks. I lost hope.”

“Well, look what happened,” said Party, his voice sounding slightly on-edge. “I’m back. You know perfectly well that it’s not a way out! Things will get better if you let them.”

“I knew you’d say that.”

“Then why’d you do it?”

“I was scared, okay?” said Kobra, his voice slightly shaky. “I-I had completely lost my will to live without you and I wanted to tell you I was sorry for everything. For yelling at you, for not trying to fix things, for everything. I thought I’d never get to make it up to you.”

“First off, all that was purely my fault and don’t even deny it because you know,” started Party, looking at Kobra intensely. He hated seeing the kid so upset, his voice stern as he went on, “And if you did end up dying, you’d never have gotten too.”

“I just couldn’t stand that.”

Party looked at his brother who’s eyes were tearing up. He hugged his brother tightly as he said, “Kobra, I care about you more than I care about anything.”

“What about Ghoul?” Kobra said, hugging him back his head rested on his brother’s shoulder.

“Look, I love Ghoul a lot,” Party said, breaking the hug and putting his hands on Kobra’s shoulders. “But we might not last forever. Someday maybe Ghoul and I will fall out of love one day. I really don’t want that to happen and I don’t know what I’d do if it did but you’re my only brother. I can get another person like Ghoul even though I don’t know how exactly, but I can’t get another little brother. I love Ghoul, but you know what, Kobra? I love you more.”

Kobra smiled softly at that, saying, “I’m sorry. I won’t scare you like that anymore. I-I promise.”

“I swear to god, you better mean it this time,” Party said. “I’m not letting anything happen to you, kid.”

“Th-thanks, Party,” said Kobra. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. You know I’d never hurt you, right?”

“That’s what I like to believe.”

Party took a last smile at his brother before going back over to Ghoul and slightly picking him up so he could lay on his lap. He ran his fingers through Ghoul’s hair and heard him sigh before he opened his eyes lightly and smiled at Party.

“Baby,” Ghoul muttered, looking up at Party, not getting up from his lap.

“I like it when you call me that,” said Party, smiling. “Especially when you say it in that cute ass sleepy voice. I’m so in love with you.”

Ghoul sat up and kissed Party softly on the lips, laying his head on Party’s shoulder, his eyes barely opened. “You’re so beautiful,” whispered Ghoul, closing is eyes in the crook of Party’s neck.

“Don’t fall back asleep,” said Party, shaking his shoulder to get him awake. “You’re adorable asleep, but you gotta stay awake.”

“Just a few more minutes,” Ghoul said quietly, closing his eyes. Party couldn’t resist letting him sleep, the way his face would scrunch up a little bit and he’d get all close to him and cuddly. Of course he let him sleep.

“You’re really pastel, aren’t you?” said Kobra softly, when he saw Party brush hair from Ghoul’s face and kiss him on the forehead.

“You think?” piped in Jet before Party responded. “The only time you saw him cry was over Party and then look at Party. They’re pastel, for sure.”

Party smiled, looking back at the beautiful boy’s sleeping face. “I really am, aren’t I? I’ve never loved someone in this way before. I want it to last forever.”

“That’s cute,” said Jet. “You two are the stuff of legends, you know, it’s hard enough to find love in this world but you guys did it. And young too.”

“I’m just glad to see you’re happy,” said Kobra. “I’ve put you through so much, I’m really just glad you found Ghoul to help get away from that.”

“Kobra,” said Party, looking him right in the eyes. “You. Are. Not. A. Burden. I wish you’d understand that.”

Kobra shrugged. “All you guys are in this constant struggle because of me.”

Jet and Party shared a look, hating how Kobra seemed to look at himself. “Kobra,” Party said again. He moved Ghoul from his shoulder and put him back down before walking back down by Kobra and putting his hands back on his shoulders. “You’re not at all a burden. You don’t cause us to struggle, nothing is your fault. We all love you.”

Kobra didn’t say anything. He looked away from Party but he took his brother’s face in both hands and looked at him. “Kobra, we need you. I need you. You’re so important to me and Jet and Ghoul. I need you alive, you’re my baby brother. I say that all the time, but I can’t imagine living without you.”

“I just… you’re back and I love you but I don’t want to be alive,” said Kobra, still not making eye contact. “I really, really just want to be dead.”

Party just wrapped his arms around Kobra and leaned his head on his brother’s shoulder. “I hate you being like this,” muttered Party. “I hate it that you just can’t take in how you’re so important to me. I get it, I’m the same way but I hate seeing someone I care about so much….. feel like this. You’re about to give me a damn breakdown.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it, I want you to stop apologizing, okay?” said Party, getting up and wiping his eyes. The only time anyone their had seen Party cry was when it surrounded Kobra, he cared about him so much. “Can you stay alive for me at the least? Cuz I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

This was about when Ghoul had woke up again, originally blindly reaching around, trying to find Party until he opened his eyes and Party and Kobra were crying and Jet looked worried as hell. “What did I miss?” he asked, looking confused as he sat up.

“My baby brother wants to die,” Party said, leaning his head back on Kobra’s shoulder. Kobra put one hand on his back, tears in his eyes and looking as if he was fighting so hard not to cry.

“Kobra-” Ghoul said, his eyes widening at the boy. “But last night… I thought you didn’t wanna die anymore once Party woke up.”

Kobra shook his head. “So did I. But it’s back and it’s worse than before.”

“I mean, I’m not a psychologist or anything, but I know I’ll do whatever it takes to help you,” Jet said, offering a small smile.

“So will I,” said Ghoul.

Party tilted his head from the side, not picking it up from Kobra’s shoulder as he said, “You have all three of us supporting you. Show us how strong you are, show us you aren’t afraid to keep on living. Even if you are, show us you’re strong enough, Kobra. I know how hard it is, when everything first started like eight or nine years ago, remember I was in your place? Maybe everything with you would happen because you watched me decay and it affected you badly and I really hope that’s not the case. But you know what I do know? You’re a helluva lot stronger than I was at 15 when I got bad. You’re even stronger than me now, I can barely stand something small opening old wounds and you’ve gone through that and more. You’re so fucking strong and you deserve recognition for that, kid.”

“Party, I tried to die. Three times.”

“And your point? I’m sure everyone here wanted to die at some point in their life. But you’re strong because you’re still here. You know, maybe you almost didn’t make it, but you still did. Three times. You can’t say you’re not incredibly strong, that’s like calling a former addict weak cuz they slipped a few times. You also slipped a few times. But you keep working to get better like that addict. Which makes you one of the strongest of us.”

Kobra pulled Party into a hug, squeezing him tight. “You see why I can’t live without you?” Party rubbed Kobra’s back softly, tears lightly falling to his cheeks as Kobra went on, “I shouldn’t have called you an awful brother, you’re really not.”

“I’m not gonna deny that I am though,” said Party. “You had a point, I can be pretty awful.”

“You heard what you just said, right?” said Kobra. “You’re what’s keeping me alive, Party.”

Ghoul and Jet shared a glance with each other. It seemed as if they felt they were intruding on a sentimental sibling moment. But Kobra and Party weren’t telling them to go, so they kinda sat, silent and awkward watching Party and Kobra in a tight embrace with Party just glad Kobra was alright. “At least something’s keeping you alive.”

Party broke the hug, looking back at his brother with his eyes wide as he looked at him. “Look, long story short, stay alive, please. Love you a lot. You’re not a burden.”

Kobra smiled at him. “I have more to say but I think I’m done being sad for now.”

“We can talk later, kid,” said Party, patting his shoulder before walking back to Ghoul and draping himself over the boy in his arms.

Kobra’s smile faltered slightly, but it came back when he looked at Ghoul and said, “Thank you for loving him. He needs it.”

“Of course,” said Ghoul, his arms around Party’s stomach as he continued, “I can’t imagine loving anyone else.”

It was a couple hours later when the boys had decided they wanted to head back. Everyone seemed strong enough to leave and they didn’t want to risk something happening to Ghoul or Jet, so they just started back. Party had walked up to Kobra as he was finishing up and said, “I said we could talk later. How’s now sound?”

“Great,” Kobra said, putting away his bass and looking over. “I know you don’t want me to apologize, but there’s so much I need to apologize for. I shouldn’t have gotten so pissed about Ghoul. He makes you happy and I want you to be happy… I think I was just already mad and I wanted to be someone you trusted. I hated thinking maybe Ghoul was at a higher place than me in that sense. It sounds awful and I’m so sorry, I just want you happy.”

“It’s fine, I told you,” said Party. “I get it. You were mad and I am aware it’s my fault. I was a huge douche and you had every single right to get so angry. Me being drunk was no excuse at all.”

“I guess the reality of you potentially being gone… it really made me think,” said Kobra. “What if you had died and I never got to apologize? What if _I_ had died and never got to apologize? If the last thing I got to say to you was how you were awful, I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself.”

“Well, you don’t need to worry about that anymore,” said Party. “We’re both alive and we’re not mad at each other anymore. It’s all okay now. Remember when I was 15? I was in the darkest place I think I’ve ever been in right at 15.”

“I don’t like to think about it.”

“Understandable. But remember how miserable I was? I felt like I was disappointing you and because I was actually incompetent, you were 12-years-old and you got me out of that. I looked at you and I knew I had a reason to live. This little kid I cared about so much, this kid I couldn’t leave alone, by himself. You’re still that kid. Everyday you give me a reason to stay alive.”

“I-I keep you alive? Even still? With Ghoul?” asked Kobra, seeming a bit surprised and it made Party feel terrible. Was this just his horribly low self-esteem talking or was he really so just infatuated with Ghoul, Kobra couldn’t believe he still cared? He really hoped not. There was no worse feeling for him than thinking he made his brother want to die.

“Of course even with Ghoul,” said Party. “You know this. Maybe I love Ghoul, you’re right about that. But you know what you’re wrong about? That he means more to me than you. God, having to choose who means more to me kills me, but it’s you, you all the way. You’ve been the focus of my life for so long and don’t you think that’s changing anytime soon.”

“I hate that I’m making you say all this just to keep me okay.”

“It’s worth it if I don’t have to see your lifeless body on the ground anytime soon.”

“I just hate it because you mean so much to me, too. You’ve risked everything you have and more to keep me safe and I want to stay alive for you, I really do. But I can barely do that much.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” said Party, softly with a small smile, trying to comfort his brother. “It’s fine. You’re getting there and I believe in you. Just keep working and you’ll get there.”

Kobra tried to smile, but instead said, “We should go now, we’re holding everyone up.”


	12. If the World Starts Believing, I'll Keep Believing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly no chapter next week since I have a wedding to go to but enjoy this and I promise to be back the week after that!!

It had taken about two days, but eventually they had made it back to Battery City. They had returned, not wanting to get into any more trouble they weren’t under protection from. Party had tried to pay even closer attention to Kobra lately, even if he had promised he wouldn’t try anything again. He had said that before but that didn’t seem to stop recent events. He had always been near him, talking to him a lot, hoping that he’d feel loved. Party needed him to be okay. Eventually, Party had been sitting next to Ghoul, their fingers intertwined, the two of them talking softly. Ghoul softly kissed Party, brushing his red hair out of his face as he just grinned. 

“It’s been a bit since we had a moment like this,” Ghoul murmured, squeezing Party’s hand. And he was right. With Party getting shot and the just mess of it all, Party was glad they had time to just do this now that they were back.

“It’s great,” Party said, blushing. “But you know, I hate that you keep going out. I don’t want you to get caught, I don’t want you to leave me.”

“Party, I’m cautious,” assured Ghoul.

“But you’re not. I’m worried someone’s gonna catch you.”

Ghoul kissed Party softly again, rubbing his thumb across Party’s wrist. “I don’t wanna worry you, baby. But at the same time, I’m not gonna stop going out. How about I just promise to be careful?”

“Fine,” said Party, in a soft whisper with their lips almost touching. They separated a bit more with Party saying, “Have you seen Jet or Kobra’s pictures up yet?”

“Not yet, no,” Ghoul said. “I know Kobra’s on the Bat City radar, not necessarily Better Living’s. Since he pirated those old movies to sell a few years ago.”

“He was 16, they weren’t about to arrest this skinny little teenager,” said Party, remembering this clear. Four years ago, the boys had just gotten together and they needed some carbons (little pieces of plastic used for trade around Bat City and the zones) so Kobra had found out how to copy and sell a ton of old movies. When he got caught, they threatened to arrest him if he went out of line again, but they could obviously see the kid wouldn’t do too well in prison. It was a good laugh for everyone.

“Jet’s just a little angel and has only ever stolen a bit of food. He’d always go back and leave what he owes in the following weeks too,” added Party. “I don’t know how he does it.”

“He’s a lot more morally stable than the rest of us,” joked Ghoul, giggling slightly. Then his voice lowered a bit when he said, “Can I tell you something?”

“You can tell me anything.”

“You know, I don’t think I’ll make it to 30.”

Suddenly alarmed, Party looked at Ghoul and squeezed his hand again. “Wait, what? Why? What’s wrong? Are you planning too…” And at that, he trailed off. It was scary to think maybe Ghoul was going through what Kobra was or what he had as a teenager. He was already scared enough about him getting killed, he didn’t want him to want to die on top of that.

“No, that’s not what it is,” continued Ghoul, placing his free hand on Party’s cheek and lightly stroking it. “I think I’m gonna get killed. I guess you’re right about me being reckless. Sometimes I don’t think before I do something dangerous. S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W’s gonna get me eventually.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” said Party, taking his hand from Ghoul’s and instead placing it on top of the hand resting on his cheek. “You really think I’d let Korse or any of his goons touch any of you guys?”

“But if I were to go out someday…” said Ghoul quietly. “Alone. And if Korse were to get ahold of me… and no one knew what had happened…”

“Then I’d stop at nothing to find you and bring you back to me.”

“I love you so much,” muttered Ghoul. But right as he had gone in for another kiss, Jet had come into the room. For the past few days he had been frantically around the city, desperately trying to get down any sign for Party and Ghoul he saw. 

“Sorry to interrupt, but you remember Noir? She’s back,” said Jet, his arms crossed, him even seeming slightly annoyed with it.

Party rolled his eyes. “Do I have too? I’d rather not be stuck with her. I’m with Ghoul and I want it to stay that way.”

“She insists. Again,” Jet continued. “Wouldn’t leave me alone until I said I’d get you. Trust me, I tried to tell her off.”

Loudly groaning, Party got up. “Fine,” he said, giving Ghoul one last peck on the cheek before he followed Jet out to where the raven haired girl was waiting. She looked anxious, tapping her foot vigorously with her arms crossed. The moment she saw Party she went up to him quickly, her eyes big as she said,

“Did you just get back from the zones?”

Narrowing his eyes slightly, wondering why this was something she needed to know, Party said, “Yeah… we only got to Zone 3, but I guess so.” 

“Shit...” she said, turning around. “You guys got attacked?”

“Why are you asking him?” said Jet, looking like he wanted to punch her. The attack in the desert wasn’t a good time for any of them and none of them wanted to relive that moment. Party, he just didn’t want to relive the time after. “He doesn’t need to te--”

“Did I ask you?” she said, shooting a glare at Jet when he had tried to defend his friend. “Party, did you guys get attacked when you were in the desert?”

“Yes!” said Party, starting to get heated as well. “And it’s not something I want to think about, okay? Why do you care?”

“I know who did it,” said Noir, crossing her arms again. “I know how it all happened. I hacked into your chip when you were gone and saw everything but it cut out once you hit Zone 3’s border…”

“You saw everything?”

“Everything. Now Jet, if you could go? I have some private business I’d like to discuss with Party here.” Jet didn’t leave, standing his ground with his arms folded, leaving Noir to scowl and repeat, “It’s private business. Okay?”

At that, Jet rolled his eyes and left, leaving Party to say, “What do you want? You know I don’t want to associate with you.”

“That’s not what it is,” she said. “You see, nobody died during the attack. That wasn’t the point, you know. Someone was supposed to die.”

“What?”

“One of you four was supposed to die and you all got out alive,” said Noir. “The person who organized everything, he’s pissed. He wants to kill you. You need to watch your back.”

“Who organized everything?”

“Who wants you dead right now more than anything?”

“Blade?”

Noir nodded. “You need to be careful. He’s after you.”

“Do you know if he wants to slip Jet and Kobra?” asked Party, starting to feel slightly frantic himself. 

“I don’t think so,” Noir went on. “Probably soon so they should look out too. But you need to watch your back, he wants you dead.”

“I-I need to go,” Party said. He left, turning around and walking back to where the boys were. The three were chatting together, but Party walked over and just collapsed next to Ghoul, laying his head on his shoulder.

“He’s after me,” Party said quietly. “Blade’s after me. Noir said he wants to kill me.”

“How do you know she was telling the truth?” said Ghoul, immediately wrapping his arm around the boy and pulling him close. He lightly kissed his forehead as Party laid his head on Ghoul’s chest, curled up next to him.

“I don’t know, I’m just scared,” said Party. “I don’t want to have to keep hiding.”

“Do you think we should relocate to the desert? Permanently?” asked Jet, who seemed concerned for Party. “Not as many S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W people work there.”

“Either way we’re risking a ton,” Kobra said. 

“I don’t want to force you guys, we just got back,” said Party. “For now… for now we’ll stay.” He got up out of Ghoul’s arms and wiped his sopping eyes as he finished, “I’m not here to bring you guys down.”

Jet looked at him with sympathy, starting, “Party, it’s really fi--”

“No, it’s not,” said Party. “That’s not who I am and I’ve been doing it all too much lately. And you guys all deserve better.”

And that’s how Party honestly felt. He was bringing the guys down and this wasn’t him. He was supposed to be the sassy one, the easygoing one, the fun-loving one, but that hadn’t exactly been happening. For whatever reason, since they had come back originally from the desert and Blade had gotten mad, he had felt like everything was off. Nothing was working the way it should’ve and he was upset about it. So his wall had started to come down again and Party had caught it before it was too late. He wasn’t letting anybody see that side of him and Kobra especially didn’t deserve to be taken back to that dark place in both their lives. 

So later that night, Party was sitting near the room with the big open window he and Ghoul would spend time in. The sunset was gorgeous and Party sighed as he watched the red-orange sun sink into a blanket of soft pinks and blues. After a bit, he caught the smell of cigarettes and turned around where Ghoul was standing against the doorway with one in his mouth.

“Ghoul,” Party greeted him, his voice quiet as he went back to gazing at the sunset.

Ghoul came over and nudged Party over a bit so he could sit by him on the window ledge. “C’mere,” he said as he sat, taking Party back so he was laying in his arms. He took the cigarette out of his mouth and blew out a puff of smoke before putting it back in the corner of his mouth.

“You know, it’s okay to be vulnerable,” said Ghoul, rubbing Party’s arm. He hadn’t worn his classic blue jacket since he got hit, sporting only a plain white t-shirt. He nonetheless leaned into Ghoul as he continued, “That’s what I learned while you were….. away. I’d look at you and it’d hurt and if I didn’t cry, it would have completely absorbed me.”

“I can’t be vulnerable,” muttered Party. Nobody seemed to understand that vulnerability wasn’t something Party let himself feel. Even if he wanted others to be vulnerable around him and if he genuinely believed it was powerful, he couldn’t let himself. He needed to be the strongest so he could protect everyone the best he could. He had only shown this side of him to the boys twice now, both times after Kobra had hurt himself and he hated it. He felt weak, he felt helpless and he hated feeling like that.

“Why not? Tell me why you’re the only human being who isn’t allowed to be vulnerable.”

“It’s not that I can’t, I guess it’s just that I don’t want too,” he said softly. “I hate feeling weak… or thinking I’m making Kobra worse or thinking I’m dragging you guys down with me.”

“Party Poison, you will never, not ever, drag me down,” said Ghoul, his voice sounding real. Finally, something real. His eyes looked determined and he squeezed Party’s arm as he said that. “I just hope you know that. I hope you know that I will always be here to listen and will always do anything in my power to keep you happy. That’s how much you mean to me.”

Party grinned slightly before softly continuing, “You know… you know how I have body image issues?” 

“Yeah.”

“Well, I didn’t realize I was shirtless until Jet said he needed to check my bandages. I was shirtless the entire time I was out…. I had thought about that and I really just hate you all had to see me like that for so long.”

“Party, I know you don’t realize how beautiful you are, but I do so just for one moment…” Ghoul took Party’s hand and intertwined their fingers, kissing Party’s hand lightly. “Think about how you see yourself and then how you see me. How do you see me?”

Party grinned softly as he said, “You’re kind and you’re funny and you care about me and you’re just absolutely stunning… I love all your tattoos and your lip ring scar and I love your messy-ass hair and how small your hands are, how they fit so perfectly in mine. How your lips feel like feathers and how intense it is when you kiss me. I love the way you hold my body close to yours if we’re laying together and I love the way you hold me when we kiss and how you rub my side. I love how you tease me all day and give me... just everything when we’re alone. I love everything about you.”

Ghoul smiled big, giggling softly saying. “Now you wanna know how I see you?” When Party nodded, Ghoul started, saying, “You always know just what to say and you can make me smile no matter what situation I’m in. You comfort me and hold me when I’m upset and you always know how to make me happy. I love your face in general, especially your smile, the way it lights up the room and how you smile into every kiss. How you grip by back and my hair when we kiss and how you care about all of us so much. I love how your voice sounds when you’re nervous and it gets all high and nasally. How you’re so close with your brother and how you care about him, and me and Jet so much. I love how perfect we are together…. Party, you see that? You know I see myself as useless and mean and ugly but you describe me like that… it makes my day. That’s how you feel too, I bet.”

“Ghoul, I love you so much,” Party said, turning around so he could kiss him. The kiss was meant to be short and sweet, but it went on. Went on until Ghoul decided it was time to reach the next level. Standing up, Ghoul took Party with him and took him back to the ground, ever-so-slightly violently. Now Ghoul was on top of him, kissing him deeply as he stripped his vest off.

“You know what I want, gorgeous,” said Ghoul, starting to slowly take off the boy’s shirt. But at that, Party stopped him and broke the kiss,

“No, not here, not now…’ said Party. “It’s a special moment for us and that’s how I want it to feel. Nothing against just making out here though.”

Ghoul smiled, leaning back down and continuing the kiss as long as he could drag it out. Once he pulled away, Party sat up, Ghoul on his lap and holding him close. Ghoul would always hold him and now it was Party’s turn to give the boy his sanctuary. He held Ghoul close to his chest and he felt Ghoul’s hands get lost in the mess of bloodshot hair, riddled with dust from laying on the ground. How they were right now, it was perfect and Party wanted nothing to ever change.

“Have you ever loved someone like this?” Ghoul whispered, resting his head softly against Party’s upper chest.

“No…” Party said back, his voice soft and for the first time ever, willingly in front of Ghoul, vulnerable. “The only person I’ve ever really loved was Kobra but romantically… never. You?”

“I thought I did before,” murmured Ghoul, memories seemingly flashing before him. “I though I did up until this very moment. What I had with her was sweet, but it wasn’t love. It was never love.”

“How do you know this is real?” Desperation and a need for assurance edged in Party’s voice. If Ghoul was so sure something he had was real and now it just wasn’t, were they real? Party really hoped so because he had never felt more loved, more safe, more... happy.

A few moments of silence--“Because right now, death sounds better than getting up, out of your arms.” Ghoul felt small as Party held him, despite being only a few inches shorter. Party just wanted to sit here and love him and care for him for the rest of both their lives.

“Fun Ghoul, I will love you forever,” Party muttered, squeezing him close. Moments like this should never end, they should go on forever. Party wanted to feel this intense love and caring until the end of time and after. He wanted to always be holding Ghoul or be in Ghoul’s arms and just to be here. Forever.

“Can I tell you something?” Ghoul said finally. “It’s-it’s sad but I finally trust you enough. I feel like I can tell you anything.”

“Of course.”

“Remember before when I couldn’t handle being near hospitals? And I said I wasn’t ready to admit why at the moment?”

“Yeah.” Party had almost forgotten. The first time he and Ghoul had really had a moment, back when the two of them were nothing more than a stupid crush. Ghoul had opened up, he told Party about his sister, Georgia and how she died for him when he was only nine. Now he was going further than that and Party was worried of what he’d hear.

“I can’t be in hospitals because… because when I was a kid, Georgia and I… we were practically ‘experiments’ to our parents. They kept us in this hospital and would experiment with our DNA and pretty much just torture us. We both almost died so many times they’d put us through intensely painful procedures to see how much they could take, tried to poison my blood before… Georgia managed to get me out, but they almost injected acid into my blood twice. Broke our bones to see how they healed, use different contaminants to see what got us sick and how to fix that, have us run until we could barely breathe, starve us until we passed out, once they even deprived me of water so long that I couldn’t talk cuz my throat had dried out so much. They’d submit us to this constant abuse for experiments, our parents were mad scientists…” Ghoul shuddered slightly, his face saying he was reliving some of this now. “It emotionally stunted me a bit, when Georgia had finally ran away with me, I’d handle my emotions like a baby. I cried a lot and I didn’t know how to handle emotions properly. I went through all this from ages four to nine before I was on my own, I don’t know how I handled it.”

“I--Ghoul…” Party said, kissing him softly and holding him close to his chest. “That’s horrible, it’s insane that people like that exist.”

“I guess I sort of have PTSD,” continued Ghoul, his eyes shining with tears and his voice choked and thick. “I actively avoid hospitals and I was too scared to sleep alone then because of the flashbacks. When I was alone, I felt them breaking my leg when I was five years old to see how ‘fragile’ I was. How they’d…. How they’d rip out my hair to see how high my pain tolerance was. How they held the needle to my arm trying to inject… I think hydrofluoric acid into my blood and how Georgia had stopped them right before they killed me.”

Party just hugged the boy close to him and kissed his forehead softly. Ghoul didn’t deserve a past like that, or any of the trauma he had from his childhood. Just thinking he went through all that before he even turned ten was awful and Party couldn’t even fathom how awful it truly must’ve been for him. So Party just squeezed him tight and whispered, “I’ll never let anybody touch you. You’re with me now and I’m about to dedicate my everything to protecting you.”

With tears falling to his cheeks, Ghoul turned and planted his lips on Party’s, long and hard. His tear-soaked face rubbed onto Party’s but he didn’t care as the two just kissed and everything disappeared. When they were together, every demon went away When they were together, it was the only time they were truly safe. When they were together, time stopped.

When they were together, they were happy.


	13. Won't Stop Dying, Won't Stop Lying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty long and pretty eventful, but it's a calmer one. 
> 
>  
> 
> The calm before the storm that is

Lately, Party had felt nothing but guilty.

The night before, Ghoul (who he was fairly sure was in fact the love of his life, his soulmate) had opened up in a way nobody thought he ever would. He trusted Party with his childhood, his trauma, his sanity and Party felt like he didn’t deserve it. Because he was guilty. Only a bit before, he had kissed that beautiful girl with the red lips at the bar. She was stunning and he felt… something of a magnetic attraction to her. They were both drunk and they had made out before Kobra came and took Party. As he remembered this moment, he realized he really didn’t deserve Ghoul. Sure, at the time the two of them weren’t ‘together,’ they still technically weren’t, but it sure felt like they were. They had kissed a ton and were always together, cuddling. If Ghoul found out, what would he say? What would he do? Would Party lose Ghoul if he were to find out? That was too painful to think about. So naturally, Party had turned to Kobra to vent.

“I’m just terrified…” he went on, having been talking for a while now about his fears. “I really don’t wanna lose Ghoul, I can’t lose him. He’s my world. I just wish I could undo it. Go back, not get drunk, we’d never have gotten in that fight, I wouldn’t have kissed that girl, I would have the possibility of losing him.”

“You think he’d understand you were drunk?” said Kobra, his bass under one arm.

“I don’t know… his bad temper is well-known and I don’t know if he’d forgive me.”

“I mean, you two really love each other, it seems.”

“We do.”

Kobra placed his bass down and folded his arms, before leaning against a wall and saying, “Shouldn’t love override jealousy? It was one time, when both you and her were intoxicated, when you two had just started, plus you two aren’t even an official couple.”

“Yeah, but I still feel terrible,” Party said, throwing his hands to his face. “He’s so in love with me and I just hate thinking I might have ruined that. It feels like I’m lying to him because I’ll tell him he’s the only one and then I went off and kissed this girl.”

“But he might be the only one for you. You want to spend the rest of your life with him, but you kissed this girl. Literally once.”

“I don’t want him to leave me,” said Party, his voice distressed and upset, sounding like he was about to burst into tears.”

“Nothing’s happened yet,” said Kobra. “You don’t have to worry now. Wait until something happens to worry. And if something does happen, I’ll be here for you. Like you’re always there for me.”

   “Thanks kid,” Party said, putting an arm around Kobra and taking him into a mock headock. “You’re the best. Better brother than me, that’s for sure.”

“Oh my god, shut up,” said Kobra, escaping from Party’s headlock. “You’ve saved my life three times and I’ve never once repaid you.”

“It’s cuz I know I’d be lost without you,” explained Party. “You listening to me and staying alive is payment enough. How about we both agree we’re amazing ass brothers and end the discussion.”

Kobra smiled softly before he said, “Well, besides how you’re scared, how are things going with Ghoul? You guys are so sweet.”

Party smiled, a light blush warming his face. “Amazing. He’s the love of my life. I’m so happy, Kobra.”

“I swear, if he breaks your heart, he won’t know what he walked into,” Kobra said, his face suddenly serious. “If he hurts you…”

“Don’t worry, I don’t think we’d ever hurt each other,” said Party, smiling softly. “We’re so happy. I think we’re safe together.”

“I’m just glad you’re happy,” continued Kobra. “After seeing you for so long, insisting you’d die alone and that you’re unlovable. You just proved yourself wrong.”

“Guess Ghoul was ready to take on the impossible task of loving me.”

“Not impossible.”

“Think again, bud.”

But that was when Ghoul walked over behind Party and even though he was sitting down, wrapped his arms around the boy from behind and set his head in the crook of his neck. He just sighed softly and muttered, “Baby…” into Party’s ear, planting a kiss on his lower jaw.

“Hey, I love you,” said Party quietly, placing one hand where Ghoul’s met, settled over his stomach. 

Kobra grinned slightly at the boys. If Party was smiling, chances were Kobra was too, at least a little. It had been like that since they were kids, if Party was happy then Kobra was happy. “I love you,” Ghoul muttered back, softly.

“Where’s Jet?” asked Kobra, leaning back, not wanting to ruin the moment but also not wanting to invade on it.

Ghoul looked up, his chin still rested on Party’s shoulder from behind, his arms still wrapped around the boy. “He went out to restock on supplies and shit like that. Told me not to join him since I’m ‘wanted.’ He thought I was gonna get killed or something.” He grinned lovingly at Party before adding, “He’s almost as bad as you, baby.”

Party smiled, saying, “Keep calling me that forever, I love it.”

“You know what, I think I’m gonna join him,” said Kobra, getting up. “Give you two some alone time.” He walked over to the door to leave, taking one last glance back at Party as Ghoul seemed to have tackled him, kissing him roughly. Kobra grinned, put on his sunglasses and walked to find Jet.

* * *

“How’re our little loverboys doing?” Jet asked when Kobra had found him, in a drug store and piling  ramen noodle cups into a bag.

“Not bad,” Kobra said with a small chuckle. “I think they’re having fun.”

“Ghoul was pretty upset I didn’t let him come,” said Jet, sitting down in front of a display. “But that was until I reminded him that Party was still there. Then he got excited.”

Kobra chuckled softly, saying, “I’m so glad Party has him. He just makes him so happy and seeing Party happy is probably my favorite thing. He needs someone like Ghoul to love him.”

“That’s really sweet,” said Jet, smiling as he motioned for Kobra to sit down with him. “They’ve both been so happy since everything started. I’m glad they’ve found each other.”

“Yeah, when we were younger he was always so sure he was gonna die alone,” said Kobra. “He’s always had really bad self-esteem issues, he thinks he’s ugly and had really bad issues with his weight in the past, he still does. But he has Ghoul, who’s always telling him how beautiful he is, how perfect he is. He needs this kind of love in his life.”

“That’s adorable,” said Jet, his grin wide with lit up eyes. “They both deserve each other.”

“They do…” said Kobra. “Don’t tell Party I told you this next thing… he’ll kill me. Lately, he’s been so scared he’s gonna lose Ghoul.”

“Why?”

“You know about Ghoul’s really bad temper, right?” A nod from Jet before Kobra went on. “Party got pretty drunk when he was gone at Volt Central, it was when they had just kissed a few times. When Party and I got in that fight. He went off with this really pretty girl who was also really drunk and I found them making out in a corner… He’s horrified Ghoul’s gonna find out and leave him. Don’t tell Party I told you about this though.”

“He kissed a girl?” Jet said, seemingly shocked. The sexualities of both Party and Ghoul were something of a mystery to pretty much anyone but even Kobra was fairly certain Party was gay until the night at the bar. Whether it was his intense crush on Ghoul or how he had always fawned over boys for most of life, that night was the only time he ever seemed to be attracted to a girl. It was no difference though, Party was still his brother no matter who he fell in love with and Kobra would love him no matter who he was making out with. Jet finally added, “I thought he was--” before Kobra cut him off.

“Yeah, he’s never used labels. He just feels like he’s lying to Ghoul by not telling him, but he doesn’t want to stop. He doesn’t want Ghoul to leave him.”

Jet glanced down briefly before looking back at Kobra and saying, “Well, you can tell him this maybe… It might help him handle it? I mean, obviously I think he should just get it off his chest, I’m just that kind of person, but technically it’s not lying if Ghoul never asked.”

“I’ll tell him that,” said Kobra, before adding on, “but I’ll also tell him he should just tell him. You know what I’m scared of if Ghoul finds out though?”

“Hmm?”

“When Ghoul gets mad he gets _mad_ ,” said Kobra, wrapping his arms around himself. “What if he finds out and gets so mad…. what if he gets so mad he hurts Party?”

“I don’t think he will,” said Jet. “Don’t worry. He’s never gotten violent, his rage is more just through words that sometimes really hurt. If anything he’ll yell and it’ll absolutely destroy Party but I don’t think he’d hurt him.”

“We’ve never seen him react to something like this before though,” continued Kobra, seeming anxious. “It doesn’t seem like it would feel good at all to find out, what if he gets more angry than he ever has before and hurts him? What if he kills my brother?”

“Woah, woah, calm down,” said Jet, rubbing Kobra’s shoulder. “He has slight anger issues, but that doesn’t mean he’ll kill Party. Or hurt him. He’ll likely yell, make him feel horrible, you’ll probably  have to comfort him forever but he’ll be okay. Trust me, I don’t think Ghoul’s like that.”

Kobra just nodded in response. This was something that was really scaring him. He didn’t know what Ghoul could do and if he even dared laid a finger on his brother, he would regret it. And even if he didn’t physically hurt Party, Kobra couldn’t stand the thought of his brother being that broken, that upset. He was just so happy with Ghoul, what would it be like if he lost him? Well, Kobra didn’t want to know.

* * *

Party felt Ghoul laying on top of them as the two made out on the ground. Ghoul lightly nibbled on Party’s lip as they kissed and Party had grabbed handfuls of his black t-shirt and hair. “You’re so handsome,” muttered Party, smiling into the kiss. 

Ghoul smiled as he kissed him intensely, leading the kiss with one arm stroking the back of his neck and the other groping the back of Party’s upper thigh. “You don’t know how long I’d dream of this. Oh, the things I’d like to do to you…”

“Who says you can’t?” Party said breathily, it being a physical need at this point to have Ghoul’s lips on his. He had a thirst for this boy he needed to quench…

Ghoul sat up for a second, straddling his lover with his hands over on his chest. “They might be too intense for you as of now. Give it time, baby.” At that, Ghoul pressed his mouth back to Party’s for a good minute before he kissed down his jawline and kept traveling on Party’s body. His lips felt like feathers, soft kisses down his neck and onto his collarbone where his lips stayed for a bit.

“You’re such a tease,” Party said, laughing loudly and pushing Ghoul off him. He sat back up, ruffling his hair to get the dust out as he lovingly gazed into Ghoul’s eyes. “I love you.”

A small blush highlighted Ghoul’s cheeks as he looked back into the boys eyes. “I’m taking every opportunity to tell you. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you… I want you to know if something happens again.”

That hit Party harder than a bullet, penetrated his heart sharper than any knife. What would Ghoul say if he found out about the girl? It was betrayal to the worst degree. He was lying to Ghoul every single time they kissed. Maybe it was one time, but it felt like the heaviest weight on Party’s shoulders. It was absolutely killing him to know that he had to live with this secret everyday, scared he’d be without the perfect guy he had found.

“You love me no matter what?” asked Party, his voice getting small. He had been questioning whether or not he should tell Ghoul. Obviously he deserved to know, but at the same time Party knew it would break both of them. Party was horrified if he told Ghoul, Ghoul would decide he didn’t want him anymore. He’d leave for someone, anyone better. Someone who wouldn’t get drunk and make out with the pretty girl he met at a bar.

“Of course,” Ghoul said, weaving himself around Party and laying his head in his love’s chest. “No matter what happens, I’ll love you forever.”

“You really mean that?”

“Baby, why wouldn’t I? I know you love it when I call you that,” muttered Ghoul, giggling softly as he lightly kissed his cheek. “Baby, baby, baby, baby. Baby, I love you.”

“Ugh, you’re perfect,” came Party in response. “You’re my baby too.”

Ghoul grinned huge as Party took him in a big hug. Unconditional. Party hoped he meant it like he though he did. No matter what. Well, when he found out Party would likely be proving him wrong but he’d rather not think about that. But then they were kissing again when Jet and Kobra came back in, talking when they noticed the boys kissing.

“What did we walk in on?” Jet said, smiling as he saw them pull apart and smile at each other, looking so in love. 

“The end of an incredible time,” Ghoul said, a soft peck on Party’s lips. Party laughed softly, leaning into Ghoul’s side. Wow, this guy really was perfect.

“Hope we didn’t interrupt anything,” Kobra said, as he noticed Ghoul rubbing his hand up and down Party’s right thigh.

“No, don’t worry,” said Party as he placed his own hand on Ghoul’s and kissed him lightly again. “But trust me, we had quite a bit of fun.”

“I don’t think I want any more information,” Kobra said, laughing awkwardly. 

Party and Ghoul laughed, looking at each other, Ghoul pressing his forehead to Party’s, with a huge smile. He buried his hands in Party’s bright hair. Once the two separated, Party glanced over at Kobra who was looking at the two of them, smiling sadly. The smile was subtle, but Party could tell it was there and his eyes seemed sad. Mourning, almost. What could his face mean? Party didn’t think about that though, feeling Ghoul’s lips on his neck again. Party giggled, his nails digging into Ghoul’s back as he said, “Hey, not right now!”

“But you’re just so beautiful,” said Ghoul, grinning. 

“My brother’s literally right there,” said Party, motioning at Kobra. “I don’t think he wants to watch you turn me on.”

Ghoul lightly hit his shoulder, saying, “It’s not like we’re having sex in front of him or anything. I wouldn’t be opposed to it though.”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” laughed Party, taking Ghoul in a hug. “You’re so weird.” 

So the two just sat still together, Party laying his head on Ghoul’s chest. Ghoul ran his fingers through Party’s hair again, twirling it in his fingers and lightly massaging his scalp. Though Ghoul was a bit smaller, he would always take Party in his arms and hold him, no matter how awkward it might look. It was sweet and Party loved how safe he felt when Ghoul held him and kissed him softly. The way they would quietly murmur how they loved each other and just cuddle into each other sweetly. It had been Party’s favorite thing lately and he was horrified that a day would come he’d lose this. Party didn’t know what he’d do without this in his life every day.

“But if you guys wanna calm down for a bit, Kobra and I got food,” Jet said, taking the lighter Ghoul used to light his cigarettes to create a fire. “We got those ramen noodle cups we lived on like three years ago. You guys remember?”

Party fell backwards laughing as he said, “They were all we ate! It’s been a bit since we had them though, wow, nostalgia.”

Jet grinned as he poured two plastic water bottles in a pot and holding it above the fire he had started to boil it. “I got a ton, so we might be living off it again for a bit.”

“That stuff was good as hell though,” said Ghoul. “I don’t know what it was about processed noodle bowls, but they were my shit at like 15.”

“Speaking of, you guys remember how Ghoul like couldn’t go in grocery stores for like a year because he stole so many from so many places?” said Jet. “We teased him forever.”

“Leave me alone, I was young,” said Ghoul as Party positioned himself back in the smaller boy’s lap. “I thought I was so cool for stealing all that shit.”

“You were such an extra kid,” said Jet, the boys all laughing at the memory. When the guys had first started their crew, Ghoul was only 15 and pretty much stolen whenever he could. They had plenty of carbons, plenty of ways to pay but Ghoul insisted on stealing everything. They had so many store owners after them for a good two years due to Ghoul’s complete recklessness.

“This was when you started liking me?” Ghoul said, taking Party’s hand. “I find that hard to believe.”

“I mean, it was the very beginning,” said Party. “I’m sure Kobra remembers, I kinda thought you were cute like physically but also like….. personality wise? I mean I didn’t like act on it or anything, you were 15 and I was 19 and like I didn’t want to be cree—”

“He means he didn’t wanna fuck you when you were 15,” said Kobra, finishing for Party. The brothers always seemed to know what to say when the other didn’t. 

“Well, I don’t think it’s creepy,” said Ghoul. “It’s not like you’d molest me or anything, you didn’t do anything, you waited to kiss me until I was 19, an adult. Nothing creepy about it.”

“Oh, thank God.”

The four all laughed, Kobra saying, “I mean, look at you now. Kissing the kid you thought you were a creep for finding cute every two minutes. 

“We don’t kiss that often,” Party said, but of course as he said that, Ghoul was going in for a kiss. Party didn’t deny him of it, holding his cheeks and smiling before it ended. “Okay, maybe we do. I just love him a lot.”

“I wish I could go show this to you when you were younger,” said Kobra. “You’d have been a lot better off.”

“You’re right,” said Party. 

“You know, I’m so proud of all you guys,” said Jet. “You guys all went through so much more than me, so much worse than me. I’m not sure about you, Ghoul, don’t feel like you have to tell me but it must be bad. You’re all in such better places. Kobra, maybe things aren’t better yet but I promise you, we’ll help you. We all love you so much. And Party, just the way you make us all laugh lights us all up. Your smile is so contagious.”

 The three smiled and looked from each other to Jet, Ghoul saying, “We’re proud of you too. You act like your pain isn’t as serious as ours, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt as much.”

Jet rolled his eyes jokingly, saying, “A car crash. My parents weren’t brutally murdered by BL-Ind.”

“We don’t know if it was BL-Ind,” Party said. “I mean, probably, but we don’t know for sure”

“You can’t say my suffering is bad as yours. You’ve been through worse.”

“Jet, a sprained ankle doesn’t hurt any less because a broken leg is more major. All pain is valid.”

Jet smiled softly, emptying cups of noodles into the pot of  boiling water. “I am really proud of you guys though. I mean, look at you and Ghoul. You’re adorable.”

“He’s so much happier than he was as a teen,” said Kobra, looking towards Ghoul and saying, “Thank you for making my brother so happy. He deserves someone like you.”

Party smiled as he nuzzled into Ghoul’s chest. Ghoul kneaded his scalp softly as he smiled and said, “Of course, I love him so much. I’m so glad I have him.”

“Now don’t you dare hurt him,” said Kobra, looking protectively from his brother back to the boy’s lover. “You know I can’t bare seeing him cry. If you make him cry, hurt him in any way… you’ll regret it.”

“You think I’d ever hurt him?” said Ghoul, giving Party a light peck on the lips before saying, “He’s my baby. All I want is for him to be happy.”

“All everyone wants is for Party to be happy,” said Jet. “Happy Party is the best Party. I hated that you had woken up after weeks and you were almost immediately in tears.”

“I was worried Kobra would actually die that time,” said Party. “Catch me vulnerable about my brother and only about my brother. You really wouldn’t wanna see me if I lost him.”

“I regretted it the moment you opened your eyes,”  said Kobra. “That’s why I immediately started uncontrollably sobbing. Partially because I was so damn glad you’re alive, but I knew you’d never forgive me if I had died. And I had missed you so much, I didn’t wanna die right after getting you back.”

“Kobra Kid, I don’t want you ever to feel like you need to die,” said Party. “I hope you know that. You mean the world to me.”

Kobra smiled softly and for a moment, everything was okay. For a moment the boys were all happily reliving memories. For a moment, Party wasn’t dead terrified he’d lose Ghoul from a mistake, for a moment Kobra wasn’t horribly suicidal. Things were… fine. And to Party, ‘fine’ was good enough.


	14. This Ain't a Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: memories of suicide attempts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so this is a pretty intense chapter, just a warning before you get into it.... like i had troubled editing it, it was pretty intense but it's good nonetheless.
> 
> PLEASE READ IF BEFORE 8/1/19:  
> next friday, 7/26/19, i will once again be out of town. so sorry, i'm always busy in summer but fret not, i'm almost 100% sure that's the last time i'll be traveling this summer. so no chspter next week but yes the week after and hopefully every week to come!

Blood, gushing from Kobra’s leg. He was bleeding, bleeding, bleeding heavily, everywhere. Party was so sure he’d die, bleed to death. He was in agony, his face in pain as he clutched his leg, his hands shaking as Jet tried desperately to find any sort of disinfectant to keep him from getting any worse.

“Godammit, you can’t keep scaring me like that,” Party said with tears burning his eyes. He grabbed Kobra’s hand and clutched it tightly, pressing it to his chest as he added, “you know kid, I don’t know how you keep convincing yourself I don’t want you alive.”

“It hurts…” was all Kobra said in response, his voice practically in a whimper.

Jet finally found what he was looking for and started cleaning Kobra’s wound, causing him to flinch. “Hey, it’s okay, you’ll be okay,” Jet had murmured as he wiped the wound down.

“It’ll never be okay,” muttered Kobra finally, when Jet had finished and started wrapping the raw wound. 

That was when Party felt himself being shaken, his name being called. His eyes opened and the boys were sitting around him, looking concerned. Party looked over and saw it was still dark but everyone, even Ghoul was sitting around him. Jet had his arms on his shoulders and sighed when he saw Party open his eyes, but Party just appeared confused.

“What are you guys doing?” said Party, rubbing his eyes and sitting up. 

The three all looked at each other, Kobra and Jet looking really worried and Ghoul leaning on Kobra, seeming tired but his eyes slightly concerned. He was the first to talk, his voice dreary and laced with worry, “You were screaming and thrashing,” he said with a yawn.

“Another night terror?” said Party, glancing at Kobra, who would’ve known. Party had suffered from night terrors even before their parents died, but not at all frequently. But after they died, they’d come at the very least once a week and it was awful.

Kobra nodded as he said, “It was really bad. You like smacked Ghoul really hard, that’s what got him up but you were also screaming a lot. You sounded so… scared. You were like, shouting my name.”

"Yeah, it was bad,” Jet added softly, rubbing his arm.

“I hit Ghoul?” said Party, suddenly alarmed, looking over to him. “I’m so sorry, oh God. Apparently I’d hit Kobra when they started getting bad. I’m so sorry, though.”

"It’s fine,” said Ghoul with a sleepy giggle. He motioned to the section of his cheek under his left eye as he said, “That’s where you got me. It’ll probably bruise, but it’s okay.” His eyes were barely half opened at this point as he leaned his head onto Kobra’s arm a bit more.

“Hey, c’mere,” said Party, reaching out his arms so Ghoul would come back over from Kobra. He did and Party just held him tightly as Jet looked back at Party before saying,

"This happened often before?”

"Yeah, a bit,” said Party. “It always starts getting worse when I’m worrying about something. Usually Kobra.”

"Are you worrying about Kobra?” asked Jet.

"The dream was back from when he shot himself in the leg,” said Party and Kobra flinched. “Sorry, kid. I know you don’t like thinking about it.”

"No, it’s fine,” said Kobra, quiet. “It was a scary time.”

“I don’t know why I’m suddenly worried about you again,” said Party, a bit perplexed himself about what brought upon the terror. Maybe the slightly recent event of Kobra’s overdose or just regular brotherly fear. But all he knew was for whatever reason he was horrified for his brother once again.

Party thought Ghoul had fallen back asleep, but apparently he hadn’t as he said, though his eyes were closed with his arms wrapped around Party’s chest, chin on Party’s shoulder, “Maybe since we’ve been back in Bat City, you’re worried his picture will get out there.”

“I mean, I am, you’re right,” said Party. “My whole life, keeping my little brother safe has been my top priority. Kobra, I hope you’re aware you mean a lot to me.”

Kobra grinned small, breaking eye contact with Party. “Thanks,” he said, silently. “You know, when we were kids I had this horrible, horrible fear you’d get killed.”

"Aw, really?” said Party, clutching Ghoul close to his body as possible as Kobra nodded slightly.

“He’s told me about that,” said Jet. “But especially since the posters came out. It’s really scary to know you’re being hunted.”

Kobra nodded and Party took one arm from around Ghoul and rubbed Kobra’s shoulder. “How many times do I need to tell you that I’m fine before you believe me?”

“I just really don’t want you to die,” said Kobra, wiping his eyes quickly before the tears could start streaming down his cheeks.

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself because of me,” said Party, squeezing Kobra’s shoulder. “You already tried something because of me and I don’t want anything bad actually happening.”

Kobra didn’t say anything, looking down with his arms crossed. His eyes looked watery and tear-filled, but he obviously didn’t wanna talk about his own mental struggles and Party didn’t blame him. Both boys had had pretty intense issues and struggles with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. They weren’t always open about it but when they were, it was to each other and each other only. 

Jet wrapped an arm around Kobra as he looked at Party and said, “Hopefully knowing Kobra’s okay will put the terrors at rest.”

Giving his lover, who felt small and fragile in his arms a kiss on the head, Party nodded. The sun still wasn’t up, he noticed which caused him to say, “We should all get back to sleep.”

“You’re right,” said Jet, glancing at Kobra who had started to take out his bass and added, “that means you too, Kobra Kid.”

Kobra sighed, looking back and smiling. Party laid back down, Ghoul in his arms. He had never really realized how small Ghoul got when he curled up and put himself in his arms, especially when he was usually the ‘big spoon.’ Party kissed his head again before closing his eyes, hoping he wouldn’t be greeted by Kobra’s eyes, though alive missing all the life.

* * *

Party was the first awake the next morning. He made sure to put down Ghoul lightly to not wake him up and lightly went over to Jet to get him awake. “Hey Jet,” Party whispered, shaking him slightly. “Jet, you up?”

"I am now,” he murmured in response, rubbing his eyes as he sat up straight. “What do you want? It’s too early for your shit.”

"I think we should go to the desert and stay there,” said Party. “It’ll be safer from Korse and his gang. I want you to come with me, we gotta let Blade know so he’s not after our asses as well.”

“You really think we should?” said Jet, seeming somewhat surprised. Party had always been into the safest option for the guys rather than himself and to him, it was always staying in Bat City. But it wasn’t safe anymore, not with the threat of seeing their faces on Wanted posters and with a S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W agent at every corner.

“Yeah,” said Party. “Come with me, I think you’ll make a better case. Plus, you can calm me down easily if I start yelling.”

Jet chuckled before saying, “Okay, good plan. I’ll leave a note so we don’t worry Kobra and Ghoul then I’ll be on my way out.”

“Cool, thanks,” said Party. “I just, I really feel like we’ll be better off if we’re long, long gone. Past Zone 3, where Korse couldn’t track us.”

“You’re probably right,” said Jet as he finished scrawling up a note and throwing it near Kobra so he’d noticed. He’d likely wake up before Ghoul anyway. The two of them had started out, Party looking forward to heading back out into the desert. He had grown up in one of the more suburban areas until his parents died and he and Kobra had set out in the desert. It brought back some rough memories of just barely getting by but at the same time, there was so much room for freedom there. Party could just be…. himself. And it would be glorious.

"You want me to do the talking?” asked Jet as they approached the building Blade had stayed in. It would’ve been smart for Party to just let Jet talk, but of course Party never did what was smart.

“No, I wanna talk,” said Party, rolling up his sleeves. It was the first time he had worn his classic blue leather jacket in a while, but he had a slight smile on his face as he said, “I wanna say good riddance to this motherfucking son of a bitch.”

Jet laughed as they went in, saying, “Great, I’ll keep you in check.”

“You’ll probably need to.” Party walked quickly with Jet not far behind him. When he entered the building he saw Noir, trying to ignore her but she wouldn’t let him.

“Party? Party, what are you doing here?” she said, running up to him the moment she noticed him.

He had tried to get past her, running a hand through his hair as he said in the most annoyed tone he could get, “I’m here to let Blade know the guys and I are leaving. Going off the grid. Becoming zonerunners.”

“No, trust me you don’t wanna do that,” said Noir, getting in front of him. “On second thought, don’t even go to Blade. He’ll tell you some things you really don’t wanna hear.”

“Oh, I think I do.”

“No--”

“Just let him go, Noir,” Jet said, helping Party push past her as they went to find Blade. They did and he was sitting in a dining area with his girlfriend, the two eating and talking. It was well-known Blade and her lived like royalty, some of the only Killjoys with access to good shelter, real beds, real food. It made Party sick.

"Blade, I’m leaving,” said Party, almost immediately after he entered the room. “Me and the guys are heading to the zones and we’re staying there.”

Blade looked at his girlfriend before looking back at Party and saying, “You wanna go to the zones?”

“Yeah, that’s what I just said. You won’t have to deal with us anymore.”

Blade grinned before saying, “Oh, of course. I’d love to get rid of you.”

"We can disassemble our trackers?” added Party, holding out his wrist where the metal chip stuck to his skin. 

"I’ve lost some good men trying to get rid of you,” said Blade. “I’m glad to finally have you gone. But before you go, I have some things you’d probably like to know.” He looked at his girlfriend, who smiled as he called, “Noir! Get in here!”

She slowly walked in, seeing Party and Jet were still there. Her face twisted, seeming upset and already knowing what Blade was about to have her do. So of course, Blade went on, “Noir, I think there’s something you wanna tell our boys before they go.”

 " No, no it’s fine,” she muttered, not making eye contact with Party or Jet.

“I think you should,” said Blade again, his voice tinged with evil.

Party looked at Jet, wondering what could be so bad she just couldn’t tell them. “Spit it out,” he had his arms crossed, just wanting to get out and hang with Ghoul a bit before they left.

“I--” she started, seeming anxious as she finally managed to spit out. “It’s my fault you guys got  attacked. I was… I was sent to find your weaknesses and I said to kill you, to go after Kobra… and I’m so sorry.”

Jet didn’t even try to hold his friend back as Party jumped at the girl, Blade seeming to just be enjoying the drama. “You think that’s something you can just apologize for? You told guys to go out and kill my little brother and you think that’s something I’ll just forgive? Are you fucking mad? You could’ve killed him if I didn’t go to him. And you know while I was out, he tried to kill himself? That’s right Noir, he tried to overdose. You think I’d be okay, or even alive right now if he had been successful?”

“I didn’t mean too--”

"You think I care what you meant to do? You’re damn wrong if you think I do,” Party said, heading to leave. “Jet, c’mon. We should head on out quick. If we wanna get away from these fucking snakes.”

Party was too heated to even think as he stormed out of the room with Jet beside him and Noir traveling close behind, trying to explain herself. But Party didn’t care. He wanted to go back and just collapse in the arms of the guy he loved and for them to lay together and tell each other how much they love each other and just kiss and cuddle. But Noir kept pestering him, kept following him to the point Jet had went into the building first to warn the guys Party was pissed.

“Look, you can’t try to defend yourself,” said Party, going into the building where the three had looked cautiously over. “Kobra coulda died, Ghoul coulda died, Jet coulda died, I coulda died. I can’t lose them! And it would’ve been your fault.”

“Party, it was my job!” she said, her eyes seeming to tear up. “Blade would’ve killed me if I didn’t tell him.”

“Then you shoulda died!” said Party. “Most ‘joys would die before turning in another. Guess that shows who you really are.”

"Oh, so I’m a bad person for being scared for my own life?” said Noir, suddenly going from sad to angry. “I can turn the guys on you right now, the dirt I have on you!”

“Oh yeah? Then do it!”

“I was on your tracker that night you guys were in Volt Central,” started Noir. Kobra gave Party a worried face he didn’t respond to as she went on, “I know exactly what happened. With the girl with the red lips? You were making out with her?”

And then it got dead silent.

No…

“Excuse me?” said Ghoul after hearing this. “Party, what’s she saying? She’s lying. Party, tell me she’s lying.”

“Even I wish I could say it was,” said Noir. “But no. There was a girl with black hair and bright red lips. And Party kissed her. Passionately.”

Tears were welling up in Ghoul’s eyes and his voice was thick, “Party… please tell me…”

Party shook his head before quietly saying, “It happened.”

Kobra moved over to Jet to whisper something but Ghoul just went up to Party, before saying anything screaming at Noir to get out. Once she was gone, Ghoul looked back at the person he had given his heart too and started screaming. Just screaming. He was so angry… “Party Poison, I gave everything to you. I gave you myself and you just tossed it out for the first pretty girl in a bar to walk by. Do you know what it means to be given what I gave you? I gave you my love and my secrets and my insecurities… that’s not something you can just toss out!”

"Ghoul please, I was drunk--”

“I don’t wanna hear that you were drunk! You threw away everything I gave you! Do you know how hard it is for me to give myself to someone? I finally felt comfortable with someone romantically again. I thought I finally had something real… someone who would actually love me right.”

Ghoul leaned forward as if he was about to punch Party, causing Kobra to jump and freeze up, Jet immediately putting an arm around him for comfort. At the same time Party flinched which seemed to cause Ghoul to stop, distress obvious on his face.

“I just really love you,” said Ghoul, moving back, hugging himself with his voice quiet. “Love. Present tense. Still love. It just hurts a lot.”

“Ghoul--” Party walked over, reaching to take his arm, causing him to move back.

“I can’t talk to you right now,” said Ghoul, just turning around and storming out of the building in tears. Party just stood for a second, his mouth open and staring at the space where Ghoul had been. What had just happened? Was his relationship with Ghoul just…… over? He really hoped not.

"Party…” said Jet, reaching out but Party just stumbled back. He felt dizzy and his head hurt… he didn’t know how to feel. He needed Ghoul, he needed him.. What would be do without his love?

“I lost him,” muttered Party, collapsing to his knees before going back and squeezing his eyes shut. “I love him, I love him so much and I just lost him.”

Kobra went to Party and wrapped his arms around him in an attempt of comfort. “It’s gonna be okay…” he whispered as Party buried his head in Kobra’s shoulder and just sobbed. Sobbed until he had no tears left and couldn’t stand it anymore. He had never been a particularly ugly crier (which was somewhat of a miracle) but now he was on the floor, on his little brother’s shoulder, full on ugly sobbing. He had never cried like this before, at least not at a time he could remember. Not even when he thought Kobra would die, he was never sobbing like this. He didn’t think anything could feel worse.

Not too long had passed before he heard Kobra’s angry murmur, “I’m going to kill him. I’ll kill him for doing this to you. I’ll kill him for treating you like this.”

Loudly sniffling, Party said with his head still on Kobra’s shoulder, “Don’t. It’s all my fault, I was an idiot. I just… I can’t stand the thought of him not loving me anymore. It was possible to live without until he started.”

"No, Party, I don’t want to see you like this,” said Kobra, seeming to get a bit defensive. “I hate seeing you cry, I’m not letting him get away with this.”

“He’s not getting away with anything,” said Party, taking an arm and wiping his face. “He didn’t do anything but be honest. I deserve this.”

“I’m not just sitting and watching you in this much pain.”

“Then leave! There’s no use in yelling at him and the pain won’t fade anytime soon.”

Kobra didn’t leave though. He just held Party close, knowing he needed comfort. Even if it wasn’t in words, Party just needed to know somebody was there. That somebody cared about him. Jet had gone to comfort Ghoul and it wasn’t that Party didn’t think the guy deserved it, he just really had never hated himself more. 

* * *

Jet had been walking for a bit, trying desperately to find Ghoul before he got hurt. He had just taken his motorcycle and left. Jet followed the tire marks until they stopped, where he find Ghoul’s bike parked. He walked and saw it was on a ledge, at the end of Bat City. His heart lurched and he was close to panic, thinking maybe Ghoul had jumped. But he found that Ghoul was only sitting on the ledge, his feet dangling down. Jet ran up to him immediately with a sigh of relief.

“Ghoul? Ghoul, you can’t just run off, I don’t care how upset you are,” said Jet, going over next to him.

Ghoul didn’t say anything. There was a cigarette resting on the left side of his mouth as he slowly blew smoke from his mouth, looking out. He threw his hands covered in black fingerless gloves to his eyes where he violently rubbed them. He didn’t want his tears to be obvious. 

"Dude, c’mon,” said Jet, throwing an arm around him. “Hey, you okay?”

A couple seconds of silence before Ghoul looked Jet right in the eyes, his tears having paved a line on his cheeks, taking the cigarette from his mouth in between two fingers as he said, “Do you even know how much I love him? Can you even begin to fathom how much I love him, how much I care about him? I trusted him with things I’ve never told anyone else. About my family and my childhood and my trauma. And he kissed a bitch at a bar! He threw away everything because he got drunk one night. And it sucks because finding that out doesn’t make me love him any less. I still love him just as much as I did and I could go back and everything could be fine but I know I shouldn’t. He hurt me.”

"He loves you a lot too,” said Jet, thinking of seeing Party cry so hard for the first time. “I don’t think he’s ever regret something more.”

“I just need time to clear my mind,” said Ghoul. “Maybe I’ll go back with him and things will be back to normal but I can’t talk to him right now. I’m too mad and upset and confused.”

“I’d stay away from Kobra when you go back.”

“Why?”

"He’s pissed. You shoulda seen him, Party like collapsed on him and started seriously sobbing on his shoulder… he hates seeing Party cry. He’s mad. I guess it’s kinda a given though, we know how protective they are over each other.”

“Party asked for it,” said Ghoul, his voice bitter. “I’m glad he feels just as shitty as me. He deserves it. He asked for it when he kissed whoever that chick was. I’m glad he feels just as heartbroken and miserable as me.”

"Ghoul, don’t say that--”

“Why not, Jet? Why can’t I say I’m glad he's miserable? I genuinely am. I hate myself for loving him still, through all this.”

“Maybe that says something.”

"I just… I can’t talk to him now,” said Ghoul finally, seeming significantly calmer than he had been. “I think I’m ready to go back. I can’t talk to him but I’m ready to see his face. His goddamn gorgeous face… God, why’d he have to do this to me? I was so sure he was the love of my life.”

“You sure? Kobra’s mad, he’s pretty scary,” said Jet, getting up to follow Ghoul who had done the same. 

“I don’t care, I can handle it,” said Ghoul, just walking. He wasn’t okay, he definitely wasn’t okay but it was fine. He’d survive somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see what i mean? damn, this was intense


	15. Would You Have the Guts to Say 'I Don't Love You'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one is..... really long and i'm super proud of it  
> it'll probably break your hearts though  
> so  
> sorry about that

Party had just really been spending his time in utter shock. How could something as great as his little fling with Ghoul, however serious it might’ve been just something that was there one day and the next day just… disappear. He just wanted to hold Ghoul, kiss him, love him. Just to feel as happy as he did back when Ghoul was able to love him. Before now. When everything had just been destroyed. And the worst part was that Party wanted to blame Noir, he really wanted to blame her. He wanted to blame Noir for bringing it up, making it something Ghoul knew but it really was his own fault. He kissed that girl, Noir didn’t force him. It was his bad decision that lead to two broken hearts. Two broken hearts that just wanted to be loved. Two broken hearts that just wanted to be loved by each other.

Ghoul did come back eventually. He and Jet returned and the moment they entered the warehouse. And that was when Kobra lost it. He got up from comforting Party to up in Ghoul’s face and it was the first time Party had seen his brother yell at anybody other than him. 

“Are you aware of what you did to my brother?” shouted Kobra, obviously very angry. “He’s absolutely broken. You can’t forgive one mistake? Are your standards really that incredibly, unrealistically high? He loves you so much and you leave him in pieces because he got drunk one night. You don’t even know a fraction of what he’s gone through, I just wanna know how you could do this to somebody. Especially somebody you loved and cared about. You’re honestly just a huge asshole with no regard for him whatsoever, huh? You two aren’t even official!”

“Maybe we’re not, but it hurts,” said Ghoul, tears appearing to start up all over again. “I gave myself to one other person and you know what she did? She took my heart and absolutely demolished it. It took me so long to get the courage to actually give so much of me away and you know what happened when I did? It was with Party and he made out with some girl. Like I was nothing.”

“That’s not what he--” Kobra ran a hand through his hair, a frustrated look on his face. “He really does want you. He needs you. I don’t think he’s ever regretted anything more.”

“Good!” At that, Ghoul was done talking about it. He pushed Kobra to the side and just went over, isolating himself from the rest of the boys. He seemed really upset still, just wanting to be left alone so Party decided to respect his wishes.

“I can’t believe myself,” said Party quietly. “I love him so much and I threw it all away.”

Kobra went back over to put a hand on his shoulder and Jet sat down next to him. Frowning, Jet said, “I think you’ll be back with him eventually. He told me maybe he’d go back to you someday, he still loves you. He just needs some time. Give him a bit and you two will be back in each other’s arms before you know it.”

“I really hope so.”

At the start of the next day, Party was still awake. He had barely slept and the moment Kobra was up, he went to get the two of them coffee. Party was exhausted, having spent all night thinking. Thinking about what would become of him. What he wanted. Did he even want to be alive without Ghoul? Yes, he had to stay alive. He had to stay alive for Kobra, for his brother. But did he truly want to? If Kobra wasn’t with him, would he really still try to keep himself alive? Likely… no. Of course, he wouldn’t tell Kobra though. He didn’t want him to worry any more than he already was.

“You okay?” said Kobra, handing his brother the coffee cup. “You doing any better?”

Party shook his head, taking the coffee. “I saw him last night and he… he just looked so peaceful. Without me. I know it makes me sound like a horrible person but I hate thinking he’s okay without me when I’m not. I want him to be happy and if being without me makes him happy, then I guess I want that but I hate thinking it’s reality and not some twisted, fucked up dream.”

“You don’t sound like an awful person,” said Kobra, rubbing Party’s arm. “It makes sense. You’re in love and heartbroken but… but I don’t think he’s as okay as you think.”

“What do you mean?”

“Yesterday when I was… when I was yelling at him, he was almost crying,” said Kobra, hesitating slightly on ‘yelling at him.’ He was slightly embarrassed about his little outburst, no doubt but he also would never regret it. “I think he misses you. He just feels betrayed.”

“I miss him too.”

“Give him time. Maybe he’ll come back to you soon. Don’t give up hope.”

“You guys?” said Jet, coming forward once the quiet volume of the guys, lacking of laughter became unbearable. “I know none of us are very happy, but I think we should get going. To the zones. It might help us take our minds off everything.”

“Please,” said Party, standing up. “You still have that pocket knife, Jet?”

“Yeah, why?” he asked, suspiciously drawing a pocket knife from his pocket.

Party held up his arm and pointed to the metal tracking chip in his wrist. “It’s gonna hurt like hell, but it’s the only way we can get off the grid.

“You’re right,” said Jet. He was the first to cut the chip out, wincing in pain as he dug the knife in his skin. He held the bloody chip in his hand as he threw it in the ground. “Yeah, you’re right it does hurt like hell.”

“Give it to me,” said Party, taking the bloody knife and wiping it off on his pants. The guys passed it around, all cutting out they’re trackers and tossing them to the ground. Party clutched his wound tightly as it bled, Jet came around to wrap everybody’s. Kobra shook his arm to try and distract himself from the pain and Ghoul jabbed his nails into his thigh, hoping a different pain would numb it a bit. And then once they left this building, the four of them would be officially off the grid. It was almost exhilarating, knowing the only people seeking them out anymore were S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W officials. Unless Blade went as low as to slip this, the chances of them getting found were incredibly low. But Party just gazed at Ghoul, who clutched his wrist, not even glancing in his direction. It was incredibly painful, just seeing him not even able to look anywhere near him. He just wanted to go over to that gorgeous guy, wrap his arms around him from behind, and kiss him. Kiss his cheek, kiss his shoulder, take his bleeding wrist and kiss it. 

But as long as this was going on, he couldn’t. He could barely let himself get anywhere near Ghoul and it hurt. So as the guys left, Party couldn’t take his eyes off Ghoul. He missed him. He missed talking to him and loving him… this made him wish he hadn’t kissed Ghoul that first time and just let them carry on their lives as good friends. He’d still be able to laugh and talk with him. Maybe he’d want to be feeling utterly in love with him, but at least Noir would have had no reason to bring up how he kissed that girl. And maybe right now he’d be happy.

* * *

It had been a few days now since the guys got out of Bat City and the guys were unusually quiet. Party and Ghoul were the life of the group and neither of them were really in the mood to be laughing and joking or doing any of their usual stuff. Party’s hair, color of fresh blood covered his eyes and face. Bags were dark under his eyes. He hadn’t slept, his nights occupied with worrying and quietly sobbing. Plus, the pain from cutting out his tracker hadn’t gone away completely. Not for any of them. They had to make rather deep cuts to get them out and it still hurt, but had finally started to fade.

“Party, I really think you should talk to him,” said Kobra, walking next to his brother. “You’ve been a mess. You at least need the closure that it’s really over.”

“God, I hope it’s not over,” said Party, blinking quickly to keep himself from tearing up. “But I can’t. I don’t think he’s ready and I don’t want to pressure him.

“I’m sick of seeing you hurt,” said Kobra. “Hurt over Ghoul. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss you before all this.”

“What about your smile, Kobra?” said Party, looking at his brother. It was true he hadn’t seen a true smile from his brother in so long. A smile just for the sake of being happy, not because Ghoul told a stupid joke. Not because everyone else was laughing too. Going on, Party said, “I used to smile because of you. I haven't seen you really smile in such a long time. If you managed to bring yourself up enough to the point you were happy, I know I’d smile. Even if Ghoul and I are still… are still like this.”

That triggered the softest grin from Kobra as he broke eye contact, looking forward again. A big smile from Party as he lightly pushed the kid’s arm as he said, “See? That’s all you need to do. Look, it’s working. A smile for a smile.”

Kobra’s smile got a little bigger as he said, “I’ve missed you.” Party rubbed his brother’s arm as he continued smiling and went on. He didn’t notice it, but for what was probably the first time since Noir decided to ruin Party’s relationships, Ghoul looked at Party. He looked at Party briefly but longingly. To see his goofy grin once again, hear his laugh, almost like a hyena but adorable nonetheless at whatever comment Kobra made… The two wanted each other and didn’t even know it. Or how to admit it.

But Ghoul hated himself for wanting Party back. He vowed to himself after being hurt once, by a girl four years ago, he’d never let himself hurt that way again. He’d keep himself away from love forever. Obviously he didn’t listen to his angsty, broken-hearted, 15-year-old self. So he told himself he’d let himself love if he was sure it was with somebody he could trust to protect his heart like it was their own. And he thought that’s what Party would do, but now it felt like a stab through the chest, especially with suffering every single day the feeling of just wanting him back. Oh, to hold him again, it sounded amazing and Ghoul hated that he felt this.

And it took Ghoul back to the most painful moments with the girl who broke his heart. She hadn’t been a Killjoy, which could have been ultimately why things didn’t work out, as he was a Killjoy wannabe at the time, but he knew it was more than that. Her name was Amelia and she was cold-hearted and vain and awful.

One blink and he was taken back to the day he struggled in the arms of the officials who killed his sister. They had finally gotten to him, Amelia just watching as they took him. Her. She had reported him, turned him in for the carbon prize, completely betrayed him for a couple pieces of  plastic.

Tears blurred his eyes as he said, “Am-Amelia--”

She just crossed her arms, a look on her face that showed she had no regrets for what she did. She looked at him and said, “This is a kill or be killed world, Frank. Keeping you with me was a death sentence that I wasn’t willing to risk.”

“Bu-but… but you said you loved me,” sobbed Ghoul, ‘Frank’ at the time. Memories of his given name were all too painful. He had awful memories associated with it. Especially memories of Amelia saying she loved him. And he was stupid enough to believe her. So stupid that at 15, he though he knew what love was. So stupid, he thought she wouldn’t give him up if it meant she could stay alive.

“Psh, I don’t love anyone,” she said, her eyes narrowing. “Take him away, I’ve said what I needed too.”

“No! No, Amelia! No!” he had shouted, fighting and sobbing, trying so hard to get away. He couldn’t believe the girl who he loved with everything he had in him had been able to sell him out like that. He was sobbing as the guys threw him in the back of their truck, not even wanting to try and get out. He had loved her so much, or at least he thought he did. Now he was bitter, he was sad, he was heartbroken… 

What he was feeling now, over Party almost perfectly mirrored what he had felt over Amelia. But somehow, it was worse. He never thought he’d feel worse than he did with Amelia, but that was how he knew he really did love Party. More than he loved Amelia. More than he ever loved anything. And maybe it felt like ultimate betrayal, maybe he didn’t want to talk about the situation yet. But he wanted to start healing. And maybe if he started healing, he’d be ready to talk about it.

“Party?” he said, his voice raw from not being used as often as it was used too. “Hey Party, can I talk to you?”

Party looked over, seemingly shocked that Ghoul was talking to him. He murmured something to Kobra who lightly punched his arm before Party quickly ran over. “Hey, hi, what is it?” Party said, a bit awkwardly. He lightly bit his lip and pushed the long hair out face and it made Ghoul wanted to just melt in his arms and completely forget the past, but from what he learned from Amelia he couldn’t do that yet.

“I--” Ghoul sucked in a quick breath as he went on, “things haven’t been the best for either of us lately. But I don’t want to force Jet and Kobra to suffer cuz the two of us aren’t….”

That caused him to trail off a bit. He broke eye contact briefly before glancing back and saying, “I want to heal. I can’t heal if there’s this cloud of what we used to be lingering over the four of us. But for the time being, I want you to know I still care about you. I still… I still love you.”

“Oh, that’s great because so do I,” said Party, a grin starting to emerge on his face. “If we could just wo--”

“Party, I don’t want to talk about it yet,” said Ghoul. “I just… the two of us need to focus on other things. So both of us can heal.”

Party just nodded,  his smile dropping immediately. After a short awkward silence, he said, “Yeah, that makes sense. I totally get it. It-it’s painful.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No-no, no, don’t worry about it,” said Party, pushing hair out of his face. “I completely and totally understand. Don’t worry.”

Ghoul couldn’t really understand why he was doing this to himself. Well, he did but he also didn’t. He learned from Amelia not to trust so easily and now was hesitant to trust Party again. But he really loved him at the same time and how painful would it really be to just forget the past? This was all so confusing, Ghoul just needed some time to think. To contemplate himself and his feelings. His feelings for Party, his feelings on the situation. And then just maybe it would all be over. Ghoul hoped that’d happen soon. From how much he missed the way things were to his memories of Amelia coming back to haunt him, things were getting to be a bit too much and he longed for someone he could just cuddle into and forget all his problems. Was that really too much to ask?

Apparently. And as the guys headed into Zone 3, Ghoul shivered (not from cold, it was a good 100-something-degrees) but from the haunting feeling of the area. This was where his childhood trauma all was focused. Where his parents tortured him, where his sister died, where he initially met Amelia. So many bad memories for one area that Ghoul was not fond to revisit. But he did anyway, knowing if he could someday let his past go, he’d be okay.

The sun was setting as they entered the zone, Jet saying, “We should set up camp and eat something. You know, start a fire. It gets pretty cold at night.”

“Good idea,” said Kobra. “We need something to burn though.”

“How about you take Ghoul to find something to burn and Party and I can set up camp?” continued Jet. 

Kobra nodded and Ghoul sighed. He really wasn’t in the mood to get his head bitten off by Kobra at the moment and he was likely still pretty angry about the whole ordeal. Unless Party had managed to get him calm, but with the way Party had reacted he didn’t know how Kobra would be. The kid would always get so angry whenever Party was upset. Neither of the brothers could bare to see the other cry and while it was endearing, the two could be a bit scary.

But everything started with Kobra silent as Ghoul lead him on. He knew the place better, having spent most of his life there and the land was still mapped out clearly in his mind. The silence was broken by Kobra, once the two got far enough away from the group. “Did you mean to hurt him?” he said quietly, as if afraid he was afraid of what Ghoul would say.

“I--You know how much I loved--love him,” said Ghoul. “Even now I wouldn’t hurt him for anything. In the beginning I was glad he felt like I did but now I’d do anything to go back. I’d rather just not have known.”

“We’d been talking and you know what he told me?” said Kobra, picking through a pile of rubble, checking to see if any of it was something they could burn. “He told me that to him, death seemed better than life without you. And to be honest, I’m worried he’s gonna start getting bad again. I don’t want to watch his mental health deteriorate all over again.”

“I’ve never wished this on him,” Ghoul went on, hoping Kobra was able to see that putting Party through this was never part of his plan. “It just hurt me so much. I trusted him with things nobody else knows. At least, nobody alive. And maybe he was drunk, but so was I and I didn’t go make out with the first hot girl I saw. How drunk he was doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

“I guess that makes sense. But obviously you’re both still in love.”

Ghoul took a breath, gathering some pieces of cardboard he noticed. “I just need time to think. About everything. And myself and my past… So I can decide what to do.”

“That makes sense,” said Kobra, throwing things in his bag and standing up again. “Seeing Party hurt… is definitely not something I like, but you have feelings too. Feelings Party cares about more than his own.”

“And I hope you and he understand…” continued Ghoul, taking a deep breath. “I really wish it was easier for me to just let this go. But experiences I had in the past really ruined trust for me. I’d love to forgive Party but I just need time.”

“I’ll let him know.”

The rest of the time was pretty silent for the two of them. They finished gathering stuff, not getting their hands on any real wood but a lot of trash they could burn. Without the initial anger, it was hard to justify wanting time away without explaining his past and likely breaking down. But Kobra seemed to understand, also less heated than the day it all went down. The two of them returned to their campsite a little after dark and it had already started getting colder, which made it fortunate Kobra and Ghoul got back when they did. Party seemed to have been talking to Jet, but quieted down the moment he noticed Ghoul. Were they talking about him? Likely, though Ghoul, since Party seemed to be dwelling on everything that had been ruined since Noir dropped the bomb on their relationship.

But as Jet made the fire, quietly chatting with Kobra and Party, Ghoul was silent. Part of him was wondering if he had been too hard on Party. As Kobra had pointed out, the two of them had never been in any sort of official relationship. They were really just simply in love. But then again, wasn’t it a given that they were expected to be faithful? Ghoul though so at least. Was it really an ‘unrealistically high expectation’ to expect his drunk lover to be faithful like Kobra had said? At this point, Ghoul wasn’t sure. But what he was sure about was that he really loved Party and really wanted to be with him still. But was it even possible anymore?


	16. Can I Be the Only Hope For You?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of torture and trauma in a character's past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos to me for editing at like noon cuz i got bored  
> also this chapter is intense, but the end is really fluffy so if you get sad tHAT WILL BE SOLVED!!

Lately, sleep had been coming easier for Party. He thought he’d never get a wink of sleep again since everything that happened and for a period of time, that seemed to be the case, but a good three weeks later, Party was sleeping again. Maybe it was a sign that things were starting to feel a bit better, but when the morning came, Party still felt awful. Maybe it was finally bearable for him to look in Ghoul’s direction, but whenever he did he felt disgusted. Ghoul deserved so much that Party just wasn’t giving him. That Party gave away selfishly.

“You guys ready to get going?” Jet said after everyone had woken up and seemed to be somewhat awake. “We can make some good progress if we get going now.”

“Okay, but can we be careful?” said Ghoul quietly. “I-I don’t want to run into a few things from my past. It was all here in Zone 3…”

“Yeah, sure,” said Jet, as he started to lead the guys on their way.

Party hated how fragile Ghoul seemed as he spoke. Were the things from his past something he had told Party about? The abuse from his parents he had to go through? It must be pretty hard to revisit the place that all happened and Party wished he could go and talk to him. Maybe it’d ease his nerves a bit, but he didn’t want him to get awkward or upset. So he stuck with watching the shorter boy from afar, looking away whenever he glanced in his direction.

But really? Ghoul seemed to be perfectly fine if you ignored the couple anxious glances around. Probably looking to see what was around him, hoping his past hadn’t caught up to him. It was completely understandable, Party didn’t know what he’d do if he or Kobra had to go through the deaths of their parents again. It was so traumatic, especially for little Kobra, who was only 10 and had never experienced serious violence like that before.

But the guys really just expected a calm day of walking. Which didn’t often happen, they’d always run into something but for once, things seemed rather normal. Thankfully. Finally, things felt regular and simple again. Soon enough, they were reaching further parts of Zone 3 and they were completely expecting to get out with no troubles. No one was expecting Ghoul to suddenly panic.

“No, we can’t be here,” he said, suddenly jumpy and anxious. “We need to go somewhere else. We can’t be here.”

“Why not?” asked Jet, stopping at Ghoul’s anxious voice. “You okay?”

Ghoul shook his head. “B-bad things happened here.” He pointed towards a seemingly abandoned hospital with wide eyes.

Hospitals, like Ghoul had first said so long ago, when it was the four of them far in the zones, had always been unsettling to him. And then he had told Party about the abuse he went through in a hospital, the reason he couldn’t stand them. The experiments his mad scientist parents had submitted him to against his will, permanently scarring him. Was it possible this was the hospital he went through everything in? Was this his past finally returning to haunt him?

“I-I can’t be here,” Ghoul said again, slowly backing away. “My-my parents… they were ba-bad people.”

Party wanted to run to Ghoul, to wrap his arms around him, to comfort him, to kiss him softly and tell him it’ll be okay. He was the only one who knew of everything that happened meaning he was the only person able to truly comfort him. But he knew Ghoul wouldn’t want him to so he just looked at him, his expression concerned, trying to fight the urge to reach towards him.

“I’m sorry about that Ghoul, but do you think you can do it?” continued Jet, putting a hand on the boy’s arm in comfort. “I hate that you’re so upset, but we’re so close to Zone 4. Do you think you can handle it until we make it out?”

Ghoul nodded his head, looking horrified and Party hated Jet in that moment for forcing him to be put through this. He knew that if he was in the same area the car crash that killed his parents and brother went down, he would want to leave immediately. Or if Party and Kobra were back in their old neighborhood, where their parents were murdered, they wouldn’t be able to stand it. Who was Jet to tell Ghoul to just ‘handle it.’ Though he didn’t know what Ghoul went through or how traumatizing it was, it was obviously something serious if he couldn’t stand the sight of hospitals.

So they continued on, Kobra noticing Party’s glare at Jet and going up to him. “I’m assuming he told you what happened?”

Party nodded, not breaking his glare and saying, “Yeah. And Jet’s an asshole for forcing him to relive it now.”

“Stay calm… Ghoul seems like he’s doing fine.”

“But we don’t know what’s happening in his mind. What if he’s having horrible, awful flashbacks? He has no one to help him and Jet is just forcing him to go through this.”

“Hey, calm down,” said Kobra again, his voice serene. “It’s okay. He seems fine.”

“I really hope he is.”

But Ghoul wouldn’t be fine. Soon enough, a woman with dark hair like Ghoul (though gray streaks were folded into her low bun) and a lab coat walked from the hospital they passed. She had a look of shock on her face at the boys and stopped them immediately. “Excuse me? Frank, is that you?” she said, going up to Ghoul and running a hand across his jawline.

Now Ghoul was visibly shaking. He wasn’t moving other than that though and just nodded at her question. So his name had been Frank before he changed it, but who was this woman? Could she possibly be Ghoul’s mother?

“Who are you and what are you doing here?” said Party, slowly heading towards the woman defensively. Maybe he and Ghoul were a bit awkward, but he still loved him and was going to protect him, no matter who this woman was.

“I’m Frank’s mother, he didn’t tell you little friends about me?” she said, looking from Party to Ghoul. “You can’t have forgotten me that quickly, can you have?”

“I was nine,” murmured Ghoul. “And you--and you tortured me.”

Kobra and Jet exchanged concerned looks, not knowing what he meant. Party wondered if Ghoul had been ready for them to know about this part of his past. And how much was his own mother, who helped conduct all this, aware of the horrible trauma she left him with.

“Dear, it wasn’t torture,” she said, resting both hands on his shoulders. “It was merely experiments. You didn’t particularly enjoy them, but they weren’t torture.”

“You broke my bones.”

“To see how much it took to break you.”

“You tried to inject acid into my blood!”

“To see if you could handle it.”

“That kills people! You could’ve killed me!”

“Okay, what the hell?” said Jet after hearing this. “I’m finding out you tried to kill him?”

Ghoul’s mother turned to Jet and said, “It was for the sake of science. His father and I would do a number of experiments on him and his older sister. We only looked to get valuable data on what humans, particularly children could undergo. We never intended to kill either of them.”

“Get away from him!” shouted Party, grabbing her arm and throwing it from Ghoul’s shoulder. “Don’t lay a finger on him, you monster. Do you know what your goddamn ‘experiments’ did to him? He can’t go near hospitals anymore because of you!”

Ghoul’s mother seemed to be doing a way better job staying calm than Party. While he was screaming, she was taking deep breaths and calmly speaking. “It’s not my or his father’s fault the memories stayed with him. We didn’t do any research on trauma sticking in the brain.”

Party threw his hands in his head, feeling ready to tear his hair out. “That’s obvious, though! You ever heard of PTSD? That’s pretty much what you left your son here with. Last time I checked, a mother was supposed to be loving.”

“I had children for these purposes and these purposes only,” said Ghoul’s mother, sounding somewhat bitter. “Not to be loving. Sometimes ‘loving’ isn’t the best option.”

“You seem like a pretty shit mother to me,” piped in Kobra finally, after having been silent the whole time. He was slouching slightly with his arms crossed, but seeming far calmer than Party was or how Jet looked, appearing heated and incredibly angry.

But she didn’t respond. She ran her hand lightly over Ghoul’s jawline again, a look in her eyes with an emotion Party didn’t recognize. But it was vile and evil. A thirst for Ghoul’s pain. She was a sadist, that much Party knew. “Dear, where have you been all these years?”

Ghoul closed his eyes and took in a deep breath before saying, “Ba-Battery City. With them. I’m-I’m a Killjoy now. And I’m-I’m living better than I ever would have with you.”

“A Killjoy?”

“Ye-yeah. I’m happier than I ever would have been with you.”

“Well, what about your sister?”

“Don’t even go there!” said Party, aggressively. “You know damn well why they’re not together, don’t make him say it cuz you’re angry he got away.”

But Ghoul’s mother completely ignored Party “Dear, where’s Georgia?”

Ghoul’s response was muttered and inaudible, looking down with eyes full of tears. His mother chided him for speaking to quiet so he raised his voice, almost screaming, “She died, okay? She got killed. You happy now?” 

Ghoul appeared to be trying so hard not to just break down, burst into tears, But he wouldn’t, Party knew. He wouldn’t show weakness around this woman. Finally, Jet walked forward towards her with his teeth gritted and just said, “Get away from him. Now. You don’t own him anymore. He’s 19. An adult. Leave him alone.”

She took her hands from Ghoul’s shoulders and crossed her arms before taking a final glance at her son. “Same scared little boy, huh?” she said before slowly walking back to where she came, the same hospital everything had happened in 10 years ago.

“Let’s get out of here,” said Jet, quickly walking away so he could get Ghoul out of the area.

So they left. And once the hospital wasn’t in sight anymore, the boys decided to rest so Ghoul could calm down. And he immediately collapsed and broke down. Not crying, just shaking. Scared, miserable, trying his hardest to fight tears. For a few seconds, Kobra, Jet, and Party looked at each other, unsure of what to do. None of them really knew how to comfort him. But then Party decided he’d take a risk and go to Ghoul, hoping he wouldn’t snap or push him away. He just sat down by him and said softly,

“I know you might not be ready and I fully understand,” said Party before continuing, “but I though you could use something comforting.”

And leaving it at that, Party took Ghoul and wrapped his arms around him. He half expected Ghoul to push away, neglect any love Party tried to give him, but he didn’t. That was what let the tears loose. He was crying, just leaning into Party. He didn’t say anything, but to Party, it felt amazing. To feel Ghoul in his arms again. He hated to say he was happy, but he felt the most subtle grin on his face as he rubbed Ghoul’s back.

Were things back to normal? Maybe. But even if they weren’t, Party had this little moment with him and if he never had anything else with Ghoul, this was enough. The guys waited the rest of the day, knowing Ghoul wouldn’t be in the mood to travel so Party sat, holding Ghoul until he felt his breathing slow and him get to sleep. Eventually, Party had fallen asleep as well and for the first time in a while, Party felt okay again. Eventually he managed to get to sleep as well and for the first time, he fell asleep without a negative thought in his mind.

But Ghoul wasn’t with him when he woke up. He wasn’t with any of them. He seemed to have just slipped away. Party was the only one awake, looking around nervously, hoping Ghoul didn’t get himself into any trouble. “Ghoul?” he said, trying to get his voice at a tone where he wouldn’t wake up Kobra and Jet, but hopefully something Ghoul would be able to hear. If he happened to still be in the area. But there was no response, scaring Party slightly. So he decided (against all better judgement) to get up to leave. He had gotten near Kobra’s head, but had ended up kicking dust in his face, waking him up.

“Party? What the hell are you doing?” he said groggily as he woke up. “And why are you up before Jet?”

“Ghoul left,” said Party, stopping but still looking over. “I don’t know where he is. What if he’s hurt?”

“Well, now you know what it’s like when you run off in the morning with no warning.”

“At least I leave a note.”

“Sometimes.”

“Shut up, this is serious. I don’t want him to be hurt.”

“Hey, calm down, I’m sure he’s fine,” said Kobra. “Go sit down, he’ll come back soon enough.” 

Though reluctant, Party headed went and sat back down as Kobra lightly nudged Jet awake. “Ghoul left,” Kobra muttered to him when he woke. “Party’s all worried.”

“I wouldn’t put it past him to go away to think,” said Jet. “Especially since he needed to think about everything and then I’d say you two got pretty close last night. He’s probably confused by feelings about you and everything. I think he had finally been getting over you when all this happened.”

“I guess that makes sense,” said Party, wrapping his arms around himself anxiously. He was nervous something happened to Ghoul, he had never been a morning person but had somehow gotten himself up first, managed to get away from Party (who was almost completely wrapped around him) and get out without alerting anyone. 

That was when Ghoul seemed to be coming back, his hands in his pockets and his head down, dark hair covering his eyes. “Hey. Sorry I left,” he said softly.

“Where were you?” Party said, almost immediately, seeming extremely relieved his friend had returned.

“I don’t really know,” said Ghoul, his voice rather monotone and low. “I just… walked.”

“Ghoul, that’s pretty dangerous,” said Jet, crossing his arms, his voice rather stern.

“Ok  _ dad _ ,” came Ghoul in his old sarcastic tone, rolling his eyes. Looks like old him was finally starting to come back. But then he turned to Party and continued, “I… I wanna say something to you.”

Party froze as Ghoul made his way towards him, sitting down before he continued, saying, “I didn’t lie, I was thinking. Thinking a lot. About my past and myself and you and us. And for a bit, I was pretty sure I’d let what once was with us die, I didn’t think I could really trust you.”

“I--” started Party before taking a deep breath and finishing, “That makes sense.” He glanced over at Kobra and Jet who were looking from each other to them, seeming rather uncomfortable. Looking almost as if they felt they were invading. But Party wanted them to stay, if Ghoul were to confirm his fears that they were really done for good, he’d need Kobra.

“But then yesterday happened,” went on Ghoul, clutching his left arm. “With my mom. And how you defended me even after everything. How you comforted me. I guess--” He gulped, his voice breaking slightly as he went on, “I could tell you really love me.”

“I do, I really really love you,” said Party, his voice suddenly desperate. “Kissing that girl is probably my biggest regret. I would do anything to undo it.”

Ghoul rubbed his eyes as if to stop his tears and then looked back at Party and said, “And it made me realize… I love you too much to just try and forget how it feels to be with you. The reason… the reason it had hurt so much is because when I was younger I had this girlfriend… Amelia. I really loved her and she turned me into BL-Ind to make some easy money and it kinda turned me off love until I met you.”

Party softly grinned through tear-filled eyes as Kobra and Jet sat quietly, not sure what to say or how to react to everything. Yes, they were happy the guys would be together again but they felt they shouldn’t be intruding on this moment for them.

But nonetheless, knowing the guys were there, Ghoul went on, “So… so I want to make sure nothing like this will ever happen again. I don’t know if I’ll be able to take it if it does.”

“I’ll do everything in my power to keep myself in line,” assured Party.

“So will I. And all that’s in my power is…” Ghoul took a deep, shaky breath as he went on, “is asking you this… Party, would you officially be my boyfriend?”

Party gasped softly before smiling huge and without saying anything, he pulled Ghoul into a kiss. A long, hard kiss. When it broke, Party said, “Yes, I will, of course.”

Ghoul smiled as well and the two of them looked at each other the same way they did before. With so much love, so much care, so much happiness. Nothing would ever match the euphoria Party always felt around Ghoul and he was okay with that. As long as they had each other, things would be fine. And they were determined to be in love until the end of time.


	17. Wipe Away Those Tears of Blood Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fun fact the only reason i wrote this chapter was because i was watching f.r.i.e.n.d.s (particularly the episode "the one the morning after") and ghoul's reaction to everything felt unrealistic so i whipped this baby up and now here she is, being published  
> enjoy!!

Last week, the impossible had  happened. Party was so sure that he’d never be able to look at Ghoul, call him his baby, call him his lover, ever again. He was overjoyed, taking every opportunity he could to just appreciate Ghoul. But something was different now, obviously. Ghoul was just more cautious around Party, not as eager to respond to kisses and not as affectionate but it wasn’t something that Party didn’t expect. It would obviously take a little while for things to be the way they were before, due to just how big everything was. He wasn’t gonna lie and say he was completely unphased by it, it fucked with his head a little bit but Party didn’t want to focus on himself. He wanted to focus on Ghoul and helping Ghoul feel better about everything.

“How’ve you been doing?” said Jet, walking up to Party and leaning against a lightpost. The guys hadn’t really moved much in the past few days. They had moved a bit but hadn’t at all switched zones.

“I’ve been fine,” lied Party, crossing his arms, sitting down, his legs crossed on the ground. “Don’t go asking me though, you should be asking Ghoul. He’s the one who’s really been having trouble.”

“Hey, I’ve been checking in on Ghoul a ton and don’t think you’ve got anyone convinced this isn’t bothering you too,” said Jet, kneeling down in front of Party. Jet was just really fucking observant, wasn’t he?“I’ve seen your face when Ghoul turns away from you. You’re hurt.”

“Jet, stop.”

“Party, I know there’s something up. I know you don’t want to talk about it to Ghoul but at least talk about it to me or Kobra. C’mon.”

“I guess you’re right,” murmured Party. “I don’t want Ghoul to look at me and see someone he can’t trust. I want him to see me the way he did before if that’s even possible. I miss that.”

Jet went for a hug, clutching Party as he said, “I don’t know if it can really be the way it was, but I can be here for you and help.”

“Thanks,” said Party. He didn’t return the hug, he just sat there with Jet hugging him until he pulled away. “Thanks Jet, I really do appreciate it.”

Jet smiled and patted his shoulder. “Stay strong, dude.”

Party let his weak grin fall when he noticed Jet had gone and he just tossed his head back. He really screwed himself over this time, didn’t he? He managed to get himself on his feet to walk over to his brother, who seemed to be minding his own business as he sipped coffee, looking rather tired and disheveled.

“You don’t look too good,” said Party as he sat down in front of his brother and pushed some of the bleach blonde hair from his face. “Keep it up and people won’t be able to tell whether you’re a Killjoy or just homeless.”

“Shut up,” said Kobra, yawning. “As a matter of fact I just haven’t slept much lately. It’s been hard, I’ve had a lot on my mind.”

“Anything on your mind you wanna talk to me about?”

“Not really.”

“Look, I don’t wanna force anything out of you and I won’t, but if it’s keeping you up, you need to find some way to clear your mind. If we get in some sort of fight and you’re all disoriented, that could be really dangerous.”

“Yeah, true.” Kobra took a sip from the cup of coffee and said, “You had some earlier, right?”

Party nodded before saying, “You think you can get some sleep? I know, I’m one to talk as a professional insomniac but I also care about you guys more than myself so it’s allowed.”

Kobra must’ve been really tired because he didn’t even argue with Party as he added, “Have you seen Ghoul? I wanna… I wanna talk to him.”

“Things have been rough?” said Kobra, taking another sip.

“You could say that,” said Party. “I just… I really need to talk to him.”

“I don’t know where he is, sorry,” said Kobra before calling, “Hey Jet! Where’s Ghoul, Party wants him!”

Jet came over quickly and said, “He told me he was going walking. He said he wanted to think.” Pointing, Jet added, “He started that way. Maybe check there.”

Party nodded and sighed before jogging in the direction Jet had pointed. It was maybe a 15 minute walking distance before he came across a small grove of cactuses and in the middle of the grove, on the sand, laying on his back was Fun Ghoul, palms, to his face, a cigarette in the sand next to him. Party walked up to him and stood, kneeling low and saying, “Ghoul? You okay?”

Ghoul took his hands from his face, revealing cheeks shining from tears. “Party? What are you doing? I needed some time to think alone.”

Ghoul sat up and Party sat down as he said, “And hopefully I’ve given you enough time to think alone. I just wanted to talk to you, Ghoul. Can I talk to you?”

Wiping his cheeks with his striped sleeve, Ghoul said, “Shoot.”

“Well, obviously I love you a lot,” said Party. “But I know you’re still upset. I know you are, don’t try and deny it. I wish I could make it so you didn’t have to be but I understand completely. If I was in your place I would probably feel the same way.”

“It sucks because honestly all I want is to try and make this work,” said Ghoul. “I wanna make  _ us  _ work.”

“I do too.”

“But it’s hard. Because I think of you and I just wish I could think of Party Poison, the most beautiful thing in my life. Party Poison who’d die before he hurt me. But now I just see Party Poison who hurt me without thinking twice. I know it was just a kiss but it so easily could’ve been so much more if Kobra wasn’t there, right?”

“I guess… I guess you’re right,” Party murmured. It was true, Party didn’t know how far everything might have gone if Kobra didn’t stop him when he did. Party could have ended up sleeping with the girl and from there, who knows what might’ve happened. It wasn’t like there was easy access to condoms or birth control so what if he had ended up getting her pregnant? Then what? So many what if’s that could have so easily happened…. made Party even more angry at himself for being so reckless, so absolutely mind numbingly stupid.

“It’s been hard for me to envision us since I found out,” said Ghoul, crossing his arms and hugging himself tight. “It’s really just been you and her that I’ve seen. I don’t want to see it but it’s fucked with my mind to the point where it just so happens to be what I see and it makes me wanna die. Because I know that’s the same guy I love so much.”

“You think you’ll ever be able to see us again? To forget about her and focus on you being with me?” said Party. He took Ghoul’s hand, holding it up and intertwining their fingers with the smallest hopeful smile he could muster as he went on, “We’re official now. Officially together. I’m bound to you. You’re my boyfriend.”

Ghoul grinned and let out a soft chuckle as some tears dripped onto his cheeks. “I love the sound of that. And I really really hope that someday the magic is back, in full power. It’s not gone, it’s just…. it’s been slightly muted. It’s not as strong.”

“I want it to come back fully,” said Party, taking his free hand and wiping Ghoul’s tears with his thumb. “I’ll do anything to make that happen. I’ll swear myself to you forever if it makes us as normal as we can get.”

“Whatever you can do will be good enough for me,” said Ghoul, kissing Party softly on the lips before standing up and going back, clutching his hand. Maybe Party would be able to fix things after all.

* * *

It was the sobs that woke Party late that night. The quiet sobs that felt so loud, though they were almost inaudible. Party opened his eyes and sat up, noticing quickly that Ghoul wasn’t with him. Jet and Kobra were still fast asleep so Ghoul must have been the source. He was sitting, leaning against the same lamppost Jet had been leaning on earlier, sitting on the ground in tears. Party got up and power walked over to him, sitting down and taking him in his arms.

“Ghoul, Ghoul, are you okay?” he asked as Ghoul leaned in, crying. It wasn’t often the guy cried so something must have really been up.

Looking up, Ghoul muttered, “I’ve cried myself to sleep every single night. And I try really hard not too during the day but sometimes I just let it loose. I’ve cried a lot lately.”

“All because of me,” Party realized suddenly feeling awful. He had broken someone who never let themselves break, how was he supposed to forgive himself? He left Fun Ghoul who never cried to cry himself to sleep every night. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I don’t want you to have to cry yourself to sleep. I want you to feel loved. I want you to fall asleep with… with that sweet, soft grin like you used too. I miss that but I know it’s all gone because of me.”

“I tried to hide it from you,” said Ghoul. “I tried so hard. I thought if I hid it from you long enough, it’d stop before we know it and everything would be fine. You wouldn’t have to worry and I’d be happy again…”

“I’m glad I know,” said Party, rubbing the back of Ghoul’s neck. “As your boyfriend, I’m here to protect you. Here I am now, protecting you. Because you’re worth it, babe.”

Ghoul couldn’t bring himself to respond, only allowing Party to clutch his hand once again and Party completely understood. As affectionate a person as Ghoul was, it was rather hard to be affectionate when the person who usually got all the affection had hurt him. But he was trying to make everything better so for now, Party was going to stand by him and kiss him and love him until he was able to bring himself to do it back. So Party raised Ghoul’s wrist to his lips and kissed it softly, feeling the boy shudder at the feeling of Party’s lips on his skin again.

“I don’t want you to be doing this alone,” Party continued, just wanting to get out words he had in his mind all day. “Maybe I’m the cause of this shit but if you really think you’re going through it alone you’re insane. I’m crazy about you and I’m gonna share your suffering and I’m gonna share every bit of pain until you’re okay, that good? Because I’m only really happy when you’re happy.”

“And Kobra and Jet,” said Ghoul, a small grin on his face.

“You’re still one of them, don’t complain,” said Party as he kissed his temples. 

“I know you’ll stay with me through this, so I’m sorry if I put you through hell while you waited for me to come around,” said Ghoul, a last thing before he laid his head against Party’s chest with closed eyes. “I’m gonna give it a try. Try to forget all that shit and just remember….. remember you and all the amazing times we have and we had

“Thank you,” said Party. He knew it was a lot to ask but Ghoul complied, giving it to him. Or he’d at least try too. And whatever Party got, he’d take because he knew second chances were a rarity, especially under these circumstances, But Party loved Ghoul and was determined to stay with him and as he drifted off, couldn’t help think about how goddamn grateful he was Ghoul was giving him this second shot. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was, Ghoul was so forgiving and really wanted to try. What did Party do to get blessed with this boy in his life?


	18. Think Happy Thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys this is one of the longest chapters....... 4.3k words!! That's so long!! Enjoy, it's real eventful!!

Days weren’t always like this. There was a time when people were able to live uninterrupted, before BL-Ind took over. But before BL-Ind took over was when murder was just crawling in the streets. People who displayed too much individuality were killed by BL-Ind and it got to the point where they got fed up with the posters, the warnings, the arrests… and that was when the Analog Wars, better known as the Helium Wars occurred. So much death all around everyone, including Party, Kobra, Ghoul, and Jet. It was shortly after they got together that they decided to serve in the wars, their leader getting brutally killed. What was sad was she had a daughter who pretty much disappeared after the war and her death. Nobody really knew where the child was, but Party had spent a few months searching. They were fairly sure she had died at this point, if nobody was able to locate her in the years following the wars.

But the wars came and went and BL-Ind took over, putting people under their spell. They controlled the minds of pretty much everyone who wasn’t a Killjoy. Their TV programs and pills got in everyone’s minds and suddenly if you weren’t a Killjoy you were one of BL-Ind’s zombies. But in the past few days, some of those zombies, called ‘Draculoids’ were out. They were attacking ‘joys left and right, not sparing anybody. So about midway into Zone 4, the guys stopped at one of the most well-known hideouts among the Killjoy community, a hotel. Somehow, it stayed concealed despite the amount of people who knew about it and people constantly hiding there.

“You sure this’ll be safe?” said Party. “I mean, it’s a pretty well-known spot and Ghoul and I have a pretty penny on our heads. You guys might too, we have no idea what Blade’s done since we left.”

“It’ll get us away from Draculoids,” said Jet, leading the guys into a building. “That’s better than being out. We’ll just stay here a few days, don’t worry.”

“A few days?” continued Party, going in front of Jet to stop him. “Jet, do you know how risky that is? This is such a well-known place, I don’t want someone just strutting in here one day to get us.”

“Party, most Killjoys would never turn in another,” said Ghoul. “Bad experiences aside, I’ve never met a ‘joy who would do that. It’s a pretty close community.”

“I guess that’s true.”

Finally, Party agreed to enter. Once they got in, they realized the hotel was rather full, lots of people around, sitting and talking all over the place. The place had definitely seen better days, with faded and peeling wallpaper, complete with dirty rugs and cracked marble on the floor. That contributed to the ‘abandoned chic’ vibe the whole building gave off. But as long as it was safe, which it was somehow. It became a common hideout that hadn’t got out, thankfully so that’s where the boys decided they’d stay.

As usual, Jet being the group father, he managed to get rooms. They didn’t have too many carbons to spend so Jet got two rooms, turning to Party and saying, “The rooms are connected so you wanna share a bed with Ghoul?”

“Oh, we’re getting beds?” said Party, sounding a bit excited. It had been a while since he actually slept on a mattress. “Oh, but yeah, obviously,” he finished, realizing he hadn’t answered his question.

“I mean, it’s a hotel.” said Jet, counting out some colored plastic before handing it to the bored looking girl at the desk who blew a bubble with her gun and popped it as she took the carbons and grabbed two keycards.

“You know what’ll be really nice?” said Ghoul. “To be able to take a nice bath or something. At least to like dump water over myself. We have the worst hygiene.”

“Oh yeah,” said Kobra. 

“Especially you with your ‘overactive sweat glands,’” said Ghoul, grinning and kissing Party on the cheek as they headed into an elevator.

Party blushed and looked away, saying, “Oh god. You’re right though, I’m a greasy mess.”

The elevator doors opened and the guys walked out. “The rooms are here,” said Jet, taking out one keycard and handing it to Party. “You’re less likely to lose it than Ghoul. You guys are 225 and we’re 226.”

Party swiped the card at the door, entering the room with a deep breath and collapsing onto the bed almost immediately. It was rather soft and a welcome change to the ground. “Ghoul, come over here, this is so nice.”

Ghoul laid on the bed as well, sighing. Jet and Kobra were watching them from the door, smiling and chuckling before Party looked up at them and said, sarcastically, “Hey, do you two mind? Shoo!”

Kobra let out a loud laugh before he and Jet went into the next room, closing their door. “I’m in a good mood,” said Ghoul, leaning his head against Party’s back.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been comfortable,” said Party before he felt Ghoul get up and stretch.

“I’m gonna take a bath,” he said, starting to head over to where a door lead to a slightly messy, but nicer bathroom than the guys had really ever seen.

“Okay,” Party murmured before closing his eyes, just to take a short nap.

He woke up about ten minutes later, still in the bed. He stood up and stretched his arms, before heading to where he assumed the bathroom was, completely forgetting Ghoul had gone in there. When he entered he saw Ghoul sitting in the bathtub, leaning against the tiling. It was slightly grimy, but there was some sort of luxury. There was running water and cute little hotel soaps. For a Killjoy-run place, it was shockingly well-kept. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” said Party, starting to walk back, redder than his hair at this point.

“No, stay,” said Ghoul, when he saw Party’s expression. “It’s about time you and I had a bath together. Come in here with me, it’s nice.”

“You really think I should?”

“Don’t worry about it, baby,” he said with a smile. God, Party loved hearing Ghoul call him ‘baby.’ It made him feel so happy and complete and comfortable… So slowly, he undressed himself and it occurred to him he was 23 and Ghoul was the first person to ever see him naked. It felt a bit strange to be completely naked around another person, especially seeing Ghoul’s grin as he undressed.

“We don’t need to do anything sexual,” Ghoul assured him. “I don’t wanna pressure you into anything. Baths are something small and cute we can do.”

Party didn’t respond, stepping into the tub and sitting down. He laid back against Ghoul’s naked chest, feeling the younger boy’s arms around his chest. He just closed his eyes as Ghoul held him in the bath, neither of them trying to turn on the other or being sexual whatsoever. They just sat together, calmly. After a few minutes, Ghoul started wetting Party’s hair and squeezed some shampoo from the small containers hotels provided into his hand. He lathered it into Party’s hair softly, massaging his scalp and running his fingers through his boyfriend’s hair.

“How does that feel?” said Ghoul, grinning as he rubbed Party’s head and dirty hair.

“So good,” murmured Party, his eyes still closed. For the first time in so long, he felt calm. His breathing was slow, yet steady. Calmer than the usually frantic feeling he always had. And then the addition of Ghoul’s hands in his hair made everything even better somehow.

“Here, open your eyes,” said Ghoul once he had suds covering his hands and Party’s red hair. He dunked Party’s head under water to wash out the soap and held him again. “I love you,” he whispered softly, still running his fingers through Party’s wet hair.

Party still didn’t speak as he felt Ghoul lather his own hair, planting a soft kiss on his arm. It was quiet but once they finished, the got dressed again and laid in the bed together, Ghoul wrapping Party in his arms protectively. He planted soft, sweet kisses on Party’s neck from behind and the two just seemed to drift off to sleep, holding each other close.

But Kobra laid awake after showering in his bed, staring at the ceiling despite the time. It was getting late and he wasn’t tired at all. He’d like to be talking to his brother but even if by chance he was awake, he’d be cuddling with and talking to Ghoul. No way he’d want to end that to talk to his problematic little brother. He looked over at the other bed in the room and saw Jet was sound asleep. He sighed, walking and unlocking the door that lead into Party’s room to peak in. He was right, Party was asleep and as usual, tangled in the smaller boy’s arms, causing Kobra to sigh again. He’d talk to Party in the morning, but the truth was, he really needed to.

He hadn’t brought it up since he knew how depressed Party had gotten when Ghoul was mad at him, but for Kobra things were still bad. Last time he had really talked about his feelings was the day after he puked his guts out. He hated himself that day, finally having his brother back and then forcing the guy to worry about him. Nothing says ‘I missed you, welcome back’ like a suicide attempt.

But all over again he had been jabbing at his arms with his short nails, not doing much but trying to use anything he could to hurt himself. He felt like he deserved this, he felt like pain was the only thing he wanted, he needed. And it was destroying him. He needed to talk to Party and badly. Laying on his bed again, Kobra brushed hair out of his face and covered his eyes with his hands. How was he gonna make it through the night? He had finally closed his eyes and felt the faintest bit of sleep coming to him when he heard Party’s shout from the next room,

“Mikey!”

That caused Kobra to jump. He hadn’t heard that name in so many years, not since he was 16. What could be prompting it to come into Party’s thoughts? He heard hyperventilating from the next year and soft murmurs, probably comfort from Ghoul. Kobra looked over and saw Jet had been thrown awake as well. The two looked at each other before silently going into Party and Ghoul’s room where Party was breathing fast and sweating, his eyes wide as Ghoul tried to calm him down. He looked and saw Kobra, immediately opening his arms and saying, softer this time, “Mikey…”

Kobra went in for the hug, embracing his brother tightly. He felt tears drip onto his shoulder and he pulled away from the hug to wipe Party’s eyes. “A-are you okay?” he said softly.

“I had another nightmare,” said Party, his voice low as the three crowded around him, worried expressions on their faces. “Except it wasn’t a memory this time. You were right in front of me with your gun to your head and I was begging, screaming at you to stop. And then… then you pulled the trigger. And you collapsed, dead, right in front of me.”

Kobra’s jaw dropped as he patted Party’s arm. “I-you know I’d never do that. I’d never put you through that.”

“Are  _ you  _ doing okay?” asked Party, seeming genuinely worried while Kobra just wanted him to stop crying. “I can’t have you die on me.”

Kobra was silent for a moment. There was really something special about their relationship because Kobra really wasn’t doing okay. What kind of coincidence was it that on a night Kobra was feeling scared and miserable, Party just so happened to have an awful nightmare? Finally, he said, “I’ve needed to talk to you. I haven’t been honest about everything since I… since everything happened. I thought you were stressed enough.”

“You still could’ve talked to me,” said Party.

“You could’ve talked to any of us,” added Jet. “You know we’d all listen.”

“And Kobra, I’ve always put you first,” went on Party. “I’d gladly put your worries ahead of mine in a heartbeat.”

“That’s exactly why I didn’t say anything,” said Kobra quietly. “I want you to put yourself first for once. Maybe you care about me a lot but it hurts me to see you in pain because you want to help me. That’s why I’ve been bottling everything up, I don’t want to be put first.”

Party frowned before saying, “But I want to put you before me. It’s okay, you know. I’m fine right now. Please talk to me.”

“In the morning.”

At that, Kobra left the room, Jet seemingly trying to talk to him. Ghoul still had his arms around Party who still looked horrified. Once he was sure Kobra was gone and the door was shut, Ghoul looked at Party and muttered, “I promise you, he’ll be okay. He can last the night.”

“I hate that he didn’t tell me stuff was going on because he thought he’d stress me out,” said Party. “I hate it when he doesn't talk to me. I just don’t want him to do something, especially after my nightmare… I’ve seen him with a gun to his head before, in real life too, if that were to become reality…”

“Hey, hey, hey,” muttered Ghoul. “It won’t, I promise. We all love Kobra and we’re all gonna help him, trust me.” That was when Ghoul went in for a kiss, it starting small and sweet as a way to comfort Party, but it soon turned into a full-on makeout session. Ghoul knew what got Party and did what he knew would satisfy the boy as he went overtop the Party and lightly held him against the headboard. He lightly nibbled Party’s bottom lip, knowing that drove him insane and he felt Party grip his thighs tightly. He slipped his tongue into Party’s mouth, exploring every nook and cranny as he did each time they made out and as usual, Party seemed to be loving it. He murmured something that sounding like, “I love you,” as Ghoul kissed him, doing everything he knew would get Party to squeal. He nibbled the boy’s lip again before moving to Party’s neck, hearing a soft whine from Party’s mouth, missing Ghoul’s kiss. But Ghoul sucked and kissed at Party’s neck, causing him to lightly giggle.

“That tickles,” he muttered, squeezing Ghoul’s legs. “But keep going.”

And so he did, going on and going farther. Giving Party all he wanted, all he begged for and more. He wanted to hear Party scream his name, but he went easy on him for tonight.

And though it was easy, it was beautiful.

* * *

The next morning, Party woke to the feeling of Ghoul wrapped around him once more. His arms clutched him tight, lightly gripping rolls of fat near his belly and his head in the crook of Party’s neck, sleeping soundly. Party was naked and confused for a second before smiling, remembering the night before. He had decided it was finally time to give himself away to someone and if Ghoul wasn’t the perfect person, he didn’t know who was. He pulled up Ghoul’s hand and kissed it softly. This guy was perfect.

“Party?” came Kobra’s voice, small and innocent as he opened the doors. Party turned around in Ghoul’s arms as much as he could to turn to face Kobra. He smiled at him and Kobra’s face was rather comedic when he saw Party’s shirtless torso. He was never shirtless, so this came as a bit of a shock.

“Do you guys want… do you guys want some sort of privacy?” said Kobra again, walking back.

“No, it’s fine,” Party said, adding a small, “Hey babe, I’m getting up, ‘kay?” with a small kiss to Ghoul’s head before starting to grab the clothes that had been thrown on the floor. Kobra had turned away awkwardly so he wouldn’t get a peek at parts of his brother he really didn’t want to see. Ghoul reached out and took Party’s arm.

“Come back to sleep,” he murmured softly, using his free hand to pull the comforter up so it reached about midway up his body. 

“I need to talk to Kobra,” said Party, kissing his hand. “You know. I’ll be back soon.” He got up as he put on a plain t-shirt and going to walk towards his brother. “We can go get coffee downstairs if you want while we talk.”

“That’d be great,” said Kobra, as Party kissed Ghoul’s forehead one last time and muttered something to him before walking out with his brother.

“Were we loud last night?” asked Party once the two got in the elevator. He was slightly worried that he and Ghoul were obnoxious, but he didn’t think about it until after they had finished, when Ghoul had pointed out how vocal Party had been. He said he had loved it but he wasn’t so sure it would be enjoyable for those listening.

“Were you two…?”

“Yeah, we were.”

“Oh! Oh, that explains a lot. You were loud, you got that right.”

“I am so sorry,” Party said, turning just about as red as his hair. “That’s probably not something you wanted to hear.” Party knew he wouldn’t want to hear Kobra’s moans and squeals so Kobra probably didn’t want to hear his.

“Nah, it’s fine, you and Ghoul deserved some fun,” he said as the two of them walked out of the elevator to grab coffee. The two smiled and chuckled as they put coffee in a coffee maker and started to brew it before Kobra said, “I’m so glad you’re in love. It shows a side of you I didn’t think you had.”

“I didn’t want to believe it at first,” said Party, taking a long sip from his coffee cup. “I was scared. Because it's hard to trust someone with your heart. And we’ve definitely been through a lot and suffered a lot in this short amount of time but we’ve also loved a lot. I’m so glad I gave him my heart.” But then Party remembered what they needed to be talking about and his face suddenly became very serious. “But Kobra, this isn’t supposed to be about my love life no matter how much I love talking about him. This is about you. Now Kobra… are. You. Okay?”

“Not lately, no.”

After Kobra took a sip of his coffee, Party grabbed his arms, rolling up his sleeves to see if he had any new injuries. He pointed at some nail grooves and said, “Kobra, what’s this? Please tell me you haven't been hurting yourself again.”

Kobra just guiltily broke eye contact and Party gasped, rubbing the little cuts on his brother’s arm. “Kobra… Kobra Kid…” when Kobra still didn’t look back at him, Party got more desperate. “Mikey…” he said, getting no response other than a shudder. “Michael James Way! You haven’t heard that name in forever, huh? Well, that’s because I’m fucking worried about you. You can’t keep hiding your emotions.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You know what hurts more than knowing you’re struggling? You think you know? Later finding out that you’ve been letting… been letting things get  _ this  _ bad. Kobra, it’s been so long since things got really bad for me, trust me I can handle it.”

Kobra had no arguments anymore, using his free arm to take a sip from his coffee cup. “I’m sor--”

But Party intrerupted almost immedietly, “I don’t want your fucking apologies. What the hell do you have to apologize for? I’m just pissed because I’ve already nearly lost you three times. How long’ll it be before I actually lose you? That’s what’ll really hurt me, Kobra. Seeing you dead one day because you desperately needed support and didn’t reach out.”

“I’ll-I’ll try and talk to you.”

And then to Kobra’s surprise, Party just hugged him quickly. “I love you, kid. I hope you know that. I’m sorry I snapped, I’m scared and angry and I don’t wanna lose you.”

Kobra gave the smallest, most awkward smile (which seemed to be the biggest he could muster) saying, “Yeah, love you too,” before the two headed back, coffee in hand. They were pretty silent on the walk to the elevator and the ride to their floor. In fact, they were silent up until Part scanned his card and opened the door. But the moment Party opened the door, Ghoul ran to Party in a yellow and green blur. He wrapped his arms tight around Party’s shoulders and just hugged him tight.

“What’s this about?”

Squeezing Party, Ghoul said, “Jet told me what you and Kobra were talking about. It’s the kind of conversation you need a hug coming back from.”

Party wrapped his arms around Ghoul’s waist and rested his head on Ghoul’s shoulder. “You’re so sweet,” he muttered into Ghoul’s neck, planting a small kiss on the indent between his where his shoulder ended and his neck started. Ghoul shuddered slightly at the kiss, it was that spot that always got him going when they were making out if Party were to kiss down his neck.

Kobra frowned, standing behind Party as he walked back over to his own room. While it was great to see Party happy and in love, sometimes he wanted the attention. He wanted Party to focus on him, not just forget about him whenever Ghoul came around.

But he knew he couldn’t change Party and he wouldn’t even if he had the power. He cared for his brother too much. So why bother?

Not noticing Kobra had left the room  to give them a bit more privacy, Party said as he continued hugging Ghoul until finally he broke it and lead him to sit on the bed, brushing a strand of hair from his face and behind his ears. “Can I talk to you?”

“Obviously.”

“I….I really want Kobra to be okay. I hate worrying about him all the time, I just want him to realize his worth. That I, and all of us love him so much. It sucks because I really can’t live without him. The thought of him dead…..” Party shuddered, hating even the slightest implication that he could lose Kobra. 

“Hey, baby, you don’t have to talk about it if it hurts,” Ghoul said, rubbing his arm.

“I need to talk about it.”

“Then go ahead.”

“I just…” Party sighed before going on, “He’s my brother. My little brother. You know how much I care about him and how much I….” breathing deeply, Party added, “you know, it sometimes makes me think BL-Ind isn’t completely in the wrong.”

“That you’re wrong about,” said Ghoul, his voice adopting a somewhat bitter undertone. BL-Ind robbed him of his sister and caused him so much trauma, of course a statement like that set him off a bit.

“Wait, just hear me out,” continued Party. “I don’t mean they’re at all good people and it’s not right for them to try and control people but… but those pills. They take away bad emotions, leave a person with nothing but happiness I guess. For a bit I almost considered getting them for Kobra. I know they kinda take all emotion from a person, make them a robot, a slave to BLI… but I just want, for a second, for Kobra to live without the sadness and distress… I want him to be happy.”

“You’d go through BLI’s shit and get him personality removing pills… just to see him not depressed?” Party nodded and Ghoul said, “Wow…”

“I know, I didn’t believe it either.”

“I don’t like it when he’s sad,” went on Party. “It’s always just heartbreaking, he… he doesn’t deserve this shit. He deserves all the happiness in the world but I know I can’t just say a few words and suddenly he’s happy. That’s not how this works, I’d know. I just… I wish I was able too. And what sucks is when everything started for him, he was 12. In the beginning I didn’t take care of him at all and now things have gotten bad and won’t go away and it’s entirely my fault.”

Suddenly alarmed, Ghoul’s eyebrows furrowed and he said, “Wait, what do you mean?”

“Well, I was 15 when he was 12. For me from ages 14 to 16 I was really bad. Like really bad. I was suicidal and depressed all the time and it wasn’t good. I knew he was suffering but instead… instead of helping him like I would now, I didn’t do anything. I hid from his problems and exposed him to mine… Seeing everything happen to me made him worse. If I had just put him first maybe right now things wouldn’t be happening. Maybe he’d have been able to handle it. If I had helped him.”

“Hey, you don’t need to worry about it,” Ghoul said, softly kissing him on the cheek. “You were a kid, you were scared. You can’t change what you might’ve done in the past but do you know what you can do? You can help make Kobra happy in the future. Help him have the best life he possibly can in this world. “I promise you, you’ll do it and you’ll do it right.”

“God, I love you so much,” said Party. He planted a small kiss to Ghoul’s lips and felt Ghoul’s soft smile as their lips broke apart. Party smiled back. Ghoul would support him no matter what, no matter how horrified he was for his brother and Party was thankful. Maybe he was miserable but at the same time, he was happy.


	19. Look Alive, Sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not sure if this will actually post, ao3 goes down like i think 45 minutes after im supposed to post this so fingers crossed it works

Another day and Party was on coffee duty, waiting for it to slowly drip into cups. “Are you almost finished?” asked a girl, walking up behind him. Her voice was slightly familiar but Party just turned and said,

“Oh, sorry, I’m getting it for three guys with me too,” he said, turning around. Then he recognized the girl immediately and his eyes widened for a split second. She was the girl he had kissed at that bar and somehow she was even more gorgeous without the alcohol influence. He remembered his hands in her black hair, now styled in pigtails and the taste of her blood red lips… so sweet and soft.

“Ah, I can wait,” she said, seemingly not recognizing him as easily as he did with her. They were quiet a few minutes before she said to him, “You’re Party Poison, right?”

“Ye-yeah,” he said, brushing hair behind his ear. “Why?”

“No way!” she said, laughing. “No way, you’re from that bar, aren’t you? We kissed?”

Party blushed about the same shade of her bright red lip gloss. “I-I remember.”

“No. Way!” she said again, a smile on her face as she laughed. It was a pretty smile, Party wouldn’t lie. As much as he loved Ghoul, he had thought about her. He had wondered where she was, how she was doing. And now, by chance, they had showed up at the same hotel. “How’ve you been?” she finally added. “That sure was… wow, a night to remember.”

“Yeah,” said Party with a small chuckle. “I’ve been pretty good. My crew and I finally broke away from the city. And--I never got your name while we were in that bar.”

She smiled before saying, “Oh, right. Black Iris. Call me Iris.”

“Black Iris… that’s beautiful,” Party said, holding out his hand. “I think it’s time we had a formal introduction. Hello, I’m Party Poison, Party.”

She took his hand and shook it, saying, “Nice to meet you, Party.”

“You too.”

Party finished off the last cup of coffee before saying, “If I run this up to the guys, would you wanna… talk for a bit? Get to know each other?”

Iris placed one of the throwaway paper coffee cups under the machine and started brewing a cup before saying with a pretty smile, “That actually sounds great.”

So Party quickly but carefully ran four cups of coffee to their room, setting it down and seeming in a bit of a rush to leave once he made it back.

“Hey, why don’t you stay awhile?” said Jet sarcastically as Kobra enthusiastically grabbed his cup of coffee.

“I met someone downstairs. Told them I’d be right back,” said Party, already halfway out the door. It wasn’t a full lie. He didn’t even know Iris’s name when he kissed her so technically he was meeting her for the first time. Plus they were both sober this time around.

So Party hurried downstairs where he saw Iris waiting, leaning against one of the couches in the waiting room. Her smile grew when she saw Party, taking another sip from her coffee cup as he walked over. “How long have you been here?” she asked once he got close enough.

“Not long,” said Party. “A few days.” Not long, but long enough for him to share an endearing bath and a first time with his lover and for his brother to go through hell and back because of him. For the Fabulous Four, this was an ordinary week.

“My crew and I just arrived here,” said Iris. “Draculoids invaded our ‘hideout.’ It’s crazy, BLI is having some sort of mass extermination anywhere Killjoys frequent. I’ve seen so many people I love bodybagged by them.”

“We actually came here to hide from the Draculoids.”

“So many people have. We’ve been staying in an old church right in the early areas of Zone 6. But they’re stripping down the whole Zone for ‘joys.”

“That’s horrible.”

“It really is. I hope they don’t mess it up too badly, once you put yourself somewhere it’s hard to find a new place.”

“Yeah, I know how that is. We’re trying to find somewhere new after leaving the city.”

A small grin crossed Iris’s lips as she said, “If you’re heading to Zone 6, there’s this diner… I don’t know if it’s completely abandoned or not, but it seems like a pretty nice place to settle.”

“Oh, that sounds nice actually,” said Party. “I’ll let the guys know when we’re leaving.”

“It’s pretty close to our old place actually,” she added. “If you guys come along with us when you’re leaving, we could help you get there.”

“Oh, that’s great, thanks,” said Party. Even though he hadn’t been expecting it, he was genuinely glad this girl wasn’t making any moves on him. She didn’t know about Ghoul so if she had, he could just simply say ‘I have a boyfriend’ but her not doing anything saved a conversation from being made awkward.

Once Party had finished his coffee, he decided he better go back to the boys. He was pretty smiley when he got back, pretty happy he had met Iris. She seemed sweet and he hoped they’d keep talking to each other and when he returned, the guys were all talking and Kobra turned his head back, his back facing Party. “Long time no see,” he said, sarcasm clear in his voice.

“I told you, I met someone,” said Party, plopping himself down by Ghoul and leaning into his shoulder. “Her name’s Black Iris, she’s pretty cool.”

“What was so interesting about her?” asked Jet, the tips of his lips forming a smile. “You’re not really the ‘lounge and talk with a stranger’ type.”

Well, having no way to respond other than the truth, Party admitted, “Okay, she was… she was that girl I kissed at the bar--”

Pushing Party off him, Ghoul sat up straight and looked at him with a disgusted look, “No! Nuh uh, I won’t have this. You’re my boyfriend, Party.”

“We didn’t do anything,” said Party. “Just hear me out. She didn’t even hit on me or anything. She actually told me she and her crew knew of a place we could stay once we leave here. In Zone 6.”

“You really think we can trust her?” said Ghoul, his voice suspicious.

“Wasn’t it you who was telling me Killjoys can be trusted?” said Party with the faintest hint of a grin.

“Touche,” Ghoul responded quietly before raising his voice to say, “But she kissed you. I don’t want you to fall for her or something. Or for her to try anything.”

“Ghoul,” said Party, kissing him lightly. “I love you. I’m not going to fall for her, don’t worry. I’m yours.”

Kobra and Jet looked at each other and smiled before Kobra said, “Ghoul, you shouldn’t ever doubt for one second that Party is anything other than 100% devoted to you. I’ve never seen someone make him as happy as you make him.”

“I know, but I worry,” said Ghoul. “I can’t lose you, baby.”

That got another kiss from Party with the soft whisper of “You won’t ever.”

* * *

Now, in the more recent days a cold spell had hit the Zones. It wasn’t unlike the Zones to have the world’s most bipolar weather, one day being a good 110 ° and the next day hitting -80 ° . Though snow was a rarity, mostly because so was rain so there never was anything to come from the sky even when it was warm. But the worst part of the cold season was that the hotel just so happened to have no heating system so the guys were all huddled in their rooms freezing.

“Pa-Party, did you ta-take m-my jac-jacket?” asked Kobra walking in the room, shivering with chattering teeth in nothing but a white tank top, showing just how thin he really was. This kid really was just skin and bone.

Party looked up, in Ghoul’s arms, in fact wearing Kobra’s jacket over his own. Ghoul had fallen asleep, practically passed out from the cold, wrapped in the bed’s blankets. “Maybe,” said Party, pulling a blanket further over his chest. 

“Gi-give it to m-me,” said Kobra, rubbing his arms quickly. “It’s fu-fucking freez-freezing. Wha-what do you think I a-am? I god-d-d-damn volcano?” He sneezed at the end, getting a smile from Party.

“You have the world’s most adorable kitten sneeze, I swear to god” Party said, cuddling back into Ghoul’s arms. “Go snuggle with Jet or something,”

That seemed to heat up Kobra, his cheeks turning red as he said, “Ju-just give me my ja-jacket bi-i-itch.”

Rolling his eyes into his head, Party sighed and said, “Fiiiine, take it.” He took off Kobra’s yellow jacket and tossed it at the kid. He put it on, seeming grateful for the slight warmth. Leather wasn’t the best material to be wearing in the cold weather but it was definitely more warming than a skintight white tank top. “Hey kid, go get Jet. We should like huddle together like penguins or something. Like a fucking cuddle party.”

Kobra raised an eyebrow, almost laughing as he went to grab Jet as Party lightly nudged Ghoul awake. “Hey baby?” No response. “Hey?” Still nothing. “Up, bitch!”

Ghoul opened his eyes and laid his head on Party’s shoulder. “I’m up,” he murmured, barely audible.

Jet and Kobra walked back in and Party opened his right arm saying, “Get in here, guys. It’ll help us stay warm, trust me. Penguins do it.”

“And obviously penguins are the superior species,” said Jet with a grin and a laugh.

“Duh!”

Kobra immediately dived into Party’s arms, clutching and taking in what little body heat Party had. They all needed it. “Communal body heat,” joked Ghoul, his voice weak with a loud cough.

Party looked at Kobra, who had his arms wrapped around Party below his elbows leaving him appearing shorter than he really was. As Jet wrapped his arms around Kobra and Ghoul, completing the circle, Party lightly rubbed Kobra’s back and said, “It’s like we’re kids again. Whenever we went to sleep and you were too scared? When you had nightmares.”

“Or when you had terrors,” added Kobra. “I remember.”

“Nostalgia!” said Party, slightly overdramatically.

“Not exactly the word I’d use to describe the feeling.”

“Been awhile since it’s been this cold,” said Jet. “I mean it snowed a while back but I was a kid last time I remember being freezing like this.”

“You’re right,” Kobra said before sneezing again. 

“Awwwwww!” Party let out loudly, smiling earning the most playful possible glare from Kobra. Ghoul groaned, clutching Party. Party rubbed his back before adding, “Ghoul, you feeling okay?”

Ghoul shook his head, shivering. Party placed a hand on his forehead and said, “Oh wow, he’s really warm.”

“I-I’ve always had a shi-shitty immune system,” he said with the smallest chuckle that seemed to be all he could muster. 

Party kept rubbing his back as the guys stayed huddled together. “Hopefully it’ll be a bit warmer tomorrow so Ghoul can get better. I was hoping we could get going soon.”

“Me too,” said Party. “Everyday I’m getting more and more paranoid that the Draculoids’ll find this place. Is that really so far fetched?”

“I guess you’re right,” said Jet. “Hopefully Ghoul gets back on his feet soon. He needs to be warm for that to happen though.”

“Party can keep me warm,” muttered Ghoul, leaning more into Party until he was completely on his lap. 

“Gladly.”

Jet grinned and said, “Party, we don’t want you getting sick as well.”

“He’s such a cutie though.”

Jet rolled his eyes as Party took handfuls of Ghoul’s hair as he rubbed his head. “We can’t have everyone getting sick.”

“I won’t!” promised Party, lightly pressing his lips to Ghoul’s hairline.

Jet smiled at Kobra before looking back at the guys and nodding. “We’ll see.”

The next day was slightly warmer and kept getting warmer all day until it was still cold but bearable. Ghoul was still sick and seemed not to be getting better but he didn’t seem that sick. Just a cold, probably. This all caused Party to wonder what sick days would be like if the two had met in another time. Before BLI took over. If they had fallen in love before the world became a living hell. Would sick days be simply cuddling with a movie in their home? Not laying together on a hotel bed, worried that any minute they could get caught by insane men after them and killed. Party longed for the day he and Ghoul could be a sweet movie couple but he thought that might never happen. 

But though it was true being able to be in love without fear wasn’t possible, Party would take what he could get. The day had been slow for the most part though, Party spending his day lounging around and holding Ghoul and comforting him. Eventually, Kobra peeked in and said,

“Am I interrupting anything?”

“No. please come in!” said Party. “Ghoul’s asleep and sick and I’m bored as hell.”

Kobra let out a soft chuckle before saying, “Jet went out to get coffee. Said he’d be back in a minute so I thought I’d see what you were doing.”

“Taking care of this loser,” said Party as he planted a soft kiss on Ghoul’s forehead. Ghoul softly giggled in response. “So you’re not dead? What a shame,” added Party sarcastically after hearing his small murmur of ‘Am not!’

“He doing better?” asked Kobra, rubbing his arms, still seeming pretty cold.

“”Yeah, he’s been talking more. It feels like he’s living a fever dream though,” said Party. When he noticed Kobra’s shivers he added, “You want my jacket? I have some blankets and a guy with a high body temperature so I should be fine.”

Kobra grinned small and said, “I think I’m still recovering from you stealing mine yesterday.”

“It’s not my fault you live in muscle tanks and have virtually no body fat.”

That got a real laugh out of Kobra as he said. “You’re so annoying.”

“I try.”

Kobra laughed again which caused Party to say, “You know, I don’t remember the last time I heard you laugh. Like really laugh, not a quiet one or a forced one or a ‘that’s kinda funny’ air through your nose one. Like your real laugh.”

“I mean, you’re a pretty funny guy,” said Kobra. 

“I mean, I agree, but you’re  _ laughing.  _ Mr. Poker Face is smiling at me right now and laughing.”

“That’s something that typically happens to people with you around,” said Ghoul, seeming to have gotten himself up a bit. “You’re a ray of fucking sunshine.”

Party smiled in response saying, “I love you guys.”

“He’s not wrong,” said Kobra. “You never hesitate to bring me back up when I’m down.”

At this point, Party was blushing like crazy and smiling huge, but that was about when Jet came back saying, “How’s Ghoul doing?”

“Great,” said Party, grabbing one of the cups. “You’re back in perfect timing, he’s awake.”

“Good, I brought him coffee.”

Ghoul sat up and took the cup, the boys talking more and grinning. It was still cold but warming slowly and for the first time in a bit, every one of them was careless. And boy, did it feel nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thought i'd finally mention that iris's character is actually based off lyn-z!! this isn't any hate to her as gee's wife of course, i love her and their relationship, it was just who happened to come to mind when i was designing her character :)


	20. I'd Encourage Your Smiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ngl i was ecstatic to post this cuz i had a shitty week and comments from you guys always cheer me up :)

It wasn’t long before Ghoul was getting better and the guys were ready to get out of the hotel. They had spent a few days too long and Party was starting to get jittery, sick of the peeling wallpaper and moldy carpet. He was probably more ready to leave than all of them. It was him who lead the four out of the building and happened to find Iris talking with a group of people. She seemed to quickly say something before going over to the guys.

“Party, this your crew?” she said, smiling, her hair styled in messy pigtails the way it was the day at the coffee maker. Her lips were more subtle today, dark coral rather than bright red but still remarkably pretty.

“Yeah,” he said, motioning to the guys as he introduced them. That’s Fun Ghoul, Jet Star, and Kobra Kid. Ghoul, Jet, and Kobra.”

“Nice to meet you guys,” she said with a smile. “I’m Iris.”

Kobra and Jet each shook her hand, giving a friendly greeting but Ghoul stood with his arms crossed, a bitter look on his face. Of course he’d still be mad at her, with his temper he’d be angry at her forever. Hopefully he wouldn’t snap or go crazy like he occasionally did.

“Looks like it’s gonna be just me taking you guys to that Zone 6 diner,” said Iris, hands on her hips. “We just came back from our church, we had gone to check, Draculoids left the place a dump. They’re not willing to head back yet.”

“As long as you have a place for us,” said Jet. “We need one.”

She grinned, saying, “The diner is still intact, I made sure to check. Don’t worry, you guys’ll be somewhere soon enough.”

“Party, I don’t know if I trust her,” muttered Ghoul. “I just… don’t like her.”

“Because you know about our history, I bet,” Party said back to him. “Don’t worry, my heart is yours,” he added as he took Ghoul’s hand and squeezed it

“If she makes a move on you, I swear to god…”

“If she does, I’ll tell her off. Let her know I already got the person of my dreams.” Party lightly pressed his forehead to Ghoul’s and a small kiss to his lips.

“You’re the sweetest,” said Ghoul softly.

Party smiled, still holding Ghoul’s hand as Jet and Iris talked. “It’s close?” asked Jet, seemingly more nervous than he usually seemed.

“Not too far into Zone 6,” responded Iris, her arms crossed and her face neutral. “Definitely one of the closer areas to stay.”

“Good, I don’t want to be out too long,” continued Jet, fulfilling his role as the dad of the group. “You know, cuz of the Draculoids. It’s dangerous as hell.”

“Yeah, tell me about it,” Iris said with a sigh. “Little shits are everywhere.”

That was about when they all headed out. It was a bit quiet at first as Iris lead them out, until she decided to say, “Really the only one of you I’ve sort of gotten to know is Party. We should get to know each other a bit.”

Ghoul shot a glare at her back before looking at Party as Kobra said, “Well… we’ve been a crew for about four years. I’m Party’s brother--”

“And I’m his boyfriend,” chimed in Ghoul loudly, making sure it was known. “In case you were thinking about trying anything.”

“Wow, subtle,” muttered Party to Ghoul. He loved the guy but it was true he could be a tad bit possessive. Especially now.

Iris laughed before saying, “I wasn’t gonna, don’t worry. I kinda got the message, seeing you two before we left. Holding hands and pecks on the lips. Those are pretty boyfriend-y gestures.”

“See, you didn’t have to freak out,” Party said, bumping his side into Ghoul’s slightly, still holding his hand.

“Just making sure it’s known.”

Iris smiled. “How long have you two been together?” she asked, not skipping a beat.

“Not long,” said Party. “Officially, only a few weeks but longer non-official.”

“And he’s completely off limits,” said Ghoul defensively. “Exclusive to me.”

“She gets it, chill,” said Kobra. 

“I know, but people gotta know,” Ghoul continued, “that Party is mine. Just mine.”

Party smiled, pecking him softly on the lips and intertwining their fingers. “You know I am, dork.” At that Party lightly touched his lips to Ghoul’s.

“Sorry about him,” added Jet to Iris. “He means well, I promise.”

“It’s fine, it’s fine,” Iris responded with a small chuckle. “I get it. He’s in love.”

“I wish I could say he’s not always like this,” said Kobra, looking up. “But he is, he is always like this. It’s endearing but…” He turned to Ghoul before saying, “Damn, you really can’t keep your hands off him.”

Ghoul grinned and said, “What can I say, I was made for him.”

The conversation after that went in a different direction with Jet asking her a lot about her crew. Kobra was pretty quiet as usual and Party tried to engage with her and Jet, with Ghoul hanging on him the entire time. 

“Have you guys ever been to Zone 6 before?” asked Iris, glancing back as Party, Ghoul, and Kobra shook their heads at each other.

“I was raised in the desert,” said Jet. “My brother and I grew up around six and five.”

“Really? I didn’t know that,” said Party. He and Jet has been working together for almost five years and he knew barely anything about the guy. It was just recently when he and Ghoul had really started to learn about each other. It was true none of them really talked about where he grew up. Party himself hated talking about it, the memories he got back of him and Kobra’s childhood. But then there were the good memories he’d never talk about. They were there but he never talked about them. There was something about the good memories that brought him back and he really didn’t like the idea of it. They brought him back to a dark place.

“Zone kids are usually idiots,” said Ghoul, matter-of-factly.

Jet let out a loud laugh before saying, “I mean, I’m more logical than the four of you combined.”

“Yeah, that he’s not wrong about,” said Kobra, letting out a faint chuckle.

“We’re an odd group if you haven’t already noticed,” went on Jet, as if it was a warning. 

“Oh, what I’ve seen isn’t half as bad as the guys in my crew,” said Iris with a chuckle. “They’re insane, trust me.”

“Well so are we so I bet we’d all get along,” said Party, grinning as Ghoul threw an arm around his shoulders. “We should meet sometime.”

“I think that’d be chaotic.”

“Everything in our lives is chaotic,” said Party with a small chuckle. “Nothing wrong with adding a little more spice to the mix.”

“That might be one of the weirdest things I heard you say about other people,” said Kobra, a bit quietly with a chuckle, sunglasses on, not even making eye contact with him.

“No, no, remember that time I called Ghoul a ‘fuckwad of old gum from under my shitty second grade desk,’” he said with a laugh.

“I remember that,” Ghoul loudly laughed before saying. “You were drunk as hell and you got so pissed at me for beating you in fucking monopoly!”

Jet turned around and while walking backward said, “That’s not even on the top ten list of ‘Shit Party’s Said While Drunk.”

Iris’s eyebrows raised as she said, “Oh my god, how often does he get drunk?”

“Not as often as he used to,” murmured Kobra, still looking down. This was a rough topic for the two of them especially since Party had a bit of an alcohol addiction the years before and it had stopped slightly but Party still drank, obviously and things would occasionally get out of hand. Party wasn’t a violent drunk but he was a loud drunk. A bit of an extra drunk. He wasn’t violent but as seen in the past, he’d take things too far. And he’d fuck things up. And it almost never ended well for him. He’d always drink more when things were bad, but recently he hadn’t drank lately and he was genuinely happy about that.

“He says some pretty stupid shit when he does,” said Ghoul. “Once the four of us were in a bar, m’kay? There was this group of blonde people, I’m not sure why. But he was really really drunk, like almost black out drunk but still not so drunk he’d forget. He just screamed ‘The communists are here,’ in like the most horrified voice.” That triggered a bit of a laugh from Iris before Ghoul went on, “That’s not even the best part--” which got a groan from Party before Ghoul finished up. “Literally he tried to run to them, Kobra and Jet held him back, I was just laughing, and he shouted, ‘You’ll never get me, comrade!”

“He actually said that?” said Iris, hand going to her mouth. 

“He actually said that!’ repeated Jet, everyone laughing but Kobra. No matter how hilarious the story was, he always hated talking or hearing about his brother when he was drunk. 

Other than that, the rest of the trip was stories from everyone. Stories from Iris about her crew, stories from the boys from years before and they all had a good laugh. They eventually came up to the diner, a cute old-fashioned looking diner. A red roof with white walls, red lines down the sides.. 

“Cute,” said Jet, walking forward towards the door.

“Looks like Party,” said Ghoul, following him. “Slightly more attractive.”

It was one of Ghoul’s favorite jokes, saying anything red looked like Party due to the hair. He followed the younger, shouting, “Get over here you little shit!” as he grabbed Ghoul and kissed him richly, feeling Ghoul’s laugh blend into his kiss as he returned it, smiling huge.

“Disconnect, lover boys,” said Kobra grabbing the collar of Party’s jacket and pulling Party towards him. “Look, we’ve arrived.”

“Love you,” Party said, winking before he got over to Jet as he entered the building.

It was rather nice, not much trash in the ground, paint chipped in places but visibly, that was really it. It was humble, cute, and the boys were pretty impressed.

“I actually love this,” said Jet, laughing as he looked around. “It’s cute and quaint.”

“I’ve never heard an actual human being say the word ‘quaint’ before,” said Ghoul, running his hands over one of the red, shiny, slightly torn up booths.

“You shut up.”

“So you guys like it here?” Iris said smiling, her arms crossed.

“It’s great, thanks Iris,” said Kobra, moving his sunglasses to the lower bridge of his nose to get a better look at the building with a faint grin. “We haven’t really ever had a nice place before.”

“Woah, that’s more words than you spoke in the past two hours,” said Ghoul, going over to Kobra, slapping him on the back.

“Leave me alone,” Kobra muttered, pushing his glasses back up his nose.

“I don’t know why you wear those stupid things all the time,” Jet said, grabbing the glasses off his nose and folding them up. “You really have the nicest eyes. They’re beautiful.”

Kobra’s jaw dropped, a pink blush rushing over his cheeks and nose. He looked down and smiled, a real one and a prominent one that caused a wide smile and laugh from Party. “Ey, Jet you broke the poker face!”

“I hate all of you,” said Kobra quietly as Party ran over and rang an arm over his shoulders.

“You love me and you know it,” Party said, laughing, both his arms around his brother, hanging on him. 

Kobra snatched his sunglasses back from Jet’s hands and put them back on. “You all suck.”

Iris awkwardly looked at the boys through the side of her eye before saying, “Uh, the walk is pretty long and I don’t want the guys worrying about me so--if you don’t mind, I’ll be heading back.”

“Go ahead,” said Party. “You did what you said you’d do. Thanks Iris, I hope our paths cross again.”

Iris grinned. “I bet they will.” She waved again before she left to walk back to the rest of her crew. Party did genuinely like her, she was kind and rather sweet. Ghoul didn’t seem to like her very much but nobody could stop him from being his judgy self. It didn’t matter much to Party though, it wasn’t like Ghoul could control who he liked and plus, he only disliked her because of the kiss he shared with Party. It didn’t matter how nice she was, she kissed Party and Ghoul wasn’t okay with that.

“I won’t miss her much” came Ghoul’s voice, proving Party’s point.

“Damn, give the girl a break,” said Party. “She was drunk too. Plus, how was she supposed to know what we were? Or that you even existed? She’s not even interested in me.”

“I know,” said Ghoul. “I just don’t like it. She’s a reminder of that shitty time in our relationship and how much I was hurting. I guess I just associate bad memories with her.”

“You don’t seem to associate bad memories with Party,” said Jet, crossing his arms. “Look, I’m gonna be the first person to hop on your side, but it’s not like Party didn’t kiss her back.”

“Can we not talk about this?” said Party. “It was shitty for me too, don’t bring it back.”

Ignoring Party, Ghoul said, “I love him, Jet. It’s easier to put shit aside for the person I care about the most.”

Kobra piped in this time, seeing the obvious distress in Party’s eyes. “You know, I think we should listen to Pa--”

“Shut up, Kobra,” said Ghoul, seemingly heating up. “Don’t question why I love Party.”

“I’m just saying,” said Jet. “Both your boyfriend and Iris were involved. Party was directly involved in you finding out. How do you associate her with it and not him?”

“Because I don’t want to, okay?” said Ghoul. “I don’t want to think about it, the only time Party hurt me. The only bad thing in out relationship. I don’t want to worry about it.”

“Hey!” said Kobra a bit louder. “I think both Party and I would appreciate if you both shut up. He was so suicidal during that time for the first time in so long and I’m sure he doesn’t want to go back there. And in case you don’t realize it, that was a sucky time for all of us. Me and you too, Jet. I had to watch Party cry and be suicidal and I don’t wanna be thrown into that memory. Ghoul, I wanted to kill you, that’s how upsetting it was for me to see my brother like thata So kindly shut the fuck up if you care about Party and I.”

Jet and Ghoul were suddenly shocked. They looked at each other and to Kobra and Jet said, “I-I’m sorry, Kobra,”

“Damn, I didn’t know you had that in you, little bro,” said Party, lightly hitting him on the arm. 

Kobra let out a loud breath before saying, “I said what I had too.”

“Look, I’m sorry, I’m just pissed,” said Ghoul. “I need to blow off some steam.” He stood up and he brushed his fingers over Party’s shoulder, motioning for him to come with him. Party glanced at Kobra before following him to a booth in the back of the diner. Kobra looked back at them, Ghoul smiled at Party as Party straddled him, sitting on his lap. Ghoul pulled him into a passionate kiss and Kobra looked away to Jet.

“Sometimes he pisses me off,” said Kobra, silently. “He solves his problems by making out with Party and like Party’s not complaining but sometimes I wish he like… let the guy breathe sometimes.”

“Yeah,” said Jet. “I mean as long as Party’s happy, but the guy needs to calm down sometimes.”

The two of them never thought they’d be complaining about this. It being something that made both boys incredibly happy, Kobra and Jet thought they’d just be able to roll with it. But when things got like this, it got on both their nerves. It was rather routine though, Ghoul gets pissed over something stupid or reasonable, takes Party and the two of them just kiss away their problems. Kobra was honestly sick of it. Ghoul had just claimed his brother and it was genuinely annoying.

“What’re we gonna do about it though?” said Jet, sighing.

Kobra just nodded in response. They couldn’t do anything about it if it meant Party was happy. Sometimes Kobra still thought about how Party had told him he’d choose him over Ghoul in the long run. Now was one of those moments.

How honest had he really been?


	21. As Soon As I Get My Gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some SHIT goes down in this chapter

It had been a hot minute since the last time Party had properly relaxed. It seemed as if life had finally calmed down for the Fabulous Four, for a moment at least and he was glad. Of course, it was always when things seemed fine disaster seemed to strike but Party felt amazing. He had spent a lot of time with Ghoul, was genuinely happy, and  the others were too. At least to his knowledge. He hadn’t had a single terror and in the few weeks since the four had come to the diner, Party had done a little check in with Kobra once a week. He had come to look forward to these moments, when he and Kobra would share all their emotions and struggles in the past week and Party would always check to make sure Kobra wasn’t hurting himself, even if he said he hadn’t been. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust him, more that it wouldn’t be the first time Kobra tried to keep Party away from that sort of thing. Overall, life had been good.

“So, how’s your week been kiddo?” said Party, sitting down with Kobra once that time of week came around again. “Mine’s been pretty great. I’m still so…. in love.”

Kobra looked down where his hands were folded in his lap guiltily. “I’m gonna say something. And can you promise not to hate me?”

“You know I’d never really hate you,” said Party. “That’s what today is for, emotions.”

“I want you to--” he stopped himself quickly before glancing from Party back to his hands, his voice barely above a murmur. “Nevermind, it’s stupid.”

“Tell me.”

“You’ll hate me/”

“Kobra, c’mon.”

“You--” Kobra let out a grunt, knowing Party wouldn’t leave him alone until he said something. “Fine. I--” he took a breath before continuing really quickly. “I want you to spend less time with Ghoul, I feel like you put him before all of us even yourself and if I’m being honest, I’m sick of it and I miss the way everything was before you got together and how we were.”

“What?”

“Told you you’d hate me.”

“No, Kobra,” Party smiled and put a hand on his shoulder. “Of course I don’t hate you. Now, if you could explain for me that’d be great.”

Kobra took another deep breath before saying, “It’s just, we’ve drifted apart since you got with Ghoul, I feel like. You spend more time with him than with the rest of the group and when you guys are with Jet and I, you’re hanging on each other and making out the whole time. Like whatever it takes to see you happy, but I thought the Fabulous Four meant more to you.”

“Have I really been spending that much time away from you guys with him?”

“You have.”

“God, I’m so sorry,” said Party, planting a hand to his forehead. “I’m such a shitty person and an even worse brother, I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not a big deal,” said Kobra, suddenly quiet again. “It just… it was getting on my nerves. Jet’s too. Thought you should know.”

“Damn right I should know,” said Party. “I shouldn’t need you to tell me! I--I should be a better brother to you than this. Fuck, mom would be pissed.”

“Shut up, there’s no way in hell mom would be pissed at you right now,” said Kobra. “You practically raised me, got me out of the deepest places, went through so much shit, and honestly? You’re fucking incredible. Mom would be so proud.”

“I love you so much, Mikey,” said Party, seemingly not realizing the slip of Kobra’s former name, as he hugged his brother tightly.

Maybe he didn’t notice, but Kobra did when he muttered, “You too.” Then ever so silently added, “Gerard,” as they broke apart. 

Party wasn’t really sure what was with the frequent slips of Kobra’s old name. While the names brought them to horrible times, it also reminded them of when things were simpler. When their parents were alive and when everything was okay. Someday maybe they’d get somewhere close to that again.

Just as Party opened his mouth again, he heard Jet shout, “Exterminator!”

“The fuck?” said Ghoul loudly as he quickly went over to the counter in front of the diner’s kitchen, jumping over it and running into the kitchen as Jet followed to take cover. Party did the same, not realizing Kobra wasn’t with him until he was pressed flat against a wall with Ghoul, Jet across from them against the wall. That’s when Party realized, looking and seeing Kobra behind a booth..

“Get your ass over here,” said Party in an urgent whisper. “You’re gonna get killed.”

Kobra looked at Party, a panicked expression. He hesitated, but got up and when he got up he froze, hearing the bell ring from an open door. He turned around slowly and saw a man looking at him, a ray gun in his hand. The man walked up quickly and murmured, “Fucking Party Poison, you’re not fucking Party Poison.”

Party froze at the sound of his name. He glanced out and saw the man grab Kobra’s tank by the collar, pulling him towards him, forcing Kobra to bend slightly and the man looked him dead in the eye, saying, “Do you know where Party Poison is?”

“I-I’ve never heard that name-I’ve never heard tha-that name in my- in my life,” stammered Kobra. “I swear, I swear, I swear.”

The man scowled, pulling Kobra closer to his face and saying, “I have a feeling you’re lying. Korse said to kill Party Poison but he never said I couldn’t kill anyone else. The less breathing killjoys in this world the better.”

Party and Kobra gasped simultaneously and Party almost moved but Ghoul grabbed his hand and looked him in the eye, saying, “Please. He’ll kill you.”

“He’ll kill Kobra,” murmured Party.

“Give it some time.”

“Say your goodbyes,” said the exterminator, his voice with a hint of evil. Exterminator’s were barely human, they took lives as if they were worthless. It was terrifying.

“That’s it,” said Party. He looked back for any sort of weapon, eventually settling on a pan and walked into the exterminator’s sightline. “Get the fuck away from my little brother!” he shouted, holding out the pan.

The exterminator shot immediately, a shot making its way into the pan, creating a wide hole. But that didn’t stop Party as the man shouted, “I knew it!” and threw Kobra hard against the tiled wall. Party started hitting him violently with the pan. The man wasn’t able to get his gun as Party hit him, shouting. Once he wrestled the man down, he threw himself overtop him. He kept hitting, until he got the guy’s gun and held it up.

The world seemed to freeze at that moment, Party Poison was sitting on top of some guy who almost killed his brother, pointing a gun at him. Party wasn’t a killer but he was ready to change that to keep his crew safe. “Fuck you for thinking you can mess with us and get away with it,” he said finally once time started up again.

“Wait--” came the man’s voice but the echo faded into the sound of a shot, hitting him and leaving a wide hole where his heart should have been. If he had one that was. And everyone was in shock. Party had just killed someone.

“Is he--Is he dead?” asked Kobra quietly.

“There’s no way he survived that,” said Jet, leaving his hiding space and coming out to check out the scene. “Yeah, this was definitely a fatal shot. He couldn’t have lived. You’re good to come out, Ghoul, Party’s fine. So is Kobra. And the exterminator’s dead, it’s fine.”

Ghoul walked out, looking shocked. “Party, you just killed someone. I didn’t know that was possible.”

“I send anyone who messes with the people I love straight to hell.” said Party, tossing the gun on the ground. 

Kobra slowly got up, shaking violently and Party went over to him and put both hands on his shoulders before hugging him. “You okay, kid?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, his voice slightly shaken. “That was just--was just horrifying.”

“It’s fine now, Kobra. He’s dead”

“What are we gonna do with the body?” said Jet. 

“I’ll get rid of it later for him,” said Ghoul, cracking his knuckles.

Gagging slightly at the sound, Jet said, “I don’t even want to know what you mean. You’re so weird.”

“We can just get it outside,” said Party, picking the man up by his armpits, hunched over as he dragged the body towards the door. “Better Living’ll bodybag him eventually.”

“Just leave a dead body outside of here?” said Kobra. “Might show Better Living we’re in here.”

“True.”

“We gotta get rid of it somehow,” said Party. “I can just drag it a couple miles away. Get it out of our hair.” 

“It’s slightly risky, but I guess your cautious enough,” said Jet. “Kobra and I aren’t on the radar yet, it would be better for one of us.”

Party dropped the body at his feet and said, “Would you guys be up to it?”

Kobra nodded. “I can. Myself. Jet, I’ll be fine alone.”

“You sure.”

“I can handle it.”

“Be quick,” said Party, his voice suddenly tinged with anxiety.

“It’ll be fine,” said Kobra. “I’m a big boy, I can take care of myself.”

Kobra walked over and picked up the body by the armpits, the same way Party had before. He left, dragging it out. Party worried immediately of course, the chances of him getting hurt or killed by an exterminator, a desert dweller, or even a rogue killjoy were just too high for his liking.

“You think he’ll make it back okay?” said Party, his voice shaking a bit, rubbing his arms.

“I think you need to trust him a bit more, okay?” said Jet. “I’m sure he’d appreciate it. He’s 20-years-old, making him a grown ass adult.”

“I know, I know,” said Party. “I’m a protective older brother and I’m not ashamed of it.”

“He’ll be fine,” said Ghoul. “He’s really cautious. Plus, he probably wants to say good riddance to the fucker who got so close to killing him.”

“You’re probably right.”

“He doesn't seem like much of a revengeful type,” said Jet. “But he’s probably pretty mad at the guy.”

“I think we all are.”

But of course, despite being told not to worry numerous times, Party worried. He waited by the window for three hours before he started getting paranoid. Crazy ideas filled his head, telling him things that were hard to swallow. The possibility Kobra was dead, brutally murdered. It made Party just about sick. Ghoul came up next to him with a cigarette out of the side of his mouth as he sat next to Party.

“How’re you doing, babe?” he said, taking out his cigarette to blow smoke before putting it back in his mouth.

“I’m worried about Kobra,” said Party. “I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. It just…. It scares me, you know? Thinking about a world without him? That world would be so damn dark”

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” said Ghoul. “I swear to you, he’ll be back alive. You gotta stop worrying about him so much, he’s fine.”

“It’s hard to not worry about him though,” said Party. “Like yeah, I don’t want to always think he’s gonna die. Since I was a kid, I never really let him do his own thing. I was probably the most annoying helicopter sibling of all time.”

Ghoul leaned his head on Party’s shoulder, taking his cigarette in between his fingers. “Hey, you’re roots are growing out,” he said, wanting to change the subject and hopefully improve Party’s mood. His natural hair color was a medium brown and it was starting to show again, his red hair getting longer. Party twirled a bit of hair with his finger as Ghoul nuzzled his head in the crook of Party’s neck. 

“Yeah, I gotta buy a box dye or something soon--”

That’s when the door opened again and Kobra came in, pushing his sunglasses up his nose as he said, “Back.”

“Oh, thank god he was freaking out,” said Ghoul, lifting his head. “Great job not dying by the way, that woulda sucked.”

Kobra awkwardly grinned and Party ruffled his hair before going and clapping Kobra’s shoulder, “You know how I get. It’s fine now though, you’re alive.”

“You know it’s not the biggest deal, Party,” said Kobra. “Zone 6 isn’t the most populated place. No one confronted me.”

“Good, good,” said Party. “Hey Jet! Kobra’s back!”

Jet popped his head from the kitchen area and smiled, “Hey, welcome back. Party was going mad.”

“You heard it too?’ said Party.

“You weren’t being very quiet,” said Jet, getting up and walking towards the three. “Don’t worry about it, we’re used to it.” 

“Ah, I'm sorry guys,” said Party. “I’ll try to be a bit more……. bearable.”

Ghoul came around and wrapped his arms around Party’s shoulders from behind and smiled. “It’s fine you know we love you.”

Party touched his hand to Ghoul’s arm and he grinned. “Love you.” He looked from Kobra back to Ghoul and muttered to Ghoul, “Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Of course,” he said.

“I’ll be right back,” said Party, taking Ghoul to follow him and squeezing Kobra’s arm. Party took Ghoul over to a booth towards the back and saw Kobra whisper something to Jet. They started talking and Party looked over to Ghoul. “This is gonna suck.”

“What…?” said Ghoul, his brows furrowing. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No, no, no,” said Party, taking his hands. “I’m not breaking up with you, I love you, you know I do. It’s just… I was talking to Kobra and you know we’re so close.”

“Yeah?”

“We’re always together.” said Party. “Always. Like, you and I are happy and it’s great but Kobra said…. he feels like I’m spending too much time away from them. I guess I spend too much time away with you.”

“He really thinks that?” said Ghoul, not making eye contact with Party. He looked down and said, “That little fuck.”

“Don’t go there,” said Party, shaking his head. “Please don’t go there. He’s my brother, we’re close, don’t go there. His intentions are good, he just misses me I guess. When the two of us were always together.”

“Well, you’re older now,” said Ghoul, seeming rather angry. “Both of you. You have a boyfriend. You’re gonna spend time with your boyfriend. He needs to get that.”

“Ghoul, please don’t, I was worried you’d react this way,” said Party. “Give him a break. He’s so used to having me by him every second of everyday. You know I care about him.”

“You know what?” said Ghoul. He got up quickly and rushed over to Kobra before saying, “What the fuck is wrong with you? He’s my boyfriend, he’s gonna spend some time with you.”

“I-I--” was all Kobra managed to get out. Jet got up quickly to push him away.

“Ghoul, I don’t think you know what you’re doing,” said Jet, taking him over. “This is Kobra Kid, you know.”

“I know and Kobra Kid’s being a cunt!” shouted Ghoul, going forward. “Leave my boyfriend alone, I don’t care that you two are brothers.”

“Ghoul, stop it!” said Party, loudly. “Leave him alone!”

Ghoul took the collar of Kobra’s tank top and held him up, looking rather comedic since Ghoul was rather short. “I fucking love Party, okay? Okay, now stay out of it.”

Party and Jet were shouting over each other and Party grabbed Ghoul and said, “Leave him alone! I don’t know if you think I appreciate this? This is Kobra, leave him alone!”

Kobra backed away and looked to the side. Jet went and rubbed his shoulders as Party said, “Leave him alone, please. He misses me, that’s literally it!”

Ghoul stopped suddenly, rubbing his temples. He looked up and said, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Sorry, I just love you too much.”

Party let go of him and said, “Ghoul, you can’t be like this. I… I agree with him. You know, maybe we shouldn’t be together 24/7, I should spend more time with the other guys.”

“I--I understand,” said Ghoul, he looked to Kobra and said. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”

Kobra nodded in response and Jet said to him, “Hey, you okay?”

Kobra nodded again, wrapping his arms around himself. “I’m okay.”

And that was it.

Yet another tension between the two.


	22. Tonight, Will It Ever Come

Jet had seen a lot throughout the years he’d been in the crew with the boys. He’d seen some of the boys’ worst moments and some of their best moments. He even saw the obvious sexual tension when Party and Ghoul were crushing but he had never seen an interaction as horribly… horribly awkward as it had been for everyone since Ghoul had attacked Kobra. Party hadn’t really been able to easily go by him. They had been kind of brushing against each other but none of the regular kissing and cuddling. 

“Did I ruin their relationship?” said Kobra, nervously. He had been worrying about this for a while now, asking it frequently.

Then Jet would go and reassure him it was fine, nothing was his fault. “Ghoul was wrong. He was mad and he went crazy. Now Party’s pretty mad. But it’s fine. They’ll work it out. They have before and they will again.”

Kobra wrapped his arms around himself as he did when he got anxious and looked where Party was, mixing hair dye in one bowl and bleach in another, preparing to recolor his hair. He started brushing the bleach in his roots where his natural color had started growing out and Ghoul looked at him from behind. He had decided to be bold it seemed as he walked up and over to Party,

“You need help with that?” he said, reaching for the dye brush in Party’s hand. Party really had no easy way to deny that he was obviously struggling to do it himself.

“Yeah, thanks,” said Party, handing him the brush. Ghoul took it and painted his roots. Party kinda ignored it but Jet looked at Kobra and lightly punched his arm.

“See, it’s fine,” said Jet. “They’re fine, they’ll make up. It’s okay.”

Jet, a lot of the time had to reassure all the guys and it’s not like he minded. In fact, he was glad he got to be the person the guys depended on most of the time. He loved these guys and would do anything to help them, but it was hard. So often they were in pain and it hurt to watch. It hurt like hell to see the people in the world who meant the most to him to always be going through deep shit, whether they were open about it or not. And Jet just wished he could take all the problems all three of the boys had and put the burden on himself. Maybe they’d be happier.

But Kobra seemed to be reading his mind. “Jet, how are you doing? We never ask.”

Jet grinned as he said, “You know, I’ve been better.”

“You wanna talk about yourself for once?” said Kobra. “Thought you’d appreciate it.”

“Thanks,” said Jet. “You’re great. Honestly? Honestly, it’s been hard for me to sit through what you guys have been going through. Like, I love you guys it sucks how much you’re all hurting.”

“I don’t want you to be upset because of us,” said Kobra. 

“No, no, don’t worry about it,” said Jet. “It’s not that it’s your fault. I just think all you guys deserve so much better. You all deserve to be happy.”

“You do too,” said Kobra, a small grin. “You’re so important to all of us. You want me to talk to you, you gotta talk to me when you need too.”

“I will,” said Jet. “You’re the best.”

Kobra offered a small, subtle grin. He looked over, seemingly checking up on Ghoul and Party who now were now sitting a few feet apart, awkwardly. Party was sitting with the bleach in his hair, waiting for it to kick in. His hair was starting to get past his shoulders and was rather unruly and he seemed to notice because he kept self-consciously tossing his hair behind his shoulder. It was odd, he had never minded having long hair but he had been keeping his hair a quite specific length for a while now. With all the recent events, there really hadn’t been much time to keep his hair together. 

Now, a few hours and the sun was setting. Party’s hair had been dyed and now he was sitting outside the building. Since the attack they had been trading off who kept watch and tonight was Party’s night. He was leaning against the wall as he looked out. That was when Ghoul ran up to Jet and Kobra, glancing out at Party every couple seconds. 

“Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go out?” said Ghoul. “You know, so we could be alone?”

“I think it’d be a great idea,” said Jet, smiling. “You should talk to him. It might help make things less awkward between you guys.”

Ghoul smiled awkwardly before heading out. “Wish me luck.”

“See, it’ll all be fine,” Jet murmured as Ghoul walked through the door out next to Party.

“Hey, Party,” said Ghoul as he stepped outside where Party was sitting.

“Hi,” was Party’s quiet response. 

Ghoul sat down next to him and continued talking, “I’m still sorry about what I did. It’s just, I really don’t wanna lose you.”

“Except you wouldn’t be losing me,” said Party, looking at Ghoul. “Literally all I said was Kobra wants me to be around him and Jet more. And you freaked out and attacked him. There was no reason for that, it wasn’t like I was breaking up with you.”

“I know, I know,” said Ghoul. “I’m sorry, I keep saying it. I just… I love you a lot.”

“Look…” Party sighed as he opened his arms and said, “C’mere.” Ghoul went over and laid in his arms. “You know I… really care about you. You haven’t lost me, don’t worry.”

Ghoul curled up in Party’s arms. “I-I love you,” he murmured as Party wrapped his arms tightly around him.

Party lightly kissed his head and just muttered, “...yeah. Go to sleep, I’m the one doing lookout.” 

Of course he didn’t say ‘I love you’ back. He probably still felt weird about what happened, in  fact he had expressed he still felt weird about what happened. But still, it wasn’t fun for any of the guys right now. Ghoul missed Party, Party was torn between to worry about his brother or have things normal with the guy he loved, Kobra with a mess of emotions on everything, and poor Jet, having to watch all this happen. Slowly but surely, they were all falling apart.

Finally, Ghoul had started to fall asleep in Party’s arms. He felt some much-needed sleep finally starting to fall over him. And just as he was about to let it take him, he felt Party twitch suddenly and an all two familiar voice that sparked an interest in Ghoul’s mind, causing him to need to open his eyes.

“What did you do?”

It was Noir. Noir Angel. That bitch who had just about ruined Ghoul’s life. She threw two wanted posters at Party. They were two more extermination notices, not for Party and Ghoul this time. No, this time the notices were for Jet and Kobra and Party jumped, unintentionally throwing Ghoul off him.

“What did I do? What did you do!” shouted Party. “Why are their faces on those posters? No, first why are you here?”

Ghoul sat up, saying, “Yeah, why the fuck do you think you’re welcome here? And how did you find us?”

Noir rolled her eyes. “You’re not the hardest ‘joys to track in the world, But that’s besides the point, all of you are wanted now.”

“I see that and it worries the fuck out of me,” started Party, walking towards her, waving a finger as he finished, “But why are you here? What makes you think we want you? After what you did?”

“Well, what I did doesn’t seem to have much of an impact if you and Ghoul were just cuddling,” she said, crossing her arms. “And if you must know, I’m back to warn you. You don’t know how lucky you are to have someone like me on your back. Someone who looks out for you.”

“Oh, you don’t look out for  _ sbit _ ,” Party exclaimed with a loud scoff. “You knew about the attack that almost got me killed, no you caused it and told the men to attack my brother. You almost ruined the relationship in my life that keeps my heart beating! If that’s looking out for us then I guess that makes you a goddamn watchman!”

“Oh please, just give me a break for once if your ego can handle it. You think wanted posters travel this far into the desert? If not for me, someone woulda come snag your friends without you two even thinking of protecting them. Now what. Did. You. Possibly. Do?”

Party let out an annoyed grunt before saying, “Here, follow Ghoul and I.”

Party took Noir into the diner where Kobra immediately jumped, falling from the table he was sitting on and Jet jumped forward, holding out his fists in a fighting position. Noir only rolled her eyes yet again before saying, rather overdramatically,

“I come in peace! Hold your fire.”

Kobra got back up, looking at her suspiciously as Party and Ghoul stood with their arms crossed as if they were bodyguards. She just held up the posters, “You guys fucked up,” she started. “Jet, Kobra, you’re officially on the Better Living radar. Officially on a goddamn highway to hell. I’m pretty sure I heard Blade talking about giving away Jet, I dunno but Kobra, I just wanna know what you did.”

Kobra looked at each of the guys before saying quietly. “Party… Party killed a man who attacked me not long ago. I took his body out. I guess it’s possible someone could’ve seen me, recognized me, and reported me.”

Noir pressed her fingertips to her forehead. “That’s stupid. You allowed yourself to get put in such a completely vulnerable situation. You’re lucky you didn’t get attacked, you should’ve gone with someone.”

“Don’t lecture him,” said Party, his voice tense and bitter. “Maybe you think you can scare us with those posters but I hope you know I will do anything to protect these three. I’d lay down my life for them. They’re safe, I know what Korse and his goons really want is me.”

“You’re just so obsessed with this being about you, aren’t you?” said Noir, earning herself gasps from the four almost simultaneously.

“What?”

“I’m here bothering  _ you _ , Korse and Better Living is after  _ you _ , everything’s about you, you, you,”  she said. “Well, I’ll have you know Better Living doesn’t just want you, they want all of you.”

Party gave a look to each guy before looking back at her and saying, “Look Noir, I know it’s been awhile since you’ve last cared about something but I still do. I care about three amazing people and I know you don’t understand but that doesn’t mean I can’t do everything that’s possible for them.”

Noir’s eyes widened and watered at Party’s words. Obviously he hit something personal to her because she looked Party in the eye and said, “Fuck you. I’m an idiot for wanting to help you.”

She just left at that, storming out and they were all glad but now slightly intrigued. “What about that could've upset her so much?” said Ghoul, going back up next to Party.

“Maybe the whole ‘I know it’s been awhile since you last cared about someone,’ thing,” said Jet. “I mean we’ve all lost people. I’m betting she did too. And I’m betting it was recent by her reaction.”

“I just hope she’ll actually leave us alone now,” said Party. “She just doesn't get it. We don’t want her. Whatever role she’s trying to give herself in her mind is a work of her own messed up mental fiction. I don’t want to be any part of it.”

“I mean, you have to give her credit,” said Kobra. “I don’t want to be defending her but she’s right that we never would have seen the posters without her. She added maybe a year onto our lives.”

Party crossed his arms before saying, “I just… she shouldn’t have so abruptly thrown herself back in our lives after almost ruining Ghoul’s and mine. I will hate her forever for that.” Party protectively wrapped his arms around Ghoul from behind, squeezing him tight and causing a warm blush to rush onto Ghoul’s face. Looks like his relationship wasn’t as doomed as he thought. 

As he held Ghoul, Party continued with his rant, saying, “Plus Kobra, she told people to kill you!”

Kobra looked down and Jet nodded as Ghoul’s eyes widened. “She did,” confirmed Jet. “When Party and I were out and she pretty much ruined some lives. She admitted that she had told people after Party to go after you, Kobra cuz that was a surefire way to get Party.”

“What logic is that?” said Ghoul. “I mean, I guess it makes sense in their case but to be like, ‘Yeah, I hate this guy, let’s kill his brother.’ How much of a douchebag do you need to be?”

“Worse than a douchebag,” said Jet. “Stuff like that’s inexcusable, I don’t care what you’ve been through.”

“You know what sucks though?” said Party. “I know she’s gonna keep coming back. I know we haven’t seen the last of her. She just can’t let us live our lives for some reason. She’s obsessed with us.”

“It does seem like that,” said Kobra. “She managed to find us in a place it should be impossible to track people. I just wanna know how she got our location if I’m being honest.”

All the guys nodded, agreeing. It was known for killjoys that past Zone 3 was impossible to track. It was nicknamed the Deadlands by ‘joys, a place it was hard to last long. The desert alone was a very kill or be killed life but the Deadlands, past Zone 3 were another story. It was nothing short of horrifying of what happened back there since no one was really under any protection. Finding someone who had isolated themselves to the Deadlands was supposedly impossible. At least, that was what the guys thought before Noir came around.

Her mind seemed to work in some rather mysterious ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one wassssssss a trainwreck  
> catch me confused at 4 am trynna keep my plotline straight


	23. It's a Compliment, I Swear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh lately ive been so stressed. sorry if these next few updates are slow/poorly written

Party hadn’t cut his hair in months and it had gotten to the point where he even admitted the length was getting a bit out of hand. Too long for his liking. He had rummaged through drawers to look for a sharp object that would properly cut through hair. Nothing for a bit, until he finally came across a pair of faded purple safety scissors that were too small to even really fit in Party’s hand but he had to admit it was better than nothing. He took the scissors and (completely estimating the length) started chopping it off until it sat just above his shoulders, messy and disorderly.

You see, Jet and Kobra had gone somewhere, Jet wouldn’t tell where but they had gone to a place and were getting a thing. This left Party with the perfect opportunity to cut his hair. He took the pieces of red fluff that had fallen from his head and put them in a plastic bag he found in the same drawer the scissors were in. Now what was he to do with a plastic bag of bright red hair? Party had an idea of course.

He walked out from the kitchen area where Ghoul was sitting, seemingly bored out of his wits. “Hey Ghoul, I got a gift for you.”

“I swear to god Party Poison, if you’re about to throw another dead animal on my face…” said Ghoul, sitting up suddenly alert. Ah, memories, the last time Party had opened a conversation with ‘I have a gift for you.’

Party actually giggled before taking out the bag of his hair and dropping it in front of Ghoul. “My hair.”

Ghoul looked from the hair to Party and smiled. “Only you, you fucking nerd. What am I supposed to do with a bag of your hair?”

“I dunno, snort it like it’s cocaine or something/”

That got a loud laugh from Ghoul. “I’m not gonna snort your goddamn hair You’re literally the weirdest person I know.”

“Thanks, I try.”

Ghoul leaned forward a bit and brushed one of Party’s (now shorter) pieces of choppily cut hair out of his face. “Nice ‘do,” he teased, smoothing the messy hair with his hands.

“Oh, leave me alone,” said Party with a smile. “I choose to think it looks great on me.”

“Choose the right answer next time.”

Party let out a playful gasp before slapping Ghoul lightly and almost shouting, “I actually hate you so much!!”

“Love you too.”

Party grinned, hitting him again. The guys had all gone to sleep tense the night before due to their previous interaction with Noir. That was actually why Jet decided to take Kobra with him to get this thing Party and Ghoul weren’t allowed to know about. He was just slightly worried that someone would attack him and ultimately decided on Kobra. 

Soon enough, Party sat down in the booth, across from Ghoul and looked him in the eyes as he said, “I’m sorry about last night and my responses to everything…… how cold my reaction was when you said you… when you said you loved me.”

Ghoul blushed softly, looking down, “No, it's fine. I get it, you were pissed.”

Party nodded, going on, “It’s just that I was in such a difficult situation. If anybody else had come at Kobra like that I'd  _ kill _ them, blacklist, they'd be dead to me. If you were anybody else I… but that's the problem, you're not anybody else. You're you and I… I love you. I couldn't.”

Ghoul grinned softly, “I’m the one who should be sorry, let's be honest. I went way out of line, a complete overreaction. I hope Kobra’ll forgive me.”

“Nah, he's not mad. He's usually a pretty bitter person, but he's not mad at you. You just freaked him out.”

“Oh, that's good.”

That was about when Jet knocked on the door as he walked into the building. “We’re back, boys. Wanna see that thing I got?”

Party and Ghoul looked at each other briefly before getting up, “Hell yeah,” said Ghoul, rushing towards Jet quickly. What is it?”

“Come out and you’ll see,” said Jet, leading the two outside. He took them out and Party’s eyes widened at the beautiful white car. Okay, maybe not beautiful. It was filthy and had a giant spider spray painted over the hood but it was the first car any of the guys had seen in years and to them? Well, to them it was remarkably stunning.

“Damn, you got your hands on a car?” said Party, running up to it, running  his hands down the hood, admiring it. “She sure is a sexy thing, not gonna lie. Oh Jet, you spoil us.

Jet grinned, arms crossed before saying, “It’s my car, just so you all know.” 

At that, Kobra poked his head from the passenger seat and said, “This is actually really nice though. It’s been like eleven years since I’ve been in a car, I swear.”

“Yeah, it’s been a long time,” said Party. “Our parents didn’t really drive.”

“My brother taught me how right before he passed,” said Jet. “I was 14, I think three months before. I didn’t go near a car for five years after that but I remember the first time I got in one after the accident and I still knew how.”

“I never learned,” said Ghoul. “Was just too young when everything happened for me. No one’s about to teach nine-year-old to drive. Especially not a 16-year-old girl who couldn’t herself.”

“Well, good thing we only need one driver,” said Jet. “Which, good thing it’s me cuz it is my car”

“You’re gonna have to share,” said Party, in his best whiny toddler impression. “At least teach me how to drive, I’m 23 and I can’t drive.”

Jet walked over to lean against part of it saying, “Maybe.” He reached in the car and took out a ring of keys with the car keys attatched, “These are staying with me. I don’t trust any of you enough.”

The guys all shouted something at the same time, fake whines and they all laughed. Wow, just yesterday they were miserable and now they were laughing together in a car. It was somehow both amazing and crazy at the same time.

“Now, we gonna take this baby out for a testrun or what?” said Party, making his way towards the backseats and opening the door, climbing in and Ghoul in the other side. Jet smiled big as he went in the driver's seat and plugged the keys back in.

“Of course we are, you know me,” said Jet. He started the car and said with a wicked half-grin, “Zone 6 has no designated speed limit so……”

“Oh, Jet Star you bad boy!” Ghoul shouted, punching him softly in the arm. “Look at you, all rebellious and cool. Now let’s go!”

Jet started the car, going fast and all the windows were open. They were just on a crazy joyride, shouting,whooping, cheering, singing. Just spending as much time as they could being carefree because really, who knew how long they’d have to let themselves be like this. 

“We’re gonna live forever!” came Ghoul, almost throwing himself out the window. “Try and kill us motherfuckers! No luck!”

“Hey, don’t encourage them,” Kobra shouted behind at Ghoul, holding his sunglasses to keep them on. “I’m in the mood to stay alive right now.”

Ghoul giggled, laying his head on Party’s shoulder. “Times like this are what I live for.”

“You know what’d make this perfect?” said Party. “Just hanging out after, making a little campfire, get ourselves a few beers. Just like old times/”

“Just like old times,” muttered Jet in response. “I like it, I’ve never been an ‘out with the old and in with the new type.’ My mom was, I’m not.”

“It’d be nice, like when we were back at the warehouse,” said Party. “You remember, how we spent so many nights just laughing over a few beers after lighting a nice fire.”

“That’d be great,” said Ghoul. “Kinda makes me miss the way things were. Not that it’s hard to get back, but sometimes I think about it and I’m like ‘Huh, for homeless killjoys, we had it pretty good.’”

“Well, that’s definitely true,” said Jet. “We had it good, but it was dangerous for you and Party. Now with Kobra and I having posters, going back is like the death sentence.”

“Won’t deny that,” said Ghoul. “Which sucks, but you're right.”

“Aren’t I always?”

“Won’t deny that either/”

Laughs from everyone before Jet said, “It’s getting dark. Let’s buy us some beer and then go back down to the diner.”

“Yeah,” said Party. “I need a good drink.”

“A drink sounds nice,” said Kobra.

“A drink always sounds nice to me,” said Ghoul, licking his lips in anticipation.

“Don’t do that, it makes me not want to kiss you, it’s gross,” said Party, leaning away slightly from Ghoul.

“Oh, then keep it up,” said Jet. “None of that bullshit in my car.”

“Just for that,” said Party, leaning in and planting a kiss right on Ghoul’s spit-covered lips. “Hope you appreciated that, that was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done.”

Ghoul’s smile was crooked as he laughed at Party. “I’ll kiss you with slimy lips anyday.”

“You two are disgusting,” said Kobra, glancing back. 

“Jet, we gotta pick up the alcohol!” announced Party. “We need it! Before we get back!”

“Don’t you worry,” said Jet, smiling. “You’ll be getting your alcohol soon enough.”

He stopped the car outside some sort of supermarket with a few of the lights still on. He grabbed Kobra to get the stuff with him and Ghoul said, “I’m so ready to get drunk. Just a warning, I’m a really embarrassing and horny drunk.”

“Oh, believe me, I remember,” said Party. “You get crazy. I’m all here for it.”

Laughing, Ghoul said, “And I’m here for whatever the hell you’re gonna do.”

“It’ll be just like old times,” said Party. “Remember back in Bat City, we found that huge supply of wine in the warehouse and for like two weeks straight we were constantly drunk.”

“You see, I don’t remember that,” said Ghoul with a laugh. “I was pretty much blackout drunk the entire time.”

“Jet tried to regulate us but then he just got drunk,” said Party. “I remember, he started like a worried mom and ended just sobbing on the ground. He’s such an emotional drunk.”

Ghoul laughed and Party leaned his head on his shoulder as they waited, Jet coming back with Kobra behind him, quite a few cases of beer. “You’re not drinking all of this tonight,” said Jet as he put the cases in the back. 

“Ah, you’re no fun,” said Party, lifting his head. 

“Might be for the best,” said Kobra as Jet drove back. Once the guys were back at the diner, Party grabbed the first beer and announced,

“To finally being able to enjoy a day without worrying about one of us dying or one of us miserable! Love you guys.”

“Awwww, you’re so cheesy,” said Jet. “But he’s right, raise a glass!”

“Hell yeah!” said Ghoul.

Kobra nodded and the guys all took a drink. Tonight, for the first time in so long they’d let go and it would be glorious.

* * *

If Kobra was being honest, he didn’t drink much. He hated the way it made him feel, disoriented and he was a rather quiet drunk so it wasn’t like he was crazy or anything either. He just sat there sipping on his beer as he listened to Ghoul’s slurred rant as he sat next to him.

“Cuz neck kisses are fuckin’ great, amirite,” he said, his beer splashing as he adjusted his weight. “But you know when you’re on top of him and you got him in that area… that specific spot that just makes him squeal and it’s fuckin’ incredible.”

Scooching away, looking and feeling slightly disturbed (it  _ was  _ his brother Ghoul was referencing) Kobra said, “No! I don’t know. I don’t know what you’re trying to imply.”

“Just that you got a sexy brother with a great fuckin’ ass,” said Ghoul. “Like hot damn!”

Kobra scooched a little more and called, “Hey Party, you’re boyfriend is horny!”

“You geek,” said Ghoul, laughing as Party walked over and Kobra quickly rushed away. Ghoul wrapped his arms around Party and continued, “Oh, you’re so hot.”

“And you’re so drunk,” said Party, drinking from his beer. He hadn’t gotten that drunk yet, he’d tried hard to regulate himself since the incident.

“It’s crazy crazy, cuz right now I’m seeing you and I don’t feel like I wanna snap your neck,” said Ghoul, hugging him, throwing Party off slightly.

“Wait, what?”

“Well, you know everything that happened? Well,”--a drunken hiccup-- “I though I’d never never never recover from that, never, never, never. Cuz it fuckin’ sucked, ya know? Well, everyday after that I was pretty pissed. Like really pissed. And I cried myself to sleep almost every night. Still do sometimes. Cuz it was fuckin’ rough, man. I have nightmares ‘bout it even, just last night I had one. Didn’t wanna wake ya though.”

“Wait seriously?” said Party, his eyes widening. He though it had gotten better, was this how Ghoul felt or was he just drunk? But then again people were more honest when drunk.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, but now I’m fine,” said Ghoul. “No biggie at all, man.”

“I--that’s good,” said Party, smiling weakly. He thought he’d talk to him about it when he was sober, but for now he just downed his beer. Might as well get drunk, try and be carefree while he still could, right?


	24. We're Damned After All

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhh ya bitch broke her laptop so it's weird to post on the ao3 mobile site :\ we'll see how this goes

The pounding headache was what woke up Party. He sat up, rubbing his temples, noticed he was smushed in a booth. How drunk had he gotten? His hair was a mess and his head hurt and he couldn't think straight and he honestly wanted to die. He could barely remember the night before, before getting drunk. Oh, there it was. Everything rushed back. Especially what Ghoul had said. He looked around, Kobra was asleep sitting up and Ghoul was holding tightly onto Jet who leaned against a wall. He was the first one up, which rarely happened. It was almost always Jet.

Party got up, miserable and wrapped his jacket around him like a blanket. His head throbbed as he walked over to a sink and lowered his head down so he could get a drink. Water had never tasted so good. He ran his fingers through his hair and walked back, his knees buckling as he sat up against a wall. He rubbed his temples and groaned silently. Hangovers were the worst.

"Party, you're awake already?" came Jet's voice.

Party opened his eyes momentarily and looked up, seeing Jet who was lightly pushing Ghoul off him and standing up. Jet walked over, saying, "You look like shit, dude. You got pretty drunk last night."

"I tried to regulate myself for a bit," said Party but when Jet gave him a questioning look he replied, "I swear, I did! But then I talked to Ghoul and needed to forget it for a bit so I downed a few beers."

"You and Ghoul went through three cases on your own," said Jet, smiling. "And you wonder why Kobra and I don't trust you to do things by yourself."

"Okay, we're slightly irresponsible drinkers."

"Slightly?"

"Fine, really!"

"There you go!"

Trust Jet Star to lighten the mood when Party was miserable. The issue was that he didn't have any painkillers with him so for the time being, Party would just have to sit through his agonizing hangover. Ghoul was the next awake, groaning loudly and throwing his head back against the wall.

"I wanna fucking die!" he shouted, hands to his face. "You really have nothing? No Advil no Tylenol, nothing? Seriously?"

"Sorry Ghoul, not now," said Jet. "This is why you shouldn't drink so much."

"Oh fuck you."

Party looked over and saw Kobra was still asleep. He was wrapped in an old, dirty comforter that Party remembered well. He bought it when Kobra was 15, he was 18 because they had just officially left their house for good. No more coming back, they had left. And it was during a desert cold spell so every day and every night Party looked at Kobra and saw his frail, thin body freezing and cold and shivering. It got to the point Party couldn't stand it, so he took what little money they had with them and he got Kobra a blanket. It felt odd he had such a specific memory to a piece of fabric but how could he help it. He really cared about that kid.

Hey Party, c'mere," said Ghoul, waving Party over. He took him in his arms, Party laying his head on Ghoul's chest and Ghoul laying his head on him, wrapped around him. "This helps."

"Really?" said Party, leaning in and enjoying the embrace. Was he really living a lie for Party's sake? Or was everything really better but last night he was just really drunk.

"Yeah, of course," said Ghoul. ""It feels like all hell was set loose in my head and cuddling with my baby helps. Is that odd?"

"No, it's just..." Party looked around and saw sleeping Kobra and Jet had gone outside to clean his car. "You said something last night. And... and it alarmed me, I guess."

With furrowed brows Ghoul said, "What did I say?"

"Pretty much you were traumatized by what... what I had done. You had nightmares about it. You cried yourself to sleep. When you see me, you wanna snap my neck."

"I mean... the nightmares are real."

"Really? I was scared of that."

Nodding, Ghoul rubbed Party's arm. "I have nightmares about it. A lot, actually. You leaving me, you sleeping with her, it really scares me."

"I don't want you to feel like that," said Party. "I want you to be happy when you think of me."

"I do too and I'm getting there," said Ghoul. "It's not that I don't love you. It's that I guess part of me is convinced you don't love me and I know you do, I know you do. I just... I keep thinking of you and her. And it's painful, I don't want to think of you and her, I want to think of you and me. I love you so much."

"I love you too," said Party. "Please, next time you have a nightmare, wake me. I want you to know I'm here for you 100% of the time. No matter what."

Ghoul smiled softly. "I'm glad."

Party went in for a soft kiss as Ghoul's hands lightly touched Party's face. Party smiled at the touch, pushing hair behind Ghoul's ear. Their foreheads touched and Ghoul grinned softly. "I really can't imagine a world without you," said Party softly. Then he heard the sound of feet hitting the ground and looked up, Kobra had woken up.

Party rubbed his thumb across Ghoul's wrist before he got up and walked over, rubbing his temples again. "Kobra? Ugh, you hungover?"

"Not really," he said in response. "I mean I have a faint headache. You know I don't drink that much."

"Well I do and now I wanna die," said Party. "You're a smart one."

Kobra smiled and said, "You like touch alcohol and you're drunk."

Ghoul stood up next to Party, his head at his shoulder, leaning back in Party's arms, his head against his upper collarbone. "I think I'm a bit worse," said Ghoul. "He wasn't even that drunk until I got him all stressed."

"What did you say that stressed him out enough to get him drunk?" said Kobra.

Party squeezed Ghoul before saying, "He--It was pretty much that he still wasn't okay about everything I did. With the girl. He had nightmares and stuff."

"I'm trying to get over it though, I promise," added Ghoul, quickly. "I swear, there's nothing I want more to feel the same way about Party as I used too and I want nothing more than for us to be happy together. It's just... it's kinda hard."

"No, I understand," said Kobra. "You're in love and you were hurt. As much as I stand up for Party, what he did was wrong and you have... you have every right to be hurt."

"Party?" came a familiar female voice, running in the diner. Noir. Ugh, that bitch was back again for whatever reason.

Party looked up, still holding Ghoul tight, "What do you want?"

"Party, you guys need to go away, you need to go now," she said, panicking, obviously.

"That's not an explanation."

Kobra turned around and Jet stepped towards Noir, saying, "Haven't you gotten the message? You're not welcome here."

"Look, I know I fucked up way too many times and you guys have no reason to trust me but hear me out," she said. "It's dangerous for you guys. You can't be here. Please!"

"Yeah, you fucked up!" said Ghoul, clutching Party's arms. "So leave us alone!"

"No, you guys are going to be killed!" said Noir. "Someone's after you. Someone's always after you. It's horrifying how you guys just don't care."

"We care," said Kobra, his voice barely above a whisper. You see, Kobra was quiet but when he spoke it provoked immediate silence. "We care a lot. We're just done letting you involve yourself. You continue to ruin our lives more and more and we're sick of it."

"You guys realize I'm honestly trying to help you?" said Noir. "Even after you guys have said some pretty awful shit, I keep trying to help you! I don't know why, but I do!"

"Well, we don't appreciate it," said Jet. "And I am... I am not one to talk like that. But we don't like you. We don't like you and you just don't get it."

"No, I get it!" said Noir. "I do get it, completely. I just have enough respect for you guys and I care about you guys even if you guys don't care about me. And I hope you understand what I risk by trying to help you guys."

"Ok! Ok, cool  you wanna help us and we don't care," said Party. "What else is knew? Go away!"

Noir crossed her arms and gave a bitter expression on her face. "I don't even understand why I waste my time with you guys anymore."

"Neither do I," said Party.

She rolled her eyes and turned around, looking back one last time before she left. Everytime they thought maybe it was the last time they'd see Noir, she came back. Came back sprouting her bullshit.

"She just... she can't give us break, can she?" said Jet.

"Seriously!" added Ghoul. "Like, let us live our lives. The most valuable tip she gave us was the posters, but after that, she's done nothing but cause suffering for us. Almost destroyed Party and I's relationship, almost got Kobra killed."

"She just... I think she has good intentions," said Kobra. "But she doesn't realize she's hurting us."

"At this point, how can she not realize it though?" argued Party. "We've made it clear to her. She's just obsessed with us."

Ghoul sat up and wrapped an arm around Party's shoulders, pulling him close to him. "I mean, as long as we're all together and alive and safe I really don't think it matters what she says."

    "Yeah," said Party. "You know, even if Noir doesn't leave us alone I think we'll be fine. We've done a really good job taking care of each other. It works out."

"I really hope so," said Jet. "I really don't know what I'd do if you guys died or if anything happened to you guys."

The guys all agreed and Ghoul held Party, lightly rubbing his cheek. Party agreed with Jet. If he lost any of the three he didn't know what he'd do. He'd go crazy, drive himself mad. He needed all these guys despite what any of them might've thought. And maybe Noir was helping them, maybe she wasn't. And no matter what she was doing, Party was happy they were all alive. He didn't know how long that would last but for now?

For now they were alive.


	25. a/n

i've had a lot going on in my life lately so i'm taking a short break from publishing to get my life together. not sure when i'll be back but i'm not abandoning this story!!

love you guys :)

~ ash

(until then, find me as @donnies.troubled.thoughts on instagram)


	26. IMPORTANT!!!!!

hey guys, it's been a bit. I was looking at this recently and it's not bad, it has potential... but i'm really not proud of it anymore. i'm thinking about doing a complete rewrite when i find the inspiration. i'm not sure, but i do genuinely like the concept. i think i might but i'm not sure. i hope if i do, you will all stick around

~ ash


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